Always use tasteful words. You may have to eat them.

Be consistent--but don't do it all the time.

Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.

Don't vote, it only encourages them.

Drive defensively--buy a tank.

Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail friends.

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear in a fire drill.

Hard work will pay off later. Laziness will pay off now.

If you don't change your direction, you may end up where you were headed.

If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem!

Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

Never lick a gift horse in the mouth.

Screw up your life, you've screwed everything else up.

Wasting time is an important part of life.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

When in doubt, don't bother.

Work 8 hours, sleep 8 hours; but not the same 8 hours.


I'm not 40, I'm eighteen with 22 years experience.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.


To a dog, you're one of the family. To a cat, you're one of the help.

To cats, people are just furniture that does tricks.

Want a mental challenge? Try herding cats!


Bad Command or File Name. Good try, though.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

BATCH - A group, kinda like a herd.

Be careful; the last person using this keyboard had a terminal disease.

Computer hackers do it all night long.

Computer modelers simulate it first.

Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.

Computer programmers know how to use their hardware.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.

Documentation is like sex: When it's good, it's fantastic, when it's not...

Don't anthropomorphize computers--they hate it.

Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

Help support helpless victims of computer error.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

I just wish my mouth had a backspace key.

In God we trust; all others, we virus scan.

Intel has just announced its next chip: the Repentium.

It works better if you plug it in.

Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.

Press any key. NO! NO! Not that one!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

RAM disk is not an installation procedure.

SQWERTY - Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.

The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

Those who can't write, write help files.

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human, to really foul things up requires a computer.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my disk?

Windows: Just another pane in the glass.


Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.


[see also: EXERCISE] It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.


24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder.

Beer is the reason I get up every afternoon.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

Beer--it's not just for breakfast anymore.

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Draft beer, not people!

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.

Friends don't let friends drink light beer.

If I saved all the money I've spent on beer, I'd spend it on beer.

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

New! Improved! Instant asshole... just add alcohol!


A tree never hits an automobile except in self defense.

Automobile - A mechanical device that runs up hills and down people.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.


Eat right, exercise regularly, die anyway.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

I don't exercise at all. If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently, you have to show up.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.


A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

Please don't feed the dust bunnies.


Men are like fine wine--they all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd like to have dinner with. Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.

The only thing that can make a woman feel lonelier than a vibrator can make her feel is a man.


A penny saved is ridiculous.

Change is good, but dollars are better.


Anarchy is better than no government at all.

Don't vote--it only encourages them.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

Politicians are like diapers. They both need changing regularly and for the same reason.


And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our very selfhood revealed." And Jesus replied, "What?"

God didn't create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter on the 6th.

Jesus saves! The rest of us better make backups.

Jesus was a typical man--they always say they'll come back but you never see them again.

You found God? If nobody claims him in thirty days, he's yours!

Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.


A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

A king's castle is his home.

All that glitters has a high refractive index.

Beauty is in the eye of the beerholder.

Cogito, ergo Hormel--I think, therefore I Spam.

Familiarity breeds children.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

He who hesitates is sometimes saved.

I think, therefore I am overqualified.

I think, therefore I am... dangerous.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.


Draft beer, not people.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it's Hand Grenades we throw!

Join the Army! Travel to exotic, distant lands. Meet exciting, unusual people, and kill them.

War is menstruation envy.

When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all.

Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we've used the ones we have?

"Bother!" said Pooh, as he died in a pool of blood.

A closed mouth gathers no feet.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens the person is carrying.

Brain--the apparatus with which we think that we think.

Cigarettes are killers that travel in packs.

CLEARASOL - Effective sunspot remover.

Courage is your greatest present need.

Entropy isn't what it used to be.

Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them use to reality.

Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

Good friends stab you in the front.

History does not repeat itself, -- historians merely repeat each other.

I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.

If Man were meant to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 disciples.

If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

I'm not FOR apathy, and I'm not AGAINST it.

I'm so poor, I can't even pay attention!

It's a dirty job, but someone's gotta pawn it off on someone else.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

KODACLONE - duplicating film.

Laundry is the only thing that should be separated by color.

Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.

Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

MOP AND GLOW - Floor wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team.

Nobody knows the age of the human race, but everybody agrees that it is old enough to know better.

Of the choice of two evils, I pick the one I've never tried before. (Re-wording of a Mae West statement, I believe. Is A. Nonymous a plagiarist?)

Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement.

Practice Safe Food -- Use Condiments.

QUARKBAR - the candy with flavour and charm.

QUASIMOTO - 4 wheeled hard-top moped made in France.

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. (Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.)--fortune

Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

Reality's the only obstacle to happiness.

Some grow with responsibility, others just swell.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

The road to success is always under construction.

Today is the last day of your life so far.

TRAPEZOID - A device for catching zoids.

Xerox does it again and again and again and...

A backward poet writes inverse.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Every calendar's days are numbered.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)
When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

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