96.37% of all statistics are made up.--Kevin D. Quitt
Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin.--John Von Neumann (1903-1957), German-born mathematics genius
Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.--U.S. Labor Secretary Robert Reich [4' 10" tall], born 1946. (US basketball star Shaquille O’Neal is 7’1” tall.)
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.--John Kenneth Galbraith (1908--), U.S. economist
Figure won't lie, but liars will figure.--Gen. Charles H. Grosvenor (1833-1917), Ohio Representative, nicknamed "Old Figgers"
I can prove anything by statistics--except the truth.--George Canning (1770--1827), British politician
I do not regard a broker as a member of the human race.--Honore de Balzac (1799-1850), French novelist
I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.--Paula Poundstone (1959--), U.S. comedienne
I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was able to reason.--Plato (428-347 B.C.), The Republic, ca. 370 B.C.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
It is now proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.--Fletcher Knebel (Charles Waldo Bailey, really), (1903--), U.S. historian/novelist
Life is too short to balance a checkbook.--Howard Ogden
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.--Samuel McChord Crothers, (1879--1927), U.S. minister, in The Gentle Reader
There are only two kinds of people who predict the [stock] market on a day-to-day basis. Those who don't know and those who don't know they don't know.--Robert Reich [1946-- ], U.S. Labor Secretary
There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.--attributed to Benjamin Disraeli (1804--1881), British politician
There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.--Rex Stout, (1896--1975), U.S. mystery writer
FATHERS
Father and son are natural enemies and each is happier and more secure in keeping it that way.--John Steinbeck (1902--1968), U.S. novelist
It is much easier to become a father than to be one.--Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.--Robert Orben (1927-- ), U.S. humorist, writer for Red Skelton and Jack Paar
No man is responsible for his father; that is entirely his mother's affair.--Margaret Turnbull, Alabaster Lamps
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.--Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi," Atlantic Monthly, 1874
FASHION
A man's tie should never be louder than his wife.--John Hughes
If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.--Sue Grafton (1940--), U.S. mystery writer
It's bad manners to apply cosmetics in public. It reminds people that you need them.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
Never wear anything that panics the cat.--P.J. O'Rourke, (1947--), U.S. humorist
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
FLYING
If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.--George Winters
If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.--Mel Brooks (1926--), U.S. comedian
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Douglas Adams (1952--2002), British SF writer
FOOD--AND ABSTAINING FROM IT
A cucumber should be well sliced and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), Oct. 5, 1773
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.--Hermione Gingold, (1897--1987), British actress
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.--Tom Wilson, U.S. cartoonist, "Ziggy"
All the vitamins needed seem to be found in plebian dishes.--William Feather(1889-1981), U.S. author/publisher
Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834), English poet
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Cheese. The adult form of milk.--Richard Condon (1915--1996), U.S. novelist, A Talent For Loving, 1961
Cheese--milk's leap toward immortality.--Clifton Fadiman, Any Number Can Play, 1957
Coffee isn't my cup of tea.--attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (1884-1974), Hollywood movie producer
Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon, or not all.--Harriet Van Horne (1920--), U.S. columnist
Eat as much as you like--just don't swallow it.--Steve Burns
Food is an important part of a balanced diet.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Metropolitan Life, 1978.
Happiness for me is largely a matter of digestion.--Lin Yutang (1895--1976), Chinese-American writer
I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.--Katherine Cebrian
I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.--Clarence Darrow (1857--1938), U.S. attorney
I don't like to eat snails. I prefer fast food.--Strange de Jim
I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.--Bob Saget, U.S. comedian
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.--Tommy John (1943--), U.S. baseball player
I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.--Jennifer Greene Duncan
I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.--Shelley Winters (1920--), U.S. actress
I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.--Totie Fields (--1978), U.S. comedienne
Licorice is the liver of candy.--Michael O'Donoghue (1942--1994), U.S. comedy writer
Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.--Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist, Superwoman, 1975.
Lips, however rosy, must be fed.--Scottish proverb
My favorite animal is steak.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.--Orson Welles, (1915 - 1985), U.S. actor
Never eat more than you can lift.--Miss Piggy's Guide to Life as told to Henry Beard
Obesity is really widespread.--Joseph O. Kern II
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.-- Alex Levine
Our trouble is that we drink too much. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.--J. B. Priestley (1894--1984), British author, Observer, London, 15 May 1949.
Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English writer
Research tells us that 14 out of any 10 individuals like chocolate.--Sandra Boynton, Chocolate: The Consuming Passion
Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn.--Garrison Keillor, (1942--), U.S. writer
Soup and fish explain half the emotions of life.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), English clergyman/writer
Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.--Wallace Irwin (1876--1959), U.S. editor/author
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.--Jackie Gleason (1916--1987), U.S. comedian
There is no sincerer love than the love of food.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish playwright
To eat is human; to digest, divine.--Mark Twain (1835-1910) (but also attributed to Charles Townsend Copeland)
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.--Jim Davis, "Garfield" comic strip
What's sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey, or the guinea hen.--The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book, 1954
Where do you go to get anorexia?--Shelley Winters, (1920--), U.S. actress
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.--Lynda Montgomery
You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.--C.S. Lewis, (1898--1963), English author
FRANCE
France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands, but you can't tear the toilet paper.--Billy Wilder, (1906--2002), Hollywood director
How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheeses?--Charles De Gaulle, 1890-1970), president of France
If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.--Wilfred Sheed (1920--), U.S. writer
The trouble with the French is that they sit around twenty-four hours a day talking French.--Monty Wooley, (1888--1963), actor
FRIENDS--AND ENEMIES
A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.--Lord Samuel, English liberal politician (1870 - 1963)
A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.--Fr. Jerome Cummings
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.--Walter Winchell (1897--1972), U.S. gossip columnist
A true friend stabs you in the front.--Oscar Wilde (1854--1900), Irish writer
Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.--Chinese proverb
Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.--Kehlog Albran
Friends are God's apology for relatives.--Hugh Kingsmill (1889--1949), British biographer/poet
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.--Thomas F. Jones (1916-1981), president of the University of South Carolina, in Wall Street Journal, 1975.
God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.--Addison Mizner (1872-1933), The Cynic's Calendar, p. 1.
God save me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies.--English proverb, ca. 1477
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.--Alexander Pope (1688-1744), English poet
I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.--Plutarch (46--120), Greek priest & writer
I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel.--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865--1946), U.S. essayist/critic
If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.--Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French mathmatician/scientist
Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.--R. A. Dickson
My best friend would be the man who blew my brains out with a pistol.--Edgar Allan Poe (1804--1849), U.S. author
My friends! There are no friends.--Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), Greek philosopher
Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.--Robert C. Edwards
One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet
Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.--Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
These can never be true friends: hope, dice, a prostitute, a robber, a cheat, a goldsmith, a monkey, a doctor, and a distiller.--Hindu proverb
We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been hanged first.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.--Gore Vidal (1925--) in New York Times (Feb. 4, 1973)
Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.--Elbert Hubbard U.S. editor/publisher
FUTURE
I have seen the future and it doesn't work.--Robert Fulford, Canadian journalist
I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach.--Bill Muse, U.S. humorist
It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.--Yogi Berra (1925--), U.S. baseball player
The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.--Dean Acheson (1893-1971), U.S. politician
The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.--Paul Valery (1871--1945), French poet/essayist
This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.--Arthur J. Clarke, U.S. scientist and S.F. author
