Ms. Nitpicker is reminded of the columnist who announced a prize for the first person to identify the five grammatical errors he purposely inserted in that column, only to be humiliated when a flood of letters pointed out TWENTY-TWO grammatical errors in that particular column. Nevertheless, she shall endeavor to identify and correct all the errors.
The principal of the school is our pal; it's the principle of the thing, Sandburg. Don't forget to put a comma after "Jim," too.
(But obviously not with grammar or punctuation....Put a comma after Karen, and replace "your" with "you're," or "you are.")
Crying on the villain's shoulder won't work; whaling on it with both fists might. Also, we have comma problems that might be solved by putting semi-colons after "fight" and "rage" and a comma after "pain." Give yourself the point if you at least recognized that there were comma problems.
I don't know who Exasperated is, but if she's a person, she needs a capital letter. Furthermore, "he" should not be capitalized. Ms. Nitpicker would have written, "What in hell do you think you two are doing?" he asked, exasperated.
The raft is male and turned on its search lights all by itself, eh? Also, this is the passive voice, which is frowned on. A better way to describe this would have been, "When he turned on his search lights, he spotted the raft, with the prone figure of his friend lying inside it."
It was an immoral hold, eh? One banned by the WWF? Or was it vise-like?
Is Blair your opponent? Or do you mean, "You have to fight, Blair," encouraging your friend to hold on?
(Someone threw him in the well--a lot? Or, well, he's been through a lot so far in that story? Furthermore, there should be a comma after the "Well".)
That may not be so bad, but mistaking effects for affects is.
Either every doctor in this hospital has his or her own separate lounge, or the apostrophe should have been AFTER the "s," as in doctors'.
Oh? What is her confused? Is it part of her body, or a bit of clothing? Put a comma after "her," however, and the confusion describes how Connor looks at a female in his presence.
Only sadists pass the pain around (which means this bad writer is probably a sadist, for she has pained Ms. Nitpicker). Our Heroes try to get past, or beyond, the pain.
If he happened to be sitting still as he still sat, there was no movement; that's true, if repetitious. Or perhaps he was remaining in the truck, to the narrator's surprise. But it's there, not their, which means "belonging to them."
Puking, Ms. Nitpicker begged for less repetition and more variety. If it isn't illegal to start every sentence with an adverb, it certainly should be!
It's a tradename, which calls for capitalization, as you no doubt remember. Furthermore, we need a dash or semi-colon or even a period, not a comma, followed by a comma after "inside.".
(Apparently a complaint about Blair's bad oral hygiene...but I suspect the author--and Jim--wanted Blair to "breathe.")
Are those eyes sharp, or burning? Because knives don't burn, generally. Don't mix your metaphors (and stay away from clichés, too)..
Its, not it's. And the doctor doesn't know her from Eve, so he doesn't feel any relief at all. Her friends are noticing, with great relief, that the doctor says....
First of all, I presume you are a Tory by political inclination...that, or you either don't understand old American slang, which would be "wig me out," or you are using British slang.
You're making Ms. Nitpicker mewl with pain, dear. Four-legged equines called mules have nothing to do with this sentence.
Take out the "and Sandburg" and ask yourself if "Anders had asked for he specifically" makes sense. Of course it doesn't. Now use "him" instead.
Not a voice, just the sound of a voice, eh? Of course, "the" should not be capitalized, either, since "The sound of a muffled voice said in an accent that he couldn't quite place" isn't a sentence.
Let's not personalize cars; they are inanimate. Although Ms. Nitpicker once drove a Citation named Millennium Sparrow, she doubts that the car in this fan fiction was named Landers, or that it was surprised. It belonged to Landers, which means there should be an apostrophe after the "s." Also, we need a comma after "around," and the phrase "try and avoid" is inappropriate. He might "try to avoid" but he's not both trying to hit him AND avoiding hitting him.
(It was now or never if he and Blair were to live. This is a nitpicky point--it's always "were" after "if"--but this is Ms. Nitpicker's test, isn't it? In any event, "he and Blair" would be plural, and "were" is the plural form.)
(It was tense, as in explosive, not a chemical needing to be thinned out, so the word is "defused," remember?)
We make it a naked cross, as opposed to a clothed one? Did the Romans use tuxedos on them for fancy occasions? It is, of course, "The Cross We Bear."
(Showing off, was it? Usually it's content to merely have shone, the past tense of shine.)
(Why is Jenna thankful to be in the middle of a gunfight? Is she quiet so she can absorb the nuances of sound? Probably Blair was thankful that Jenna remained quiet throughout, even though he felt like.... Also, the transition is awkward, making us initially think Jenna is the one thinking that thought about the car.)
(They'd left he to talk, had they? Isn't it supposed to be "him"?)
(If you got this wrong, go back and look up abbreviations in Ms. Nitpicker's Guide, ASAP!)
(Let me guess--this is a long-shot, mind--but could he possibly be unhappy? This is redundant and silly.)
(If you are making it "shining" instead of "shown," you can keep the comma. Otherwise, this should be two sentences, and it's "shone," not "shown.")
(I wasn't aware that people had shutters they could pull closed when they saw scary things. Myself, I would have shuddered.)
(Close to fifteen minutes DID NOT check his watch. It must be, "Checking his watch, he saw that close to...." or "When he checked his watch, close to fifteen..." We have the same problem with "since leaving the truck." Fifteen minutes didn't leave the truck. The sentence would be more graceful if worded, "Checking his watch, he saw that close to fifteen minutes had passed since he left the truck.")
Ms. Nitpicker, a fan of hurt/comfort stories, loves foul leering villains who love the thrill of the hunt--but she loathes people who try to italicize where they must not. He did NOT think, "He loved the thrill of the hunt." He thought, *Damn. I love the thrill of the hunt.* If you drop italics altogether, you can get away with this.
("At length" modifies "talked," and should be placed beside it. Ms. Nitpicker doesn't believe Blair was a Guide at length.
"Also" and "too" are redundant. Pick one..
Apparently there's a long line, possibly of good spellers, wanting to escape this story, which is Ms. Nitpicker's cue to leave, too.
EXTRA-CREDIT:He was an absentee CEO of a company, which manufactured prosthetic devices, called Protec.
(This was a nice try. The commas do indeed set off the side comment from the main statement, but it still sounds like the prosthetic devices are called Protec. Ideally, it should read, "He was an absentee CEO of a company called Protec which manufactured prosthetic devices." You may, if you wish, include commas before "called" and after "Protec," but it isn't required.)(1 pt.)
Ms. Nitpicker trusts you to be honest with yourself. In general:
46 to 52 points is an A
You didn't need Ms. Nitpicker's help and may have noticed a mistake that SHE made!41 to 45 points is a B
You are smarter than the average bear when it comes to writing, and Ms. Nitpicker is proud of you.36 to 40 points is a C
There is absolutely nothing wrong with being average, and most people in this world will never notice when you make a mistake-- because they, too, are average.31 to 35 points is a D
SHAME! You are below average. Go back and re-read Ms. Nitpicker's advice, and this time, pay attention!Anything under 31 is an F. No, that does not stand for "fantastic," as Ms. Nitpicker's niece insists.
There is no point in Ms. Nitpicker scolding you; you probably can't read this, anyway.
I want to go to Jane Leavell's Story Page and see how many mistakes I can find in a story actually written by that snotty Ms. Nitpicker.