Aphorisms, Quotations, & Wisecracks--Some C's

CANADA

A Canadian is somebody who knows how to make love in a canoe.--Pierre Berton, (1920-2004), Canadian writer, 1973
Canada is a county so square that even the female impersonators are women.--Richard Benner in the movie Outrageous
Canada reminds me of vichyssoise--it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir.--Stuart Keate, 1913-1987), Canadian journalist
Canadians are cold so much of the time that many of them leave instructions to be cremated.--Cynthia Nelms
Gentlemen, I give you Upper Canada, because I don't want it myself.--Artemus Ward (1834-1867), U.S. humorist
I don't even know what street Canada is on.--attributed to Al Capone (1899-1947), U.S. gangster
There are, of course, several things in Ontario that are more dangerous than wolves. For instance, the step-ladder.--J.W. Curran
You know that these two nations are at war for a few acres of snow, and that they are spending...more than all Canada is worth.--Voltaire (1694-1778), French author/philosopher

CENSORSHIP
Assassination is the extreme form of censorship.--George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), "The Shewing Up of Blanco Posnet"
I never knew a girl who was ruined by a book.--James J. Walker (1881--1946), mayor of New York
I am going to introduce a resolution to have the Postmaster General stop reading dirty books and deliver the mail.--Gail McGee, (1915-1992), U.S. senator
"We do not have censorship. What we have is a limitation on what newspapers can report."--Louis Nel, Deputy Minister of Information, South Africa

CHANCE
Chance is the pseudonym God uses when he doesn't want to sign his name.--Anatole France (1844-1924), French writer/critic

CHILDBIRTH
A mother loves the child more than the father does, for she knows it's her own, while he but thinks it's his.--Menander (342-291 B.C.), Fragments
Adults are obsolete children.--Dr. Seuss, (1904-1991), U.S. author of children's books
By far the most common craving of pregnant women is not to be pregnant.--Phyllis Diller (1917--), U.S. comedienne
Childbirth, as a strictly physical phenomenon, is comparable to driving a United Parcel truck through an inner tube.--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Heaven grant that the burden you carry may have as easy an exit as it had an entrance.--Erasmus (1465-1536), "Prayer for a Pregnant Woman"
I don't know why they say "you have a baby." The baby has you.--Gallegher, American comedian
I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.--Woody Allen (1935--)
I was caesarean born. You can't really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.--Steven Wright, quoted in Vanity Fair, 1984
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.--Lawrence Housman, (1865-1959), U.S. author
If pregnancy were a book, they would cut the last two chapters.--Nora Ephron (1941--), U.S. writer
If your parents didn't have any children, there's a good chance that you won't have any.--Clarence Day (1885-1933), U.S. humorist
It would seem that something which means poverty, disorder and violence every single day should be avoided entirely, but the desire to beget children is a natural urge.--Phyllis Diller, (1917--), U.S. comedienne
Men are generally more careful of the breed of their horses and dogs than of their children.--William Penn (1644-1718)
Men have children to prove they aren't impotent, or at least that some of their friends aren't.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--),Modern Manners, 1989
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.--Joan Rivers (1939--), quoted in Robert Byrne's The 637 Best Things Ever Written
Not to be born is best.--Sophocles (495-405), Greek playwright
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.--Don Herold (1889-1966), U.S. humorist
Should a father be present at the birth of his child? It's all any reasonable child can expect if dad is present at the conception.--Joe Orton (1933-1967), British playwright
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped.--Sam Levenson (1911-1980), U.S. humorist
The only time a woman wishes she was a year older is when she is expecting a baby.--Mary Marsh
There are two things in this life for which we are never fully prepared and that is twins.--Josh Billings (1818-1885), U.S. humorist
Think of stretch marks as pregnancy service stripes.--Joyce Armor, TV screenwriter
To my embarrassment, I was born in bed with a lady.--Wilson Mizner (1876-1933)
We have never understood the fear of some parents about babies getting mixed up in the hospital. What difference does it make if you get a good one?--Heywood Broun, (1888-1939), U.S. journalist
Why is it that people rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the people involved.--Mark Twain (Samuel Langhorne Clemens, American author)
You can sort of be married, you can sort of be divorced, you can sort of be living together, but you can't sort of have a baby.--David Shire
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside.--Heathcote Williams, poet

CHILD-REARING
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.--Peter De Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), in Social Studies
Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, the child does.--Chinese proverb
Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories.--John Wilmot, Earl of Rochester (1647--1680)
Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind.--Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.--Charles Wadsworth
Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Social Studies, 1981
Don't try to make children grow up to be like you, or they do it.--Russell Baker (1925--), New York Times, 1978
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.--P. J. O'Rourke, U.S. humorist
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?--Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.--Bill Cosby, (1937--), U.S. comedian
Having a family is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.--Martin Mull (1943--), U.S. comedian
Having children makes you no more a parent than having a piano makes you a pianist.--Martin Mull (1943--), U.S. comic actor
I figure that if the children are alive when I get home, I've done my job.--Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
I only have two rules for my newly born daughter: she will dress well and never have sex.--John Malkovich (1953--), U.S. actor
If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.--George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
It is easier for a father to have children than for children to have a real father.--Pope John XXIII
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.--Phyllis Diller (1917--), U. S. comedienne
Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.--Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
One of the most important things to remember about infant care is never change diapers in midstream.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. poet
Parents are not interested in justice, they're interested in quiet.--Bill Cosby, (1937--), U.S. comedian
Parents are the bones on which children cut their teeth.--Peter Ustinov, (1921--), British actor
Parents are the very last people who ought to be allowed to have children.--H.E. Bell
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.--Franklin P. Jones, U.S. humorist
Raising kids is part joy and part guerilla warfare.--Ed Asner, (1929--), American actor
Remember, when they have a tantrum, don't have one of your own.--Dr. Judith Kuriansky
Telling a teenager the facts of life is like giving a fish a bath.--Arnold H. Glasow
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant--and let the air out of their tires.--Dorothy Parker, (1893--1967), U.S. author
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.--Clarence Day (1885-1933), U.S. humorist
The phrase 'working mother' is redundant.--Jane Sellman
The real menace in dealing with a five-year-old is that in no time at all you begin to sound like a five-year-old.--Jean Kerr (1923--), U.S. playwright, in Please Don't Eat the Daisies, 1957
The secret of dealing successfully with a child is not to be its parent.--Mel Lazarus, U.S. cartoonist
The thing that impresses me most about Americans is the way parents obey their children.--Duke of Windsor, Look, March 5, 1957
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.--Peter De Vries, (1910--), U.S. writer
Train your child in the way you now know you should have gone yourself.--Charles Haddon Spurgeon (1834--1892)
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle--keep away from children.--Phyllis Diller (1917--), U.S. comedienne
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.--Phyllis Diller (1917--), U.S. comedienne
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
When you can't do anything else to a boy, you can make him wash his face.--Ed Howe (1853--1937)
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.--P.J. O'Rourke, U.S. humorist
Your children need your presence more than your presents.--Jesse Jackson, (1941--), U.S. activist

CHILDREN
A baby is an estimable blessing and bother.--Mark Twain (1835-1910), letter, 1876
A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on.--Carl Sandburg (1878-1967), U.S. poet
A child is a curly, dimpled lunatic.--Ralph Waldo Emerson, (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
All children are essentially criminal.--Dennis Diderot, (1713--1784), French philosopher
Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they'll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer.--Katharine Whitehorn (1926--), British writer
Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad.--Leo Rosten (1908--1997), U.S. writer, about W.C. Fields
Babies are such a nice way to start people.--Don Herold (1889--1966), U.S. humorist
By the time the youngest children have learned to keep the house tidy, the oldest grandchildren are on hand to tear it to pieces.--Christopher Morley (1890--1957), U.S. editor/writer
Children are a great comfort in your old age--and they help you reach it faster, too.--Lionel Kauffman
Children are a torment and nothing else.--Leo Tolstoy (1828--1910), Russian novelist
Children are all foreigners. We treat them as such.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
Children aren't happy without something to ignore,/And that's what parents were created for.--Ogden Nash, U.S. poet, in "The Parent," Happy Days, 1933
Children nowadays love luxury, have bad manners, contempt for authority, disrespect for elders....--attributed to Socrates (469-399 B.C.)
Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.--attributed to Socrates (469-399 B.C.)
Elephants and grandchildren never forget.--Andy Rooney (1919--), U.S. humorist
Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky.--Fran Lebowitz, U.S. author
Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.--E.B. Howe
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.--G. Norman Collie, (1859 - 1942), U.S.
Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.--Bill Cosby, (1937--), U.S. comedian/actor, in Fatherhood, 1986
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--)
I have three children--one of each.--Rodney Dangerfield (1921--2004), U.S. comedian and actor
I love children. Especially when they cry--for then someone takes them away.--Nancy Mitford (1904-1973), English novelist
I must have been an insufferable child; all children are.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish playwright
It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.--Kingsley Amis (1922-1995), English author
Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.--Robert Byrne, U.S. writer
Many a good cow hath an evil calf.--John Heywood (1497-1580)
Never have children, only grandchildren.--Gore Vidal (1925- ), U.S. writer
No animal is so inexhaustible as an excited infant.--Amy Leslie
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.--Leo J. Burke
Perfect love sometimes does not come till the first grandchild.--Welsh proverb
Small children disturb your sleep, big children your life.--Yiddish proverb
The childless escape much misery.--Euripedes, Medea, 431 B.C.
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a remarkable Christian forebearance among men.--Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent.--Sam Levenson (1911-1980), You Don't Have to Be in Who's Who to Know What's What
The trouble with children is that they are not returnable.--Quentin Crisp
There are only two things a child will share willingly--communicable diseases and his mother's age.--Benjamin Spock, U.S. doctor and author, in Dr. Spock's Baby and Child Care, 1945
There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.--Monta Crane
There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep.--Ralph Waldo Emerson, (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
We've had bad luck with our kids--they've all grown up.--Christopher Morley (1890-1957), U.S. writer
Whatever happened to the good ole days, when children worked in factories?--Emo Philips, US comedian
What's more enchanting than the voices of young people, when you can't hear what they say?--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865--1946), Afterthoughts, 1934
When children are doing nothing, they are doing mischief.--Henry Fielding (1701-1754), English novelist
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.--Franklin P. Jones, U.S. humorist

OTHER SUBJECTS to bow down before you.

CANADA

CENSORSHIP

CHANCE

CHILDBIRTH

CHILD-REARING

CHILDREN