FACTS AND FIGURES

• 10 fingers...10 toes. Aw, crap! I'm metric!--Brad Osberg of Calgary, Canada

• 96.37% of all statistics are made up.--Kevin D. Quitt

• Anyone attempting to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin.--John Von Neumann (1903-1957), German-born mathematics genius

• Averages don't always reveal the most telling realities. You know, Shaquille O'Neal and I have an average height of 6 feet.--U.S. Labor Secretary Robert Reich [4' 10" tall], born 1946. (US basketball star Shaquille O’Neal is 7’1” tall.)

• Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.--John Kenneth Galbraith (1908--), U.S. economist

• Figure won't lie, but liars will figure.--Gen. Charles H. Grosvenor (1833-1917), Ohio Representative, nicknamed "Old Figgers"

• I can prove anything by statistics--except the truth.--George Canning (1770--1827), British politician

• I do not regard a broker as a member of the human race.--Honore de Balzac (1799-1850), French novelist

• I don't have a bank account, because I don't know my mother's maiden name.--Paula Poundstone (1959--), U.S. comedienne

• I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was able to reason.--Plato (428-347 B.C.), The Republic, ca. 370 B.C.

• In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer

• It is now proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.--Fletcher Knebel (Charles Waldo Bailey, really), (1903--), U.S. historian/novelist

• Life is too short to balance a checkbook.--Howard Ogden

• The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.--Samuel McChord Crothers, (1879--1927), U.S. minister, in The Gentle Reader

• There are only two kinds of people who predict the [stock] market on a day-to-day basis. Those who don't know and those who don't know they don't know.--Robert Reich [1946-- ], U.S. Labor Secretary

• There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics.--attributed to Benjamin Disraeli (1804--1881), British politician

• There are two kinds of statistics, the kind you look up and the kind you make up.--Rex Stout, (1896--1975), U.S. mystery writer

  FATHERS

• Father and son are natural enemies and each is happier and more secure in keeping it that way.--John Steinbeck (1902--1968), U.S. novelist

• It is much easier to become a father than to be one.--Kent Nerburn, Letters to My Son: Reflections on Becoming a Man, 1994

• Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.--Robert Orben (1927-- ), U.S. humorist, writer for Red Skelton and Jack Paar

• No man is responsible for his father; that is entirely his mother's affair.--Margaret Turnbull, Alabaster Lamps

• When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.--Mark Twain, "Old Times on the Mississippi," Atlantic Monthly, 1874

  FASHION

• A man's tie should never be louder than his wife.--John Hughes

• If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.--Sue Grafton (1940--), U.S. mystery writer

• It's bad manners to apply cosmetics in public. It reminds people that you need them.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners

• Never wear anything that panics the cat.--P.J. O'Rourke, (1947--), U.S. humorist

• Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne

  FLYING

• If God had really intended men to fly, he'd make it easier to get to the airport.--George Winters

• If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.--Mel Brooks (1926--), U.S. comedian

• The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.--Douglas Adams (1952--2002), British SF writer

  FOOD--AND ABSTAINING FROM IT

• A cucumber should be well sliced and dressed with pepper and vinegar, and then thrown out, as good for nothing.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), Oct. 5, 1773

• A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.--Hermione Gingold, (1897--1987), British actress

• A waist is a terrible thing to mind.--Tom Wilson, U.S. cartoonist, "Ziggy"

• All the vitamins needed seem to be found in plebian dishes.--William Feather(1889-1981), U.S. author/publisher

• Asparagus inspires gentle thoughts.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834), English poet

• Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)

• Cheese. The adult form of milk.--Richard Condon (1915--1996), U.S. novelist, A Talent For Loving, 1961

• Cheese--milk's leap toward immortality.--Clifton Fadiman, Any Number Can Play, 1957

• Coffee isn't my cup of tea.--attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (1884-1974), Hollywood movie producer

• Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon, or not all.--Harriet Van Horne (1920--), U.S. columnist

• Eat as much as you like--just don't swallow it.--Steve Burns

• Food is an important part of a balanced diet.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Metropolitan Life, 1978.

• Happiness for me is largely a matter of digestion.--Lin Yutang (1895--1976), Chinese-American writer

• I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.--Katherine Cebrian

• I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't because if I liked it I'd eat it, and I just hate it.--Clarence Darrow (1857--1938), U.S. attorney

• I don't like to eat snails. I prefer fast food.--Strange de Jim

• I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.--Bob Saget, U.S. comedian

• I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne

• I'm a light eater. When it gets light, I start eating.--Tommy John (1943--), U.S. baseball player

• I'm allergic to food. Every time I eat it breaks out into fat.--Jennifer Greene Duncan

• I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short.--Shelley Winters (1920--), U.S. actress

• I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is fourteen days.--Totie Fields (--1978), U.S. comedienne

• Licorice is the liver of candy.--Michael O'Donoghue (1942--1994), U.S. comedy writer

• Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.--Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist, Superwoman, 1975.

• Lips, however rosy, must be fed.--Scottish proverb

• My favorite animal is steak.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer

• My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people.--Orson Welles, (1915 - 1985), U.S. actor

• Never eat more than you can lift.--Miss Piggy's Guide to Life as told to Henry Beard

• Obesity is really widespread.--Joseph O. Kern II

• Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.-- Alex Levine

• Our trouble is that we drink too much. I see in this the slow revenge of the Orient, which has diverted the Yellow River down our throats.--J. B. Priestley (1894--1984), British author,
  Observer, London, 15 May 1949.

• Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)

• Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English writer

• Research tells us that 14 out of any 10 individuals like chocolate.--Sandra Boynton, Chocolate: The Consuming Passion

• Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist

• Sex is good, but not as good as fresh, sweet corn.--Garrison Keillor, (1942--), U.S. writer

• Soup and fish explain half the emotions of life.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), English clergyman/writer

• Statistics show that of those who contract the habit of eating, very few survive.--Wallace Irwin (1876--1959), U.S. editor/author

• The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.--Jackie Gleason (1916--1987), U.S. comedian

• There is no sincerer love than the love of food.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish playwright

• To eat is human; to digest, divine.--Mark Twain (1835-1910) (but also attributed to Charles Townsend Copeland)

• Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.--Jim Davis, "Garfield" comic strip

• What's sauce for the goose may be sauce for the gander but is not necessarily sauce for the chicken, the duck, the turkey, or the guinea hen.--The Alice B. Toklas Cook Book, 1954

• Where do you go to get anorexia?--Shelley Winters, (1920--), U.S. actress

• Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner.--Lynda Montgomery

• You can never get a cup of tea large enough or a book long enough to suit me.--C.S. Lewis, (1898--1963), English author

  FRANCE

• France is a place where the money falls apart in your hands, but you can't tear the toilet paper.--Billy Wilder, (1906--2002), Hollywood director

• How can you be expected to govern a country that has 246 kinds of cheeses?--Charles De Gaulle, 1890-1970), president of France

• If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.--Wilfred Sheed (1920--), U.S. writer

• The trouble with the French is that they sit around twenty-four hours a day talking French.--Monty Wooley, (1888--1963), actor

  FRIENDS--AND ENEMIES

• A friend in need is a friend to be avoided.--Lord Samuel, English liberal politician (1870 - 1963)

• A friend is one who knows us, but loves us anyway.--Fr. Jerome Cummings

• A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.--Walter Winchell (1897--1972), U.S. gossip columnist

• A true friend stabs you in the front.--Oscar Wilde (1854--1900), Irish writer

• Do not remove a fly from your friend's forehead with a hatchet.--Chinese proverb

• Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral.--Kehlog Albran

• Friends are God's apology for relatives.--Hugh Kingsmill (1889--1949), British biographer/poet

• Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.--Thomas F. Jones (1916-1981), president of the University of South Carolina, in Wall Street Journal, 1975.

• God gives us relatives; thank God, we can choose our friends.--Addison Mizner (1872-1933), The Cynic's Calendar, p. 1.

• God save me from my friends; I can take care of my enemies.--English proverb, ca. 1477

• Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.--Alexander Pope (1688-1744), English poet

• I don't need a friend who changes when I change and who nods when I nod; my shadow does that much better.--Plutarch (46--120), Greek priest & writer

• I might give my life for my friend, but he had better not ask me to do up a parcel.--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865--1946), U.S. essayist/critic

• If all men knew what others say of them, there would not be four friends in the world.--Blaise Pascal (1623-1662), French mathmatician/scientist

• Love your enemies just in case your friends turn out to be a bunch of bastards.--R. A. Dickson

• My best friend would be the man who blew my brains out with a pistol.--Edgar Allan Poe (1804--1849), U.S. author

• My friends! There are no friends.--Aristotle (384-322 B.C.), Greek philosopher

• Never exaggerate your faults. Your friends will attend to that.--Robert C. Edwards

• One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they are hanged.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet

• Sometimes I get the feeling that the whole world is against me, but deep down I know that's not true. Some of the smaller countries are neutral.--Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor

• These can never be true friends: hope, dice, a prostitute, a robber, a cheat, a goldsmith, a monkey, a doctor, and a distiller.--Hindu proverb

• We should forgive our enemies, but only after they have been hanged first.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet

• When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne

• Whenever a friend succeeds, a little something in me dies.--Gore Vidal (1925--) in New York Times (Feb. 4, 1973)

• Your friend is that man who knows all about you, and still likes you.--Elbert Hubbard U.S. editor/publisher

  FUTURE

• I have seen the future and it doesn't work.--Robert Fulford, Canadian journalist

• I think a secure profession for young people is history teacher, because in the future, there will be so much more of it to teach.--Bill Muse, U.S. humorist

• It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.--Yogi Berra (1925--), U.S. baseball player

• The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time.--Dean Acheson (1893-1971), U.S. politician

• The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.--Paul Valery (1871--1945), French poet/essayist

• This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, which is a little ironic since we may not have one.--Arthur J. Clarke, U.S. scientist and S.F. author

OTHER SUBJECTS to look up.