The absent are always in the wrong.--English proverb (except it was said by Philippe Destouches,(1680-1754), French playwright, in L'Obstacle impreum )
ADVICE--GOOD AND OTHERWISE
About Advice:
Advice is like castor oil, easy enough to give but dreadful uneasy to take.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
Advice is like kissing: It costs nothing and it's a pleasant thing to do.--George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), British playwright
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.--Erica Jong (1942--), "How to Save Your Own Life" (1977), U.S. writer, poet
Be yourself is about the worst advice you can give to some people.--Thomas L. Masson, (1866--1934), writer
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.--Louis La Rochefoucauld (1777--1815)
I give myself sometimes admirable advice, but I am incapable of taking it.--Lady Mary Wortley Montagu (1689--1762), English poet
If I had been present at creation, I would have given some helpful hints.--Alfonso the Wise (1221-1284), Spanish king
No vice is so bad as advice.--Marie Dressler, (1869--1934). U.S. actress
Please give me some good advice in your next letter. I promise not to follow it.--Edna St. Vincent Millay, Letters, 1952.
The trouble with giving advice is that others want to return the favor.--Sam Ewing, (1921--), U.S. humorist
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.--Oscar Wilde (1854-1900). (Or is it "I always pass on good advice. It's the only thing to do with it. It is never any use to oneself."--Oscar Wilde, An Ideal Husband, 1895?)
There is hardly a man on earth who will take advice unless he is certain that it is positively bad.--Edward Dahlberg (1900-1977), U.S. author
When we ask advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice.--Joseph-Louis Lagrange (1796-1876), French mathematician
You simply MUST stop taking advice from other people.--Melissa Timberman
Actual Advice:
A large, clumsy umbrella is the best protection against the rain: there will be no rain as long as you're lugging it around.--Peter Wastholm, (1970--)
Abstain from beans.--Plutarch (46--120), Greek priest and writer
Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use.--Wendell Johnson (1906--1965), U.S. speech pathologist and general semanticist
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.--Phyllis Diller, (1917-- ), U.S. comedienne
Always be nice to those younger than you, because they are the ones who will be writing about you.--Cyril Connolly (1903--1975), English critic/editor
Always do right; this will gratify some people and astonish the rest.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.--Ernest Hemingway, (1899-1961), U.S. novelist
Always drink upstream from the herd.--Will Rogers, (1879--1935), U.S. comedian
Always go to the bathroom when you have a chance.--King George V of Great Britain, (1865-1936)
Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. If your stomach disputes you, lie down and pacify it with cool thoughts. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. Go very light on the vices, such as carrying on in society. The social ramble ain't restful. Avoid running at all times. Don't look back. Someone might be gaining on you.--Leroy "Satchel" Paige, Collier's, (13 June 1953)
Be good and you will be lonely.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Be grateful for luck. Pay the thunder no mind--listen to the birds. And don't hate nobody.--Eubie Blake, (1883--1983), U.S. musician
Be happy while you're living, for you're a long time dead.--Scottish Proverb
Be wiser than other people if you can; but do not tell them so.--Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield (1694--1773)
Begin at the beginning and go on until you come to the end; then stop.--Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes.--Henry David Thoreau, Walden (1854), "Economy"
Blame someone else and get on with your life.--Alan Woods
Borrow trouble for yourself, if that's your nature, but don't lend it to your neighbors.--Rudyard Kipling (1865-1936), English writer
Boys should abstain from all use of wine until after their eighteenth year, for it is wrong to add fire to fire.--Plato, (428--347 B.C.)
Buy land, they're not making it any more.--Mark Twain (1835-1910), U.S. writer
Comfort the afflicted, and afflict the comfortable.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867-1936), U.S. humorist
Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.--Bruce Graham
Don't be led astray into the paths of virtue.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish writer
Don't believe the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing--it was here first.--Robert Burdette
Don't bite the hand that has your allowance in it.--Paul Dickson, (1939--), U.S. journalist/writer
Don't borrow or lend, but if you must do one, lend.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), The Complete Works of Josh Billings, 1919
Don't despair, not even over the fact that you don't despair.--Franz Kafka (1884--1924), Diaries of Franz Kafka, 21 July 1913
Don't do anything you wouldn't be willing to explain on television.--Arjay Miller, Dean of Stanford GSB
Don't ever slam the door; you might want to go back.--Don Herold, (1889--1966), U.S. humorist
Don't have sex, man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.--Steve Martin (1945- ), U.S. comedian/actor
Don't jump on a man unless he's down.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. humorist
Don't stay in bed...unless you can make money in bed.--George Burns (1896-1996), U.S. comedian
Don't stick your tongue out unless you intend to use it.--David Lee Roth, (1954--), U.S. singer
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.--George Carlin (1937--), U.S. comedian
Don't take the bull by the horns, take him by the tail; then you can let go when you want to.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
Don't take yourself too seriously. And don't be too serious about not taking yourself too seriously.--Howard Ogden
Don't try to solve serious matters in the middle of the night.--Philip K. Dick, science fiction novelist (December 16, 1928 – March 2, 1982)
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.-~Knute Rockne, (1888-1931), U.S. football coach
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.--Will Rogers, (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.--David Letterman, (1947-- ), U.S. talk show host
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.--Edward I. Koch, U.S. politician (also attributed to JFK)
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.--Terry Pratchett, British SF author, in book Jingo
Gnaw not thy nails in the presence of others, nor bite them with thy teeth.--Francis Hawkins, 1663
Grow angry slowly--there's plenty of time.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.--Rita Rudner, (1956--),U.S. comedienne
I always advise people never to give advice.--P. G. Wodehouse, English novelist
I don't say we all ought to misbehave, but we ought to look as if we could.--Orson Welles, (1915 - 1985), U.S. actor/director
If called by a panther/Don't anther.--Ogden Nash, (1902--1971), U.S. poet
If it might break, don't go near it.--Herbert Stein, (1916--1999), U.S. economist
If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.--Catherine Aird, (1930--), English novelist
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the UP button.--Sam Levenson (1911-1980), U.S. humorist
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.--Bobcat Goldthwait, U.S. comic
If you want to get on in this world, make many promises, but don't keep them.--Napoleon I, (1769--1821)
If you wish to learn the highest truths, begin with the alphabet.--Japanese proverb
If you're going through hell, keep going.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965), English Prime Minister
If you're going to do something wrong, at least enjoy it.--Leo Rosten, (1908--1997), U.S. writer
It seldom pays to be rude. It never pays to be only half-rude.--Norman Douglas (1868--1952), British author
It will not always be summer. Build barns.--Hesiod, (8th century B.C.), Greek poet
It's all right letting yourself go, as long as you can get yourself back.--Mick Jagger, (1943--), British singer
Kids! Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your home.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), British fantasy/SF author, caveat to book Good Omens
Know thyself. Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.--Ann Landers (1918--2002), U.S. advice columnist
Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.--Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad.--P.D. East, 1921-1971), U.S. journalist
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.--Albert Einstein (1879-1955), U.S. scientist
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey through life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.--Josh Billings(1815-1885), U.S. humorist
Never accept a drink from a urologist.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he offers you candy.--Linda Festa
Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), British SF/fantasy author, Guards! Guards!
Never carry your shotgun or your knowledge at half-cock.--Austin O'Malley (1858 - 1932), physician/humorist
Never do anything yourself that others can do for you.--Agatha Christie (1890-1976), mystery writer
Never eat Chinese food in Oklahoma.--Bryan Miller, New York Times restaurant critic, food writer, and cookbook author
Never fight an inanimate object.--P. J. O'Rourke, (1947--), U.S. humorist
Never floss with a stranger.--Joan Rivers (1939--), U.S. comedienne
Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.--Elbert Hubbard, (1856--1915), U.S. editor/publisher
Never give up; and never, under any circumstances, no matter what--never face the facts.--Ruth Gordon (1896-1985), U.S. actress
Never go out with anyone who says he loves you more than his wife or girlfriend.--William Novak
Never insult seven men if you're only carrying a six shooter.--Harry Morgan
Never invest in anything that eats or needs repairing.--Billy Rose, (1899-1966), U.S. entrepreneur, author of song "Me and My Shadow"
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.--G. K. Chesterton (1876--1936), English writer
Never kick a fresh cow pie on a hot day.--Harry S. Truman (1884-1972), U.S. President
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
Never let your head hang down. Never give up and sit down and grieve. Find another way. And don't pray when it rains if you don't pray when the sun shines.--Satchel Paige (1906-1982), U.S. baseball player
Never look a gift horse in the mouth.--St. Jerome (345--420), "On the Epistle to the Ephesians," ca. 420 A.D.
Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide.--Woodrow Wilson, (1856--1924), U.S. President
Never play cards with a man named Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own.--Nelson Algren (1901-1981), Newsweek, July 2, 1956
Never play cat and mouse games if you're a mouse.--Don Addis (1935--), U.S. editorial cartoonist
Never put anything on paper, my boy, and never trust a man with a small black mustache.--P. G. Wodehouse (1881-1975), Cocktail Time, 1958
Never say "oops" in the operating room.--Dr. Leo Troy
Never stand between a dog and the hydrant.--John Peers
Never take a cross country trip with a kid who has just learned to whistle.--Jean Deuel
Never tell a woman that you didn't realize she was pregnant unless you're certain that she is.--Dave Barry, (1947--), U.S. humorist
Never transmit a sexual disease in public.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
Never trust anybody who says "trust me." Except just this once, of course.--John Varley, (1947--), sci-fi author, Steel Beach
Never try to outstubborn a cat.--Robert Heinlein, science fiction author, Time Enough for Love
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.--John Kenneth Galbraith, (1908--), U.S. economist
Never wear a backwards baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.--Dan Zevin, Entry-Level Life, 1996
No matter who you are or what you plan to do, learn to type!--Liz Smith, (1923--), U.S. gossip columnist
Nothing will work unless you do.--Maya Angelou, (1928--), U.S. poet
Of all the 36 alternatives, running away is best.--Chinese proverb
Of two evils, choose neither.--Charles H. Spurgeon (1834--1892), English Baptist preacher/writer
One should always be a little improbable.--Oscar Wilde (1854-1900), Irish author
Put your trust in God--but keep your powder dry.--attributed to Oliver Cromwell
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you!--Tommy Smothers, US comedian
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day--and another, in case it doesn't rain.--Mae West (1892--1980), New York Mirror, April 6, 1958
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the 'Titanic' who waved off the dessert cart.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.--Will Rogers (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
Speak the truth, but leave immediately after.--Slovenian Proverb
Suspect everybody, and keep your suspicions to yourself.--Charles Simmons
The best way out is always through.--Robert Frost (1874--1963), US poet
The best way to keep one's word is not to give it.--Napoleon Bonaparte, (1769--1821)
The first and greatest commandment is: Don't let them scare you.--Elmer Davis (1890-1958)
The problem with the designated driver program, is that it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.--Jeff Foxworthy, (1958--), U.S. comedian
There is one exception to the rule "Never eat at a restaurant called Mom's." If you're in a small town, and the only other place is called Eats--then go to Mom's.--Carl Waxman
Think in the morning. Act in the noon. Eat in the evening. Sleep in the night.--William Blake (1757-1827)
Try everything in life except incest and square dancing.--George Kaufman, U.S. playwright, in letter to his daughter
Try everything once except incest and folk dancing.--Sir Thomas Beecham (1879--1961), British conductor
Wash your hands often, your feet seldom, and your head never.--John Ray, 1670
We ought never to do wrong when people are looking.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Welcome thy neighbor to thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if you run out of food.--Dean McLaughlin, U.S. sci-fi author
Whatever advice you give, be short.--Horace (Quintus Horatio Flaccus)(65--8 B.C.), Roman satirist
When you cannot get a compliment by any other way pay yourself one.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.--Franklin D. Roosevelt (1882-1945), US president
When you have got an elephant by the hind leg, and he is trying to run away, it's best to let him run.--Abraham Lincoln (1809--1865) to Charles A. Dana (1819--1897), April 14, 1865
Why be disagreeable, when with a little effort you can be impossible?--Douglas Woodruff
You can get much farther with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.--attributed to Al Capone (1899--1947)
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?--Steven Wright, Omni, 1984
You've got to be very careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.--Lawrence "Yogi" Berra, Reader's Digest (August 1988)
AFRICA
Africa is God's county, and he can have it.----Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
AGING
A woman is as old as she looks before breakfast.--Ed Howe (1853--1937), U.S. humorist
A woman's always younger than a man of equal years.--Elizabeth Barrett Browning, (1806--1861), English poetess, "Aurora Leigh"
Age is a question of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.--Satchel Paige, (1906-1982), U.S. baseball player
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.--Tom Stoppard, (1937--), playwright
Age is not different from earlier life as long as you're sitting down.--Malcolm Crowley, age 80, quoted in Richard Restak's The Mind
Age is something that doesn't matter, unless you are a cheese.--Billie Burke, (1884--), U.S. actress
All would live long, but none would be old.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (September 1749)
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.--Agatha Christie, British mytery writer, in news summaries, 9 March 1954
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes get longer.--Robert Quillen, U.S. humorist/syndicated writer
As you get older, the pickings get slimmer, but the people don't.--Carrie Fisher, (1956--), U.S. actress
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.-- Robert Benchley, (1889--1945), U.S. humorist
Every man desires to live long, but no man would be old.--Jonathan Swift, "Thoughts on Various Subjects," 1711
First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.--George Burns, (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), U.S. comedian
Grandchildren don't make a man feel old; it's the knowledge that he's married to a grandmother.--G. Norman Collie, a nineteenth century political and social activist
Growing old is like being increasingly penalized for a crime you haven't committed.--Anthony Powell, (1905--2000), English novelist
Growing old--it's not nice, but it's interesting.--August Strindberg, (1849--1912), Swedish writer
How old would you be if you didn't know how old you was?--Leroy "Satchel" Paige, (1906-1982), U.S. baseball player
I believe in loyalty. When a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.--Eva Gabor, (1919--), actress
I do wish I could tell you my age but it is impossible. It keeps changing all the time.--Greer Garson, (1904--1996),U.S. actress
I prefer to forget both pairs of glasses and pass my declining years saluting strange women and grandfather clocks.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
I refuse to admit I'm more than fifty-two even if that does make my sons illegitimate.--Lady Nancy Astor (1879--1964), British politician
I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.--Janette Barber
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself. --Eubie [James Herbert] Blake--1983
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you grow old.--Ed Howe (1853--1937), U.S. humorist
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.--Jennifer Unlimited.
I'll never make the mistake of being seventy again!--Casey Stengel, (1890--1975), U.S. baseball manager for NY Mets
Inside every older woman is a young girl wondering what the hell happened.--Cora Harvey Armstrong, U.S. gospel singer
It is well known that the older a man grows, the faster he could run as a boy.--Red Smith (1905--1982), U.S. sportswriter
It seems like once people grow up, they have no idea what's cool.--Calvin
Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed.--Charles M. Schulz, (1922--2000), U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
Middle age is having a choice between two temptations and choosing the one that'll get you home earlier.--Dan Bennett, U.S. columnist
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.--Truman Capote, (1924--1984), U.S. novelist
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Middle age is when you have met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else and usually is.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
No wise man ever wished to be younger.--Jonathan Swift (1667--1745), Irish author
Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young.--Fred Astaire, (1899--1987), U.S. actor
Old age is no place for sissies.--Bette Davis, U((1908--1989), U.S. actress
Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative.--Maurice Chevalier (1888-1972,), New York Times, 9 October 1960
Old men are only walking hospitals.--Wentworth Dillon (1633-1685), Irish poet, in Translation of Horace's Ars Poetica, 1.202
One of the delights known to age, and beyond the grasp of youth, is that of Not Going.--J. B. Priestley, (1894--1984), British writer
The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing. The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.--Sigmund Z. Engel (1869--), quoted in Newsweek (New York, July 4, 1949).
The hardest people to convince they are at retirement age are children at bedtime.--Shannon Fife
The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70.--U.S. actress Helen Hayes (1900--1993), at age 73.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.--Ashley Montagu (1905--1999), British scientist/writer
The muddle of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
The really frightening thing about middle age is the knowledge that you'll grow out of it.--Doris Day (1924--), US actress/singer
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.--Lucille Ball, US comedienne (1911-1989)
The young don't know what age is, and the old forget what youth was.--Seumas MacManus, (1869--1960), Irish writer
There is still no cure for the common birthday.--John Glenn (1921--), U.S. astronaut/politician
Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.--Caryn Leschen, U.S. cartoonist & copywriter
Time is like a drug. Too much of it kills you.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), Small Gods
To me, old age is always fifteen years older than I am.--Bernard Baruch (1870-1965), Presidential advisor
When I grow up, I want to be a little boy.--Joseph Heller (1923---1999), US novelist
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.--George Burns, (January 20, 1896 – March 9, 1996), U.S. comedian
When you get to my age life seems little more than one long march to and from the lavatory.--John Mortimer (1923--), English dramatist/author
You know you're getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them.--Harrison Ford (1942--), U.S. actor (but I've also seen it attributed to Arnold Palmer, golfer)
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.--John Greier
Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret.--Benjamin Disraeli (1804--1881), Coningsby, Book III
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.--Herbert Asquith, (1852-1928), British prime minister
AMERICA--LOVE IT, LEAVE IT, OR LEAVE IT ALONE
America is a land where a citizen will cross the ocean to fight for democracy--and won't even cross the street to vote in a national election.--Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
America is a melting pot, the people at the bottom get burned while all the scum floats to the top.--Charlie King
America is a mistake, a giant mistake!--Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), psychoanalyst
America is a place where Jewish merchants sell Zen love beads to agnostics for Christmas.--John Burton Brimer, writer
America is an enormous frosted cupcake in the middle of millions of starving people.--Gloria Steinem, (1934-- ), U.S. activist
America is one long expectoration.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
America is one of the finest countries anyone ever stole.--Bobcat Goldthwaite, U.S. comedian
America is the best half-educated country in the world.--Nicholas Murray Butler (1862--1947), U.S. educator
America is the only nation in history which miraculously has gone directly from barbarism to degeneration without the usual interval of civilization.--George Clemenceau (1841-1929), French politician
Americans always try to do the right thing--after they've tried everything else.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965), English Prime Minister
Americans have different ways of saying things. They say `elevator', we say `lift'. . .they say `President', we say `stupid psychopathic git'. . . .--Alexi Sayle, British comedian
Americans like fat books and thin women.--Russell Baker (1925 - ), US columnist & journalist
Any American who is prepared to run for president should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from ever doing so.--Gore Vidal
Every time Europe looks across the Atlantic to see the American eagle, it observes only the rear end of an ostrich.--H.G. Wells (1866--1946), "America"
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.--Robert Benchley, Benchley--or Else!
God takes care of fools, drunks, and the United States of America.--Stephen Leacock (1869--1944), Canadian humorist/educator
I am willing to love all mankind, except an American.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English writer
I bet after seeing us, George Washington would sue us for calling him "father."--Will Rogers (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
I tremble for my country when I reflect that God is just.--Thomas Jefferson (1743--1826), U.S. President
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.--Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
In America the geography is sublime, but the men are not; the inventions are excellent, but the inventors one is sometimes ashamed of.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
It is a pity that instead of the Pilgrim Fathers landing on Plymouth Rock, Plymouth Rock had not landed on the Pilgrim Fathers.--Chauncey Depew, (1834-1928), U.S. politician, at an 1881 New England Society meeting in New York
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
No one ever went broke underestimating the taste of the American public.--H.L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
Of course, America had often been discovered before, but it had always been hushed up.--Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish author
Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it had been merely detected.--Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
The 100% American is 99% idiot.--George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish playwright
The Americans, like the English, probably make love worse than any other race.--Walt Whitman (1819-1892), U.S. poet
The United States never lost a war or won a conference.--Will Rogers (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
LI>Very little is known about the War of 1812 because the Americans lost it.--Eric Nicol (1919--), Canadian writer
We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.--Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
What a pity, when Christopher Columbus discovered America, that he ever mentioned it.--Margot Asquith, wife of British prime minister
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.--Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
When good Americans die, they go to Paris; when bad Americans die they go to America.--Oscar Wilde (1856-1900), Irish writer
ANCESTRY--OR LACK OF IT
A "good" family, it seems, is one that used to be better.--Cleveland Amory, (1917-1998), U.S. critic & animal activist, in Who Killed Society?
Everyone has something ancestral, even if it is nothing more than a disease.--Ed Howe (1853--1937), U.S. journalist
Gentility is what is left over from rich ancestors after the money is gone.--John Ciardi (1916-1986), U.S. poet
He that hath no fools, knaves, or beggars in his family was begot by a flash of lightning.--Thomas Fuller, Gnomologra, 1732
He who serves his country well has no need of ancestors.--Voltaire (1694--1778), French author/philosopher
Humans are not proud of their ancestors, and rarely invite them round to dinner.--Douglas Adams (1952--2002), SF author
Misers are no fun to live with, but they make great ancestors.--Tom Snyder
None of us can boast about the morality of our ancestors. The records do not show that Adam and Eve were married.--Ed Howe (1853--1937), U.S. journalist
Not only is there a skeleton in every closet, but there is a screw loose in every skeleton.--Samuel Butler II (1835-1902)
One of the best things people could do for their descendants would be to sharply limit the number of them.--Olin Miller, (1918-2002), U.S. humorist and poet
Our ancestors are very good kind of folks, but they are the last people I should choose to have a visiting acquaintance with.--Richard Brinsley Sheridan (1751-1816), The Rivals
The longer I live, the more keenly I feel that whatever was good enough for our fathers is not good enough for me.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish writer
We pay for the mistakes of our ancestors, and it seems only fair that they should leave us the money to pay with.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. poet/humorist
ANIMALS
Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They just can't buzz any slower.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Both the cockroach and the bird could get along very well without us, although the cockroach would miss us the most.--Joseph Wood Krutch (1893--1970), U.S. drama critic/biographer
I confess to you, I could never look long upon a monkey without very mortifying reflections.--William Congreve (1670--1729), Irish poet
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'--Bruce Baum, U.S. comedian
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.--Jeff Stilson, U.S. comedy writer
No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Social Studies
No one can feel as hopeless as the owner of a sick goldfish.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.--Plato (428-347 B.C.), Laws, book vii
Scientists say there are over 3,000 spiders for every human being on earth. Does anybody want mine? I certainly don't.--Chuck Bonner
There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool.--L. M. Boyd
When insects take over the world, we hope they will remember, with gratitude, how we took them along on all our picnics.--Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
Whenever you observe an animal closely, you feel as if a human being sitting inside were making fun of you.--Elias Canetti (1905-1994), Bulgarian-born German-writing Nobel Literature prize winner, in 1978
Cats
A cat can be trusted to purr when she is pleased, which is more than can be said for human beings.--William Inge (1913--1973), American playwright
A cat pours his body on the floor like water.--William Lyon Phelps (2 January 1865 - 21 August 1943), U.S. author, critic and scholar
A computer and a cat are somewhat alike -- they both purr, and like to be stroked, and spend a lot of the day motionless. They also have secrets they don't necessarily share.--John Updike, U.S. writer
A dog is a man's best friend. A cat is a cat's best friend.--Robert J. Vogel
A man has to work so hard so that something of his personality stays alive. A tomcat has it so easy, he has only to spray and his presence is there for years on rainy days.--Albert Einstein
Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings.--Oliver Herford (1863-1935), U.S. author/illustrator
Cats always know whether people like or dislike them. They do not always care enough to do anything about it.--Winifred Carriere
Cats are a mysterious kind of folk. There is more passing in their minds than we are aware of. It comes no doubt from their being so familiar with warlocks and witches.--Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), Scottish author
Cats are a waste of fur.--Rita Rudner,(1956--), U.S. comedienne
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.--Garrison Keillor (1942--), U.S. writer
Cats are just little hair factories.--James Davis, DVM
Cats are like Baptists. You KNOW they raise hell,but you can never catch them at it.--James Patterson, U.S. writer
Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.--Jeff Valdez, Latino writer/producer
Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit.--John S. Nichols
Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.--Joseph Wood Krutch (1893--1970), U.S. drama critic/biographer
Did St Francis preach to the birds? Whatever for? If he really liked birds he would have done better to preach to the cats.--Rebecca West, This Real Night
Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you.--Mary Bly (1962--), U.S. romance novelist Eloisa James
I don't mind a cat, in its place. But its place is not in the middle of my back at 4 a.m.--Maynard Stoddard, writer for Saturday Evening Post
I love cats. I even think we have one at home.--Edward Burlingame, editor of Scribner House
If a dog jumps in your lap, it is because he is fond of you; but if a cat does the same thing, it is because your lap is warmer.--Alfred North Whitehead (1861--1947), English mathematician/philosopher
If cats could talk, they would lie to you.--Rob Kopack
If cats could talk, they wouldn't.--Nan Porter
If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve man, but it would deteriorate the cat.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If only cats grew into kittens.--R. Stern
I gave my cat a bath the other day. He just sat there. Actually, I think he enjoyed it. It wasn't very fun for me, though. The fur kind of stuck to my tongue.--Steve Martin (1945--), U.S. comedian/actor
I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult. It's not. Mine had me trained in two days.--Bill Dana (October 5, 1924--), U.S. comedian/actor
It's a cat eat dog world.--Norman Lowery
I've never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.--Jay Leno, (1950--), U.S. talk show host/comedian
Kittens are born with their eyes shut. They open them in about six days, take a look around, then close them again for the better part of their lives.--Stephen Baker, author of How To Live with a Neurotic Cat
Kittens can happen to anyone.--Paul Gallico, (1897--1976), U.S. writer
My cat does not talk as respectfully to me as I do to her.--Colette (1873-1954), French novelist
Nature abhors a vacuum, but not as much as cats do.--Lee Entrekin
No matter how much the cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.--Abraham Lincoln (1809--1865), U.S. President
Of all the toys available, none is better designed than the owner himself. A large multipurpose plaything, its parts can be made to move in almost any direction. It comes completely assembled, and it makes a sound when you jump on it.--Stephen Baker, author of How To Live with a Neurotic Cat
One cat just leads to another.--Ernest Hemingway
Researchers in Germany have found a border collie named Rico that can understand more than 200 words. They also discovered a cat that can ignore over 1000 words.
--Jay Leno (April 28, 1950--), U.S. comedian/talk show host, June 2004
Some people lose all respect for a lion unless he devours them instantly. There is no pleasing some people.--Will Cuppy (1884--1949), U.S. humorist/journalist
Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.--Missy Dizick, U.S. writer
The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.--Doug Larson, U.S. columnist ("Senator Soaper" was his column)
The lion and the calf shall lie down together, but the calf won't get much sleep.--Woody Allen (1935-- ), Without Feathers, 1975
The only good cat is a stir-fried cat.--Alf, U.S. puppet
The problem with cats is that they get the same exact look whether they see a moth or an ax-murderer.--Paula Poundstone, (29 Dec 1959--), U.S. comedienne
To bathe a cat takes brute force, perseverance, courage of conviction--and a cat. The last ingredient is usually hardest to come by.-- Stephen Baker, author of How to Live with a Neurotic Cat
To err is human, to purr is feline.--Robert Byrne
When a man wants to murder a tiger he calls it sport; when a tiger wants to murder him he calls it ferocity.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), "Maxims for Revolutionists"
When I play with my cat, who knows whether I do not make her more sport than she makes me?--Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1580
Where there are no tigers, a wild cat is very self-important.--Korean Proverb
You own a dog; you feed a cat.--Jim Fiebig, NANA
Young normal tigers do not eat people. If eaten by a tiger, you may rest assured that he was abnormal.--Will Cuppy (1884--1949), U.S. humorist/journalist
Dogs
A dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can't afford to keep a yes-man.--Robertson Davies (1913--1995), Canadian playwright/novelist
A dog is not almost human, and I know of no greater insult to the canine race than to describe it as such.--John Holmes
A dog is the only thing on this earth that loves you more than you love yourself.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.--Robert Benchley (1889--1945), U.S. humorist
A dog wags its tail with its heart.--Martin Buxbaum
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their lives.--Sue Murphy
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.--Martha Scott
Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear.-- Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really.--Agnes Sligh Turnbull (1927--1987), U.S. writer
Happiness to a dog is what lies on the other side of the door.--Charlton Ogburn Jr. (1911--1988), U.S. writer
Heaven goes by favor; if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Histories are more full of examples of the fidelity of dogs than of friends.--Alexander Pope 1688--1744), English poet
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.--August Strindberg (1849--1912), Swedish writer
I spilled spot remover on my dog--and now he's gone.--Steven Wright (1955--), U.S. comedian
If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.--Andy Rooney (1919-- ), U.S. broadcaster
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.--Rita Rudner,(1956--), U.S. comedienne
I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl.--Penny Ward Moser, U.S. magazine writer
Man is a dog's ideal of what God should be.--Holbrook Jackson (1874--1948), English writer/critic
My dog is half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!--Craig Shoemaker
My dog is not a child substitute. At least, that's what his piano teacher says.-- Rita Rudner (1956--), U.S. comedienne
My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.--Rita Rudner, (1956--), U.S. comedienne
Newfoundland dogs are good to save children from drowning, but you must have a pond of water handy and a child, or else there will be no profit in boarding a Newfoundland.--H.W. Shaw (aka Josh Billings), (1815-1885), U.S. humorist
One dog barks at something; the rest bark at him.--Chinese proverb
People who keep dogs are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.--August Strindberg (1849--1912), Swedish writer
Properly trained, a man can be dog's best friend.--Corey Ford (1902-1969), U.S. humorist
Qui me amat, amet et canem meum. ("Love me, love my dog.")--St. Bernard, A.D. 1150, "Sermo Primus"
Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job -- Franklin P. Jones (1853-1935), U.S. humorist
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.--Andrew A. Rooney (1919- ), U.S. broadcaster
The dog is mentioned in the Bible eighteen times--the cat not even once.--W. E. Farbstein
The factory of the future will have only two employees, a man and a dog. The man will be there to feed the dog. The dog will be there to keep the man from touching the equipment.--Warren Bennis, U.S. leadership guru
The pug is living proof that God has a sense of humor.--Margot Kaufman, American writer
They never talk about themselves but listen to you while you talk about yourself, and keep up an appearance of being interested in the conversation. -- Jerome K. Jerome (1859--1927), British comic writer
To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.--Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), English novelist
You may have a dog that won't sit up, roll over or even cook breakfast, not because she's too stupid to learn how but because she's too smart to bother.--Rick Horowitz, Chicago Tribune
Chicken
A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.--Samuel Butler II (1835--1902)
Do incubator chicks love their mother?--Arthur Baer (1876-1969), U.S. humorist
Horses
God forbid that I should go to any heaven in which there are no horses.--R.B. Cunningham-Graham (1852-1936) in letter to Teddy Roosevelt, 1917
Woe to them that...rely on horses.---Isaiah 31:1, 8th century B.C.
Pigs
I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.--Cyrus Ching (1876-1967), U.S. labor leader/industrialist
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.--Winston S. Churchill (1874--1965), English Prime Minister
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?--Jon Stewart (1962--), U.S. comedian
Snakes
A snake should not be in your yard unless it has your written permission.--Dave Barry, "Insect Aside," Dave Barry is NOT Making This Up, 1994
When you see a snake, never mind where he came from.--W.G. Benham
ART
A portrait is a painting with something wrong about the mouth.--John Singer Sargent (1856-1925), U.S. artist
Art is long, and the talk about it is even longer.--William J. Locke (1863-1930), English novelist
Buy old masters. They fetch a better price than old mistresses.--Max Aiken, Lord Beaverbrook (1879-1964), Canadian press baron
In my own experience, anyone can paint if he doesn't have to.--Beatrice Lillie (1898--1989), Canadian actress
It does not matter how badly you paint so long as you don't paint badly like other people.--George Moore (1852--1933), Irish author
Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade themselves they have a better idea.--John Ciardi (1916-1986), U.S. poet
Rembrandt painted about 700 pictures--of these, 3000 are in existence.--Wilhelm Bode, German scholar
Sir, when their backsides look good enough to slap, there's nothing more to do.--Peter Paul Rubens (1577--1640), Flemish baroque painter
What is art? Prostitution.--Charles Baudelaire (1821--1897), French poet
ASTROLOGY
Astrology is a disease, not a science.--Moses Maimonides, Hilboth Tshuvah (Laws of Repentence), ca. 1195
AUSTRALIA
Australia is an outdoor country. People only go indoors to use the toilet, and that's only a recent development.--Barry Humphries (1934--), Australian comedian
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.--Charles Schulz (1922--2000), U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime.--Phyllis McGinley (1905--1978), U.S. poet