Aphorisms, Quotations, & Wisecracks--D's

DANCE

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well dance with it.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish playwright
No sane man will dance.--Marcus Tullius Cicero (160-43 B.C.), Roman philosopher

DEATH--AND WHAT FOLLOWS
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.--Joseph Stalin, (1879--1953), Russian dictator
Account ye no man happy till he die.--Euripedes, (ca. 496--406), Greek dramatist
Although, so far there's no known treatment for death's crippling effects, still everyone can acquaint himself with the three early warning signs of death: one, rigor mortis; two, a rotting smell; three, occasional drowsiness.--Henry Gibson, (1935--), U.S. comedian
Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing to do with it.--W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.--J.J. Furnas
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.--Rush Limbaugh, (1951--), U.S. conservative
Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired..--R. Geis
Death takes no bribes.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (July, 1742)
Death was Nature's way of telling you to slow down.--Terry Pratchett, (1948--), Strata, 1981
Do not try to live forever. You will not succeed.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950)
Don't die.--William Gaines, (1922--1992), U.S. publisher of MAD magazine
Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.--W. Somerset Maugham, (1874-1965), British novelist
Dying is not everything: you have to die in time.--Jean-Paul Sartre
Every morning I read the obits in The Times. If I'm not there, I carry on.--A.E. Mathews, (1869--1960), English actor
For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.--Johnny Carson, (1925--), U.S. talk show host
Glorious Destinies get you Glorious Funerals.--Mercedes Lackey, Winds of Fury, 8/93
I am one of those unfortunates to whom death is less hideous than explanations.--D.B. Wyndham-Lewis
I am ready to meet my maker, but whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965 ), English politician
I cannot forgive my friends for dying: I do not find these vanishing acts of theirs at all amusing.--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865--1946), All Trivia, 1949
I detest life-insurance agents; they always argue that I shall some day die, which is not so.--Stephen Leacock (1869--1944), Literary Lapses, 1910
If fame is only to come after death, I am in no hurry for it.--Martial (43--104), Roman epigrammatic poet
I wouldn't mind dying--it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.--R. Geis
Let us hope that when we are dead things will be better arranged.--Marcel Proust (1871--1922)
"Oh, well, life goes on," people say when someone dies. But from the point of view of the person who has just died, it doesn't.--The Last Hero, Terry Pratchett (1948--), British SF/fantasy author
Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.-- Isaac Asimov (1920-1992), U.S. science-fiction writer
My prayer to the Lord every day, is this--I have been a great sinner. I do not deserve Heaven. Let me stay here.--Andres Segovia (1894--1987), classical guitarist
No one owns life, but anyone who can pick up a frying pan owns death.--William Burroughs (1914--), U.S. writer
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
One can survive anything nowadays, except death.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900)
One difference between death and taxes is that death doesn't get worse every time Congress meets.--Roy L. Schaefer
Only the young die good.--Oliver Herford (1863--1935), U.S. poet
People born to be hanged are safe on water.--Mark Twain's mother
The difference between sex and death is, with death you can do it alone and nobody's going to make fun of you.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
The shortness of life, so often lamented, may be the best thing about it.--Arthur Schopenhauer, (1788-1860), German philosopher
Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me--I quit."--Bill Maher, on Politically Incorrect, 1995
The thought of suicide is a great comfort. It's helped me through many a bad night.--Friedrich Nietzche, (1884--1900), German philospher
There are so many ways of us dying it's astonishing any of us choose old age.--Beryl Bainbridge, (1934--), English novelist
To die and to lose one's life are much the same thing.--Irish proverb
To have died once is enough.--Virgil (70--19 B.C.), Roman poet
We die only once, and for such a long time!--Moliere (1622--1673), French playwright
We don't know life: how can we know death?--Confucius (551--478 B.C.), Chinese philosopher
When I die, I'd like to be scattered over my hometown. But not, like, cremated or anything.--Mitch Berg
When you wake up in the morning and nothing hurts, you can be sure you're dead.--Herbert Achternbusch, (1938--), German writer/filmmaker
Where there's a will, there's a dead person.--Ronnie Shakes, late U.S. comedian
You can't take it with you. You never see a U-Haul following a hearse.--Ellen Glasgow (1874-1945), U.S. writer

BURIAL
All I desire for my own burial is not to be buried alive.--Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield (1694--1773), 1769
I have nothing against undertakers personally. It's just that I wouldn't want one to bury my sister.--Jessica Mitford (1917- ), Saturday Review, 1 February 1964
There is nothing quite so good as burial at sea. It is simple, tidy, and not very incriminating.--Alfred Hitchcock, (1899--1980), U.S. film=maker

IMMORTALITY
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.--Woody Allen (1935- ) in Without Feathers, 1975, U.S. comedian/director
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.--Steven Wright, U.S. comedian
Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But somebody has to be first.--Bill Cosby (1937--), U.S. comedian/actor, Time Flies
Life is pleasant and I have enjoyed it, but I have no yearning to clutter up the Universe after it is over.--H.L. Mencken, Greatest Thoughts on Immortality, page 116
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.--Susan Ertz, Anger in the Sky

DEATH PENALTY
If Senator Donovan can get resurrection into the death penalty, I might be willing to give it a second look.--N.Y. Governor Hugh Carey
If we are not our brother's keeper, let us at least not be his executioner.--Marlon Brando (April 4, 1924 – July 1, 2004), U.S. actor
So long as governments set the example of killing their enemies, private citizens will occasionally kill theirs.--Elbert Hubbard, (1856--1915), U.S. editor/publisher
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence.--Brendan Behan, (1923--1964), Irish writer
Where would Christianity be if Jesus got 8 to 15 years with time off for good behavior?--N.Y. State Senator James H. Donovan

DECISIONS
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.--David Lloyd George, (1863-1945), English politician
I'll give you a definite maybe.--Samuel Goldwyn (1884--1974), U.S. film producer
Indecision may, or may not, be my problem.--Jimmy Buffett, U.S. singer
Once I make up my mind, I'm full of indecision.--Oscar Levant (1906--), U.S. TV personality
The hardest thing in life is to know which bridge to cross and which to burn.--David Russell
We know what happens to people who stay in the middle of the road. They get run over.--Aneurin Bevan (1897-1960), Observer (9 December 1953)
We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.--Lester B. Pearson (1897-1972), Canadian prime minister

DENTOPEDALOGY
Dentopedology is the science of opening your mouth and putting your foot in it. I've been practicing it for years.--Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (1921- ), on 10 June 1960

DIVORCE (see also MARRIAGE)
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.--Robin Williams, (1952--), U.S. actor
Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse.--Louis Saffan
Divorces are made in heaven.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish playwright
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.--Zsa Zsa Gabor, (1918--),actress
I don't believe in divorce. I believe in widowhood.--Carolyn Green
I don't think I'll get married again. I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.--Lewis Grizzard, (1947--1994), U.S. humorist
I think if people marry it ought to be for life; the laws are altogether too lenient with them.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. humorist
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.--Elayne Boosler, U.S. comedienne
It is better to have loved and lost, but only if you have a good lawyer.--Herb Caen, U.S. journalist, 1983
Old wives don't die if they're getting alimony.--David Brown
One reason people get divorced is that they run out of gift ideas.--Robert Byrne
Open marriage is nature's way of telling you you need a divorce.--Marshall Brickman, (1941--), U.S. TV & film writer
Take me or leave me; or, as is the usual order of things, both.--Dorothy Parker (1893--1967)
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.--Johnny Carson, U.S. talk show host
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.--Peter De Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne

DRINK
A feast is made for laughter, and wine maketh merry.--Ecclesiastes 10:19
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.--Edward Abbey, 1927-1989, U.S. writer
A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.--Craig Kilborn
Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder.--Addison Mizner (1872--1933), U.S. resort architect
LI>Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.--George Burns, (1896-1996), U.S. comedian
Although man is already ninety percent water, the Prohibitionists are not yet satisfied.--John Kendrick Bangs, (1862-1922), writer
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of a snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.--W.C. Fields (1880-1946), U.S. comedian
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965 ), English politician
American beer is a lot like making love in a row boat--It's f--king close to water!--Eric Idle (1943--), English comedian, member of Monty Python's Flying Circus
An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.--Dylan Thomas (1914-1953), poet
Better sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunken Christian.--Herman Melville, (1819--1891), U.S. novelist
Bibamus, moriendum est. (Let's drink, death is inevitable.)--Seneca the Elder (ca. 55 B.C.--37 A.D.)
Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question.--Henry Mon
Do not allow children to mix drinks. It is unseemly and they use too much vermouth.--Steve Allen, (1920--2000), U.S. writer/performer
Drink the first. Sip the second slowly. Skip the third.-~Knute Rockne, (1888-1931), U.S. football coach
Drink wine and have the gout; drink none and have the gout.--Thomas Cogan, Haven of Health, 1588, (1545?--1607), English medical writer
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.--Robert Benchley (1989-1945), U.S. humorist
Eat thy bread with joy, and drink thy wine with a merry heart.--Ecclesiastes 9:7
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has ever found a way to drink for a living.--Jean Kerr (1923--), U.S. playwright
For a Cannibal Martini, take 1/3 vermouth, 2/3 gin, and into this drop a small girl named Olive.--Fred Allen (1894--1956), U.S. comedian
Frenchmen drink wine just like we used to drink water before the Prohibition.--Ring Lardner Sr., (1885--1933), U.S. author
Give a man a beer, waste an hour. Teach a man to brew, and waste a lifetime!--Bill Owen
Habitual teetotalers. There should be asylums for such people. But they would probably relapse into teetotalism as soon as they came out.--Samuel Butler
He that drinks wine drinks blood, and he that drinks water drinks phlegm.--Florio, 1591
Heaven sent us soda water as a torment for our crimes.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936)
I do not drink more than a sponge.--Francois Rabelais (1494--1553), Works, Book i, chapter 5
I don't have a drink problem except when I can't get one.--Tom Waits, 1979, U.S. singer
I drink to make other people interesting.--George Jean Nathan, 1882–1958, U.S. drama critic
I drink when I have occasion for it, and sometimes when I have not.--Miguel de Cervantes (1547--1616), Spanish novelist
I have never been drunk, but I've often been overserved.--George Gobel(1919--1991), U.S. comedian
If die I must, let me die drinking in an inn.--Walter Mapes, 1200
If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.--David Daye
If you drink like a fish, don't drive. Swim.--Joe E. Louis, (1914--1981), U.S. comedian
If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.--Dean Martin, (1917--1995), U.S. singer
I'm a prohibitionist. What I propose to prohibit is the reckless use of water.--Bob Edwards
In the order named these are the hardest to control: Wine, Women, and Song.--Franklin P. Adams (1881--1960), U.S. humorist
I've formed a new group called Alcoholics Unanimous. If you don't feel like a drink, you ring another member and he comes over to persuade you.--Richard Harris, (1933--), Irish actor
I've made it a rule never to drink by daylight and never to refuse a drink after dark.--H.L. Mencken, (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Never drink from your finger bowl--it contains only water.--Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.--Capital Brewery, Middleton, WA
People who drink to drown their sorrow should be told that sorrow knows how to swim.--Ann Landers, (1918--), U.S. advice columnist
Religions change; beer and wine remain.--Hervey Allen, Anthony Adverse
Sometimes too much drink is barely enough.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The difference between a drunk and a alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.--Arthur Lewis
The innkeeper loves the drunkard, but not for a son-in-law.--Jewish proverb
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.-William Butler Yeats (13 June 1865–-28 January 1939), Irish poet
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.--French proverb
There is nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.--John Ciardi (1916--1986), Saturday Review, 1966
They drink with impunity, or anybody who invites them.--Artemus Ward (1834--1867), "Moses the Sassy"
They talk of my drinking but never my thirst.--Scottish proverb
Two reasons for drinking: one is, when you are thirsty, to cure it; the other, when you are not thirsty, to prevent it.--Thomas Love Peacock, (1785--1866), poet
Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
What I like to drink most is wine that belongs to others.--Diogenes the Cynic, 4th cen. B.C. Greek philosopher
What whiskey will not cure, there is no cure for.--Irish proverb
When there is no wine there is no love.--Euripedes (ca. 496--406), Greek dramatist
Whiskey and vermouth cannot meet as friends, and the Manhattan is an offense against piety.--Bernard De Voto (1897-1956), U.S. historian/critic
Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.--David Moulton
Wine is bottled poetry.--Robert Louis Stevenson (1854--1894), English author
Wine maketh glad the heart of man.--Psalms: 104:15
Wine, which cheereth God and man.--Judges 9:13
Work is the curse of the drinking class.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish playwright
You can't drown yourself in drink. I've tried, you float.--John Barrymore, (1882--1942), U.S. actor

DRIVING
A suburban mother's role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.--Peter De Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
Drive slow and enjoy the scenery--drive fast and join the scenery.--Doug Horton, SF author
Is fuel efficiency really what we need most desperately? I say that what we really need is a car that can be shot when it breaks down.--Russell Baker, (1925-- ), U.S. columnist
Life is too short for traffic.--Dan Bellack
Our national flower is the concrete cloverleaf.--Lewis Mumford, (1895-1990), U.S. writer
The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it.--Dudley Moore, (1935--2002), English actor

DRUGS
Cocaine is God's way of saying you're making too much money.--Robin Williams, U.S. comedian
Coke isn't habit-forming. I should know--I've been using it for years.--Tallulah Bankhead (1903-1968), U.S. actress
Don't do drugs because if you do drugs you'll go to prison, and drugs are really expensive in prison.--John Hardwick
Drugs. I can take them or leave them. But they're much more effective when I take them.--Ronnie Shakes, late U.S. comedian
I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.--Johnathan Katz, actor
I don't like people who take drugs...Customs men for example.--Mick Miller (1950--), English comedian
I've never had any problems with drugs, only with policemen.--Keith Richardson, English rock-and-roll star, Rolling Stones

SUBJECTS are the most important part of a sentence.

DANCE

DEATH--AND WHAT FOLLOWS

BURIAL

IMMORTALITY

DEATH PENALTY

DECISIONS

DENTOPEDALOGY

DIVORCE (see also MARRIAGE)

DRINK

DRIVING

DRUGS