Aphorisms, Quotations, & Wisecracks--L's

LAUGHTER

He who laughs, lasts.--Mary Pettibone Poole, writer, in A Glass Eye at a Keyhole, 1938
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.--Woody Allen (1935-- ), U.S. film-maker
If you are not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.--Martin Luther (1483--1546)
Laughter is a tranquilizer with no side effects.--Arnold H. Glasow

LAW
A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (February 1737)
A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
Apologists for the profession contend that lawyers are as honest as other men, but that is not very encouraging.--Ferdinand Lundberg (1902-1995), U.S. writer
During the mid-1980's dairy farmers decided there was too much cheap milk at the supermarket. So the government bought and slaughtered 1.6 million dairy cows. How come the government never does anything like this with lawyers?--P. J. O'Rourke (1947--)
God works wonders now and then; Behold a lawyer an honest man.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (December 1733)
He is no lawyer who cannot take sides.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834), poet
I think we may class the lawyer in the natural history of monsters.--John Keats (1795--1821), English poet
I always figured that being a good robber was like being a good lawyer.--Willie Sutton, (1901--1980), U.S. bank-robber
If half the lawyers would become plumbers, two of man's biggest problems would be solved.--Felton Davis, Jr.: "Reflections on the Lake," published in The Gainesville Times (GA)
If it weren't for the lawyers we wouldn't need them.--William Jennings Bryan (1860--1925), U.S. politician
Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made.--Otto von Bismarck (1815--1898), German Chancellor
Lawyers and insurance agents deserve one another.--Craig Vetter
Lawyers are jackals.--Erasmus (1465--1536)
Lawyers spend a great deal of their time shoveling smoke.--Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr. (1841 -1935), U.S. Supreme Court judge
Lawyers, I suppose, were children once.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834)
Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.--Franz Kafka (1884--1924), author
Most lawyers are swine. And not even nice swine.--Charles McCabe
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.--William Shakespeare (1564--1616), Henry VI Part II, 1597/8
The laws I love; the lawyers I suspect.--Charles Churchill (1731--1764)
The only difference between a dead skunk lying in the road and a dead lawyer lying in the road is that there are skid marks around the skunk.--Patrick Murray
The people can change Congress but only God can change the Supreme Court.--George W. Norris
We have a criminal jury system which is superior to any in the world; and its efficiency is only marred by the difficulty of finding twelve men every day who don't know anything and can't read.--Mark Twain (1835-1910), Sketches Old and New, 1875
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.--Norm Crosby, U.S. comedian, (1927- )
When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.--Marcus Tullius Cicero (160-43 B.C.)
Where there's a will, there's a lawsuit.--Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
Woe unto ye also, ye lawyers! for ye lade men with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye touch not the burdens with one of your fingers.--Luke 11:46

LAZINESS
Bodily exercise profiteth little.--1 Timothy 4:8
Half a loaf is better than no free time at all.--J.D. Ward
He slept beneath the moon/He basked beneath the sun;/He lived a life of going-to-do,/And died with nothing done.--James Albery's epitaph for himself (1838-1889)
How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then to rest afterward.--Spanish proverb
It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do.--Jerome K. Jerome (1859--1927), Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow
If you can spend a perfectly useless afternoon in a perfectly useless manner, you have learned how to live.--Lin Yutang (1895--1976), Chinese-American writer
I am happiest when I am idle. I could live for months without performing any kind of labor, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for numerous more months.--Artemus Ward (1834--1867), Natural History, Chapter Three
It is better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Never do anything standing that you can do sitting, or anything sitting that you can do lying down.--Chinese proverb
Whenever I feel the urge to exercise coming on, I lie down until it passes over.--attributed to Robert Maynard Hutchins (1899--1977 ), U.S. educator

LEARNING AND ITS DRAWBACKS (see also "EDUCATION" and "GREAT TEACHERS")

LIFE
All men's lives are fairy tales written by the fingers of God.--Hans Christian Anderson (1805--1875), Danish author
Any idiot can face a crisis--it's this day-to-day living that wears you out.--Anton Chekhov (1860--1904), Russian physician/author
Be careful how you interpret the world; it is like that.--Erich Heller, U.S. literary critic
Have you ever had the feeling life is a black tuxedo and you were a pair of brown shoes?--George Gobel,(1919--1991), U.S. comedian
I wept when I was born and every day explains why.--Spanish proverb
If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner.--Tallulah Bankhead (1900--1968), U.S. actress
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.--Franz Kafka (1884--1924), novelist
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
In times like these, it helps to recall that there have always been times like these.--Paul Harvey, (1918--), U.S. radio commentator
It is not certain that everything is uncertain.--Blaise Pascal (1623--1662), Pensees, 1670
It may be that the race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong--but that's the way to bet--Damon Runyon 1884--1946), U.S. short story writer/humorist
It's a grand life, if you don't tire.--Gaelic proverb
Life does not begin at conception, but when the kids leave home and the dog dies.--Russ James rjames@thegrid.net
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. --Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Lif is too short.--Bart Gold (1970--)
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian/film-maker
Life is a dead-end street.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Life is a dream--but don't wake me.--Yiddish proverb
Life is a great big canvas; throw all the paint on it you can.--Danny Kaye (1913-1987), U.S. actor
Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to change his bed.--Pierre Charles Baudelaire (1821-1867), French poet
Life is a quarantine for paradise.--Karl Julius Weber (1767-1832), German writer
Life is a rollercoaster. Try to eat a light lunch.--David A. Schmaltz, U.S. writer
Life is a sexually-transmitted disease.--Guy Bellamy, U.S. author
Life is a zoo in a jungle.--Peter De Vries, (1910--), U.S. writer
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it. By this definition, the amoeba, the mango, the frog, the squirrel, the bear, the begonia, and many lawyers are forms of Life.--Dave Barry, Bad Habits, 1982
Life is better than death, I believe, if only because it is less boring, and because it has fresh peaches in it.--Alice Walker (1944--), U.S. author
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering--and it's all over much too soon.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
Life is just one damned thing after another.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. editor/publisher, in Philistine, 1909
Life is like a B-grade movie. You don't want to leave in the middle, but you don't want to see it again.--Ted Turner, (1938--), U.S. billionaire
Life is like a dog-sled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes.--Lewis Grizzard, (1947--1994), U.S. humorist
Life is like a scrambled egg.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), "Frustration"
Life is like a ten-speed bike. Most of us have gears we never use.--Charles M. Schulz (1922--), U.S. cartoonist
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer and then you find there is nothing in it.--James Gibbons Huneker (1860–1921),U.S. musician, critic
Life is not a spectacle or a feast; it is a predicament.--George Santayana (1863--1952), Articles and Essays
Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination.--Christopher Isherwood (1904--1986), English playwright
Life is one long process of getting tired.--Samuel Butler, 1912
Life is something that everyone should try at least once.--Henry J. Tillman
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleeep.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
Life is too short to be small.--Benjamin Disraeli (1804--1881), British Prime Minister
Life is too short to do anything for one's self that one can pay others to do for one.--W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
Life's a tough proposition, and the first hundred years are the hardest.--Wilson Mizner (1876--1933), U.S. dramatist/wit
Life can be divided into the horrible and the miserable.--Woody Allen (1935--), Annie Hall
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.--David Lodge, The British Museum is Falling Down, 1965
Living is like licking honey off a thorn.--Louis Adamic (1899-1951), U.S. novelist/journalist
My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.--Ashley Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
My theory is to enjoy life, but the practice is against it.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834), English poet, in 1822
Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.--Brendan Gill (1914--1997), U.S. U.S. writer
People's whole lives do pass in front of their eyes before they die. The process is called 'living.'--Terry Pratchett (1948--), The Last Continent
Reality is a collective hunch.--Mel Seesholtz, Penn State U. professor
Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Search for meaning, eat, sleep. Die, search for meaning, search for meaning, search for meaning.--Doug Horton, SF author
Strange as it may seem, my life is based on a true story.--Ashley Brilliant, (1933--), U.S. writer
The meaning of life is that it stops.--Franz Kafka (1884--1924), novelist
The things that I can't have I want,/And what I have seems second-rate,/The things I want to do I can't,/And what I have to do I hate.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. humorist
The times are not so bad as they seem; they couldn't be.--Jay Franklin (1897--)
The way I see it, we're all on the Hindenberg. Why fight over the window seats?--Richard Jeni, comedian (April 14, 1957--March 10, 2007)
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.--Peter Beard (1938--), U.S. photographer
The world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.--Sean O'Casey (1880--1964), Irish playwright
There are two tragedies in life. One is not to get your heart's desire. The other is to get it.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Man and Superman, 1903
There is no cure for birth and death save to enjoy the interval.--George Santayana (1863--1952), Soliloquies in England
Things aren't as bad as they seem. They are worse.--Bill Press, U.S. columnist
To dream is happiness; to wake is life.--Victor Hugo (1802--1885), French novelist
While we are postponing, life speeds by.--Seneca (3 BC--65 AD), Roman playwright

LITERATURE
Hamlet is the tragedy of tackling a family problem too soon after college.--Tom Masson (1866--1934), writer
Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. Life is the other way around.--David Dodge (1910-1974), U.S. mystery writer
Never judge a book by its meeting.--J.W. Eagan
Our American professors like their literature clean and cold and pure and very dead.--Sinclair Lewis (1885--1951), U.S. novelist
To mankind in general, Macbeth and Lady Macbeth stand out as the supreme type of all that a host and hostess should not be.--Max Beerbohm (1872-1956), English writer

LOSING
It's the poor loser who finally loses out.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist

LOVE (see also SEX IN VARIOUS FORMS)
A lot of people wonder how you know if you're really in love. Just ask yourself this one question: "Would I mind being destroyed financially by this person?"--Ronnie Shakes, "Famous Womanisms," U.S. comedian
Infatuation is when you think he's as sexy as Robert Redford, as smart as Henry Kissinger, as noble as Ralph Nader, as funny as Woody Allen, and as athletic as Jimmy Conners. Love is when you realize that he's as sexy as Woody Allen, as smart as Jimmy Conners, as funny as Ralph Nader, as athletic as Henry Kissinger, and nothing like Robert Redford--but you'll take him anyway.--Judith Viorst (1931--), U.S. poet
It is better to have loved a small man than never to have loved a tall.--Mary Jo Crowley, Comedy Writing Secrets by Melvin Helitzer
Love conquers all except poverty and toothache.--Mae West (1892--1980), U.S. actress
Love is a grave mental disease.--Plato (428-347 B.C.), Greek philosopher
Love is a perky elf dancing a merry little jig and then suddenly he turns on you with a miniature machine gun.--Matt Groening, (1954--), U.S. cartoonist
Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.--Matt Groening, "Love is Hell"
Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke--Lynda Barry (1956--), U.S. cartoonist
Love is being stupid together.--Paul Valery (1871--1945), French poet/essayist
Love is just a chemical reaction. But it's fun trying to find the formula.--J.D. Shantel, professor of chemistry
Love is like the measles. The older you get it, the worse the attack.--Mary Roberts Rinehart, (1876--1958), U.S. mystery writer
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket, or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.--Judith Viorst in Redbook magazine
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin--it's the triumphant twang of a bedspring.--S. J. Perelman, (--1979), U.S. screenwriter
Love is the ame as like except you feel sexier.--Judith Viorst, (1931--), U.S. poet
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
Stay me with flagons, comfort me with apples: for I am sick of love.--The Song of Solomon, 2:5, circa 200 B.C.
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.--Erich Segal (1937--), U.S. writer
True love is like seeing ghosts: we all talk about it, but few of us have ever seen one.--Louis La Rochefoucauld (1777--1815)
Two things only a man cannot hide: that he is drunk and that he is in love.--Antiphanes (c.388-c.311 BC), Greek playwright
We had a lot in common. I loved him and he loved him.--Shelley Winters, (1920--), US movie actress
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.--Henny Youngman, (1906--1998), U.S. comedian

LUCK (see also: CHANCE)
Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, but remember it didn't work for the rabbit.--R. E. Shay
I feel like a fugitive from the law of averages.-~William H. Mauldin (1921--), U.S. cartoonist
I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?-~Stanislaw J. Lec
It is bad luck to be superstitious.--Andrew W. Mathis
So unlucky that he runs into accidents which started out to happen to somebody else.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), "Archy Says"
The only sure thing about luck is that it will change.--Wilson Mizner (1876--1933), U.S. wit
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like?--Jean Cocteau (1889-1963), French author
You need a strong stomach to digest luck.--Russian proverb

OTHER SUBJECTS to study. Beware of pop quizzes.

LAUGHTER

LAW

LAZINESS

LEARNING AND ITS DRAWBACKS (see also "EDUCATION" and "GREAT TEACHERS")

LIFE

LITERATURE

LOSING

LOVE (see also SEX IN VARIOUS FORMS)

LUCK (see also: CHANCE)