Aphorisms, Quotations, & Wisecracks--M

MARRIAGE (see also LOVE and SEX IN VARIOUS FORMS)

A bachelor is like a new detergent, works fast and leaves no ring.--Terry Canterbury
A fool and his money are soon married.--Carolyn Wells (1870-1942), U.S. writer
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.--Grace Hansen
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.--Anonymous
All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.--Raymond Hull (1919-1985), Canadian author
An ideal husband is one who treats his wife like a new car.--Dan Bennett, U.S. columnist
Any woman who still thinks marriage is a fifty-fifty proposition is only proving that she doesn't understand either men or percentages.--Flo Kennedy (1916--2000), political activist
Apparently men can be cured of drugs, drink, gambling, biting his nails and picking his nose, but not of marrying.--William Faulkner (1897-1962), U.S. author
Archaelogists make the best husbands. The older you get, the more they're interested.--Agatha Christie (1890-1976), British mystery writer
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take which course he will, he will be sure to repent.--Socrates (470--399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.--Henry L. Mencken (1880-1956)
Bigamy is having one husband too many. Monogamy is the same.--Erica Jong (1942--)
By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.--Socrates (469--399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
Call no man unhappy until he is married.--Socrates (469--399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
He who lives without quarreling is a bachelor.--St. Jerome (340--420)
Housewives deserve well-furnished minds. They have to live in them such a lot of the time.--Phyllis McGinley (1905-1978), U.S. poet
I am too much interested in other men's wives to think of getting one of my own.--George Moore (1852--1933), Irish author
I believe in large families. Every woman should have at least three husbands.--Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood actress
I can't mate in captivity.--Gloria Steinem (1934--), U.S. activist
I do not refer to myself as a 'housewife' for the reason that I did not marry a house.--Wilma Scott Heide (1926--1985), U.S. feminist
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
I married beneath me--all women do.--Lady Nancy Astor (1879--1964), English politician
I never knew what real happiness was until I got married and by then it was too late.--Max Kauffman
I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.--Marie Corelli, (1855-1924), English novelist
I shall marry in haste, and repeat at leisure.--James Branch Cabell (1879--1958), U.S. fantasy novelist
I think, therefore I'm single.--Liz Winstead, U.S. comedy TV writer
I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.--Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist
I'd like to get married because I like the idea of a man being required by law to sleep with me every night.--Carrie Snow, U.S. comedienne
If I ever marry it will be on sudden impulse, as a man shoots himself.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
If love means never having to say you're sorry, then marriage means always having to say everything twice.--Estelle Getty (1924--), U.S. actress
If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry.--Anton Chekhov (1860--1904), Russian physician/author
If you marry, you will regret it. If you do not marry, you will also regret it.--Soren Kierkegaard (1813-1855), Danish philosopher
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
In the early years, you fight because you don't understand each other. In the later years, you fight because you do.--Joan Didion (1934--), U.S. journalist, essayist, and novelist
It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But, hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!--Richard Jeni, U.S. comedian (April 14, 1957--March 10, 2007)
It is as hard to arrange a good marriage as it was to divide the Red Sea.--Talmud: Sotah, 2A
It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.--Lillian Bell
It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.--Spike Milligan, (1918--2002), English comedian
Jesus was a bachelor.--Don Herold (1889--1966), U.S. humorist
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half-shut afterwards.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (June, 1738)
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the whole girl.--Stephen Leacock, (1869--1944), Canadian humorist/educator, Literary Lapses, 1910
Marriage has many pains, but celibacy has no pleasures.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English author
Marriage, if one will face the truth, is an evil, but a necessary evil.--Menander (342--291 B.C.), Greek playwright
Marriage is a lottery, but you can't tear up your ticket if you lose.--F. M. Knowles, A Cheerful Yearbook
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English writer
Marriage is good for those who are afraid to sleep alone at night.--St. Jerome (345--420), Attack on Jovinian
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest.--Irwin Corey (1914--), U.S. comedian
Marriage is like pleading guilty to an indefinite sentence. Without parole.--John Mortimer (1923--), English barrister and novelist, in The Trials of Rumpole
Marriage is our last, best chance to grow up.--Joseph Barth
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.--François, Duc de La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680), French classical author
Marriage resembles a pair of shears, so joined that they cannot be separated; often moving in opposite directions, yet always punishing anyone who comes between them.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), English writer & clergyman
Married women are kept women, and they are beginning to find it out.--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865--1946), Afterthoughts
Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage--they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.--Rita Rudner (1956--), U.S. comedienne
My advice to you is get married. If you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.--Socrates (470--399 B.C.),Greek philosopher/teacher
My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.--Lee Trevino (1939--), U.S. golfer (Alternatively given as "My wife tells me she doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I'm not enjoying it.")
Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989
Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife; she has thought much worse things about you.--Jean Rostand, "Le Mariage", 1927
Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. editor/publisher
Never trust a husband too far or a bachelor too near.--Helen Rowland (1876 - 1950), English-American writer
Niagara Falls is only the second biggest disappointment of the standard honeymoon.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish playwright
One good husband is worth two good wives; for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790)
One man's folly is another man's wife.--Helen Rowland (1876 - 1950), English-American writer
One of the best things about marriage is that it gets young people to bed at a decent hour.--M. M. Musselman, screenwriter
Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.--Groucho Marx (1890-1977)
Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men should be happier than others.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry.--Gloria Steinem (1934--), U.S. activist
Take it from me--marriage isn't a word--it's a sentence.--King Vidor, (1894--1982), U.S. film-maker
The bonds of wedlock are so heavy that it takes two to carry them--sometimes three.--Alexandre Dumas, fils
The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play the violin.--Honore de Balzac (1799--1850), French novelist
The only good husbands stay bachelors; they're too considerate to get married.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. journalist
The trouble with marrying your mistress is that you create a job vacancy.--Sir James Goldsmith (--1997), corporate raider
There are only about twenty murders a year in London, and not all are serious. Some are just husbands killing their wives.--Cmdr. G. H. Hatherill, British policeman, in Jane Goodsell's Not a Good Word
There is more to marriage than four bare legs in a bed.--John Heywood (1497?--1580?), English dramatist
There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first.--Adela Rogers St. John
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.--Clint Eastwood, (1930--), U.S. actor
We wedded men live in sorrow and care.--Chaucer (1340--1410), English author
What God has put asunder, why should man put it together?--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.--Helen Rowland (1876--1950), English-American writer
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.--Sacha Guitry, Elles et toi, 1948.
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'--Rita Rudner (1956--), U.S. comedienne
Where singleness is bliss, it's folly to be wives.--Bill Counselman, Ella Cinders
Why does the blind man's wife paint herself?--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (June 1736)
Wife-swapping is never done in the best circles of society. Wives can rarely, if ever, be traded for anything useful like a set of golf clubs.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners, Atlantic Monthly Press, 1989
Wives and watermelons are picked by chance.--Greek proverb
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.--Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian

ME, CREATOR OF THIS WEB SITE
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A red-headed man will make a good stallion.--John Ray (1628-1705), English naturalist
All phone calls are obscene.--Karen Elizabeth Gordon, U.S. writer
Bad grammar is the leading cause of slow, painful death in North America.--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional manner...sulking and nausea.--Tom K. Ryan (1926--), U. S. "Tumbleweeds" cartoonist
I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.--Gilda Radner, (1946--1989), U.S. comedienne
I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.--Garrison Keillor (1942--), U.S. writer
I can handle reality in small doses, but as a lifestyle, it's much too confining.--Lily Tomlin (1939-- ), U.S. actress/comedienne
I have nothing definite to apologize for; I'm just sorry about everything in general.--Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
I liked things better when I didn't understand them.--Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent.--Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
I'm from Indiana, the home of more first-rate second-class men than any other state in the union.--Thomas R. Marshall (1854-1925), U.S. Vice-President
I'm troubled, I'm dissatisfied, I'm Irish.--Marianne Moore "Spenser's Ireland"
My life has been full of terrible misfortunes most of which never happened--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
My life needs a rewind/erase button.--Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.--Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
Reality continues to ruin my life.--Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'--Charlie Brown (Charles Schultz's comic strip "Peanuts")
That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!--Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.--Gore Vidal (1925--), U.S. novelist/author
Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.-- Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
With me, it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.--Woody Allen (1935-- ), U.S. film-maker

MEDICINE
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.--Carrie Snow, U.S. comedienne/screenwriter
And Nathan, being sick, trusted not in the Lord, but sent for a physician; and Nathan was gathered unto his fathers.--Old Testament
Before undergoing a surgical operation, arrange your temporal affairs. You may live.--Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), U.S. writer
Both the doctor and the Angel of Death kill--but the doctor charges a fee for it.--Ibn Zabara (ca. 1140--ca. 1200), Book of Death
English physicians kill you, the French let you die.--Lord Melbourne, William Lamb (1779--1848), English Prime Minister
God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard, November 1736
Half of the modern drugs could well be thrown out the window, except that the birds might eat them.--Martin H. Fischer (1879--1962 ), German physician
He that sinneth before his Maker, let him fall into the hands of a physician.--Ecclesiastes 38
I die by the help of too many physicians.--Alexander the Great (356-323 BC), on his deathbed
I firmly believe that if the whole materia medica could be sunk to the bottom of the sea, it would be all the better for mankind, and all the worse for the fishes.--Oliver Wendell Holmes (1809--1894), U.S. essayist & poet
It was difficult for the Angel of Death to kill everybody in the whole world, so he appointed doctors to assist him.--Nahman of Bratzlav, Jewish mystic
Medicine can only cure curable diseases, and then not always.--Chinese proverb
One of the best-kept medical secrets of our day: Everything gives white mice cancer.--Marvin Kitman, Coward's Almanac
One of the first duties of the physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.--Sir William Osler (1849--1919), Canadian physician
One of the most difficult things to contend with in a hospital is that assumption on the part of the staff that because you have lost your gall bladder you have also lost your mind.--Jean Kerr, (1923-- ), U.S. playwright
Suicide is cheating the doctors out of a job.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
The trouble with being a hypochondriac these days is that antibiotics have cured all the good diseases.--Cackie Stinnet
I don't know much about medicine, but I know what I like.-S.J. Perelman (--1979), U.S screenwriter
Vaccination is undoubtedly a definite recognition of smallpox.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965 ), English Prime Minister
Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone.--Jan King

MEMORY
A strong memory is commonly coupled with infirm judgment.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.—Steven Wright (1955--), U.S. comedian
I always have trouble remembering three things: faces, names, and--I can't remember what the third thing is.--Fred Allen (1894--1956), U.S. comedian
I've a grand memory for forgetting.--Robert Louis Stevenson (1854--1894), English author
Lord Dudley was one of the most absent men I think I ever met in society. One day he met me in the street, and invited me to meet myself. 'Dine with me today; dine with me and I will get Sydney Smith to meet you.' I admitted the temptation he held out to me, but said I was engaged to meet him elsewhere.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), English clergyman/writer
Memory is a crazy woman that hoards colored rags and throws away food.--Austin O'Malley (1858--1932), physician/humorist

MEN (see also HUMANITY IN GENERAL)
A man is so in the way in the house.--Elizabeth Gaskell (1810--1865), English novelist
A man who won't lie to a woman has very little consideration for her feelings.--Olin Miller
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.--Flo Kennedy (1916--2000), political activist
All men are forced into one of two categories; those with eleven fingers and those without.--Ned Rorem (1923--), U.S. composer
All men kill the thing they hate, too, unless, of course, it kills them first.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Beauty, like male ballet dancers, makes some men afraid.--Mordecai Richler (1931--), Canadian writer
Behind every successful man stands a proud wife and a surprised mother-in-law.--Brooks Hayes, U.S. Congressman
Beware of the man who praises women's liberation; he is about to quit his job.--Erica Jong (1942-- ), U.S. poet/novelist
Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women.--Nicole Hollander, (1929--), U.S. cartoonist, "Silvia"
Don't accept rides from strange men--and remember that all men are as strange as hell.--Robin Morgan, U.S. poet/journalist
Every man loves the smell of his own farts.--Icelandic proverb
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.--Zenna Schaffer
Giving a man space is like giving a dog a computer: the chances are he will not use it wisely.--Bette-Jane Raphael
God created man because he was so disappointed in the monkey.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.--Robin Williams, (1952--), U.S. actor
God invented man and I can do better than that.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), 1982
Growing up white and male in this society is like swimming in a salt lake--no matter how rotten you are, it's impossible to sink to the bottom.--Sheila Tobias, U.S. writer, science consultant
He took misfortune like a man--blamed it on his wife.--Brigid De Vine
However we brave it out, we men are a little breed.--Alfred Lord Tennyson (1809--1892), "Maud," line 131
I believe the best definition of man is the ungrateful biped.--Feodor Dostoevski (1821--1881), Russian novelist
I like men to behave like men. I like them strong and childish.--Francoise Sagan (1935--), French novelist
I like two kinds of men: domestic and foreign.--Mae West (1892--1980), U.S. actress
I never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.--Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood actress
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?--Zsa Zsa Gabor, Hollywood actress
If it weren't for women, men would still be wearing last week's socks.--Cynthia Nelms (1942--1995), US musician, singer
If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.--Mary Wilson Little, U.S. writer
If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?--Linda Ellerbee, U.S. journalist/TV anchor
If men liked shopping, they'd call it research.--Cynthia Nelms (1942-1995), US musician, singer
If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.--Rita Mae Brown (1944--), U.S. novelist
It is easier for a man to be loyal to his club than to his planet; the by-laws are shorter, and he is personally acquainted with the other members.--E.B. White (1899-- 1985), English writer
Look, we're all the same; a man is a fourteen-room house--in the bedroom he's asleep with his intelligent wife, in the living-room he's rolling around with some bareass girl, in the library he's paying his taxes, in the yard he's raising tomatoes, and in the cellar he's making a bomb to blow it all up. --Arthur Miller, (1915--), U.S. playwright
Macho does not prove mucho.--Zsa Zsa Gabor (ca. 1918--), Hollywood actress
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.--Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
Man is nature's sole mistake.--Alexander Pope (1688--1744), English poet
Man is nature's sole mistake.--William S. Gilbert (1836--1911), Princess Ida
Man is ready to die for an idea, provided that idea is not quite clear to him.--Paul Eldridge
Man is the only animal that blushes. Or needs to.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Man is the second strongest sex in the world.--Philip Barry (1896--1949), U.S. playwright
Man puts woman on a pedestal so he won't have to look her in the eye.--Marian Stewart
Man was created a little lower than the angels, and has been getting a little lower ever since.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
Man--a creature made at the end of the week's work when God was tired.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Men and melons are hard to know.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard, September 1733
Men are like computers. I don't understand them. I just use them for my amusement.--Holly Waits
Men are like steel. When they lose their temper, they lose their worth.--Chuck Norris, (1940--), U.S. actor
Men are very queer animals--a mixture of horse-nervousness, ass-stubbornness, and camel-malice.--Thomas Henry Huxley (1825--1895), English scientist
Men build bridges and throw railroads across deserts, and yet they contend successfully that the job of sewing on a button is beyond them.--Heywood Broun, Collected Edition of Heywood Broun, (1888-1939), U.S. journalist
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code...he turned himself in.--Rita Rudner, American comedienne
Men hate to be misunderstood, and to be understood makes them furious.--Edgar Saltus (1855-1921), U.S. novelist
Men have more problems than women. In the first place, they have to put up with women.--Francoise Sagan (1935--), French novelist
Men love putting women on a pedestal because it's so much more satisfying when they knock them off.--Clare Booth Luce (1903-1987), U.S. politician
Mirrors and copulation are abominable because they increase the number of men.--Jorge Luis Borges, (1899--1986), Argentinian author
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.--Tim Allen, (1953--), American comedian
No man is ever old enough to know better.--Holbrook Jackson, Ladies' Home Journal (January, 1950)
Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit.--Maureen Murphy
Talking with a man is like trying to saddle a cow. You work like hell, but what's the point.--Gladys Upham
The main difference between men and women is that men are lunatics and women are idiots.--Rebecca West (1892-1983) Irish author
The fastest way to a man's heart is through his chest.--Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
The first time Adam had a chance, he laid the blame on women.--Lady Nancy Astor (1879--1964), English politician
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.--Jilly Cooper (1942--), Cosmopolitan, 1972
The more I see of men, the more I like dogs.--Madame de Stael (1766-1817), French woman of letters
The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.--Margo Kaufman, U.S. writer
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby.--Natalie Wood, (1938--1981), U.S. actress
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.--Elayne Boosler, U.S. comedienne
Women and small men are hard to handle.--Japanese proverb
Women want mediocre men, and men are working hard to be as mediocre as possible.--Margaret Mead, (1901--1978), U.S. anthropologist, in Quote, May 15, 1958
You know, sometimes a man just can't satisfy all of a woman's desires. Which is why God invented dental floss.--Susanne Kollrack

MENTAL ILLNESS
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the man who lives in it. And a psychiatrist is the man who collects the rent.--Lord Webb-Johnson, Look, October 4, 1955
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.--attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (1884--1974), U.S. film maker
Everything good in the world comes from neurotics. They alone have founded our religions and composed our masterpieces.--Marcel Proust (1871--1922), French author
I do not have a psychiatrist and I do not want one, for the simple reason that if he listened to me long enough, he might become disturbed.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.--Nora Ephron (1941-- ), U.S. screenwriter
One should only see a psychiatrist out of boredom.--Muriel Spark (1918--), Scottish author
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.--Rita Mae Brown (1944-- ), U.S. novelist
The only thing to know is how to use your neuroses.--Arthur Adamov (1908-1970), French dramatist
There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness.--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased that line.--Oscar Levant (1906-- ), TV personality in US
We are all born mad. Some remain so.--Samuel Beckett (1906--1989), Irish playwright

MISCELLANEOUS
Miscellaneous is always the largest category.--Joel Rosenberg, The Warrior Lives, SF novelist

MISTAKES
(see also PROBLEM-SOLVING)
I don't want to make the wrong mistake.--Yogi Berra (1925--), U.S. baseball player
I never made a mistake in my life; at least, never one that I couldn't explain away afterward.--Rudyard Kipling (1865--1936), English author
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.--John Peel
If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.--John Kenneth Galbraith, (1908--), U.S. economist
If you can't make a mistake, you can't make anything.--Marva Collins, U.S. teacher
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.--Martin Vanbee

MODERATION
Everything in moderation--including moderation.--Harvey Steiman, U.S. editor of Wine Spectator
Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish playwright

MONEY
A feast is made for laughter/And wine maketh merry/But money answereth all things.--Ecclesiastes 10:19
A man can live well enough even in a palace.--Marcus Aurelius (121--180), Roman philosopher/Emperor
A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.--John Jacob Astor II
A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.--Yogi Berra, U.S. baseball player
Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two things we have.--Will Rogers, The Best of Will Rogers, compiled by Bryan B. Sterling
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing--and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.--Will Rogers, The Best of Will Rogers, compiled by Bryan B. Sterling
Get what you can and keep what you have. That's the way to get rich.--Scots proverb
God help the poor, for the rich can help themselves.--Scots proverb
I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.--Jules Renard (1864--1910), French author
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.--Jackie Mason (1930--), U.S. comedian
I just need enough to tide me over until I need more.--Bill Hoest, (1926--1988), U.S. cartoonist
I think every young man should have a hobby. Learning to handle money is the best hobby.--Jack Hurley
If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.--J. Paul Getty (1892--1976), U.S. industrialist
If you have no money, be polite.--Danish proverb
If you'd know the value of money, go and borrow some.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (April 1754)
If you pay peanuts, you get monkeys.--Sir James Goldsmith, (--1997), corporate raider
It isn't necessary to be rich and famous to be happy. It's only necessary to be rich.--Alan Alda, US actor
It's not a sin to be rich--it's a miracle.--W. F. Dettle
Make money, money, honestly if you can; if not, by any means at all, make money.--Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 65BC--8BC, Roman satirist
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
Money often costs too much.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research staff to study the problem.--Bill Vaughan (1915-1977)
Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund.--F. J. Raymond
Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust.--Oliver Wendell Holmes
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.--Rita Rudner, U.S. comedienne
That money talks/I'll not deny,/I heard it once;/It said, "Goodbye."--Richard Armour (1906-1989), U.S. poet/humorist
The lack of money is the root of all evil. ï¿½ Mark Twain
The most popular labor saving device is still money.--Phyllis George, U.S. actress/sportscaster
The rich are different from you and me because they have more credit.--John Leonard, U.S. journalist
There is a very easy way to return from a casino with a small fortune: go there with a large one.--Jack Yelton
There is no economy in going to bed early to save candles if the results be twins.--Chinese proverb
There was a time when a fool and his money were soon parted, but now it happens to everybody.--Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965), U.S. politician
Try to save money. Someday it may be valuable again.- -Anonymous
Wealth maketh many friends.--Bible
We at Chrysler borrow money the old-fasioned way. We pay it back.--Lee Iacocca (1924--), U.S. businessman
When a fellow says, 'It ain't the money but the principle of the thing,' it's the money.--Frank McKinney "Kin" Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
When I was young I used to think that wealth and power would bring me happiness. I was right.--Gahan Wilson, (1930--), U.S. artist & writer
When you are young you think money is the most important thing in life. When you are old, you know it.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author

MOTHERS
A mother who is really a mother is never free.--Honore de Balzac (1799-1850)
Behind every successful man is surprised mother-in-law.--Hubert Humphrey (1911-1978), U.S. Vice President
Do not join encounter groups. If you enjoy being made to feel inadequate, call your mother.--Liz Smith, U.S. gossip columnist
However much you dislike your mother-in-law, you must not set fire to her.--Ernest Wilde, recorder of London, 1905
I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.--W.C. Fields (1880-1946), U.S. comedian
If evolution really works, how come mothers still have only two hands?--Ed Dussault, Reader's Digest (December 1976)
Mother always said that honesty was the best policy, and money isn't everything. She was wrong about other things, too.--Gerald Barzan
Nobody can misunderstand a boy like his own mother.--Norman Douglas (1868--1952), British writer/diplomat
The best thing that could happen to motherhood already has. Fewer women are going into it.--Victoria Billinger (1945-- ) , U.S. journalist
The phrase "working mother" is redundant.--Jane Sellman, U.S. writer

MUSIC
Brass bands are all very well in their place--outdoors and several miles away.--Sir Thomas Beecham, (1879--1961), conductor of Royal Philharmonic
Going to the opera, like getting drunk, is a sin that carries its own punishment with it, and that a very severe one.--Hannah More (1745--1833),English religious writer
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.--Giacacchino Rossini (1792-1868), Italian opera composer
I don't mind what language an opera is sung in so long as it is the language I don't understand.--Edward Appleton (1892--1965), English physicist
I hate music, especially when it's played.--Jimmy Durante (1893--1980), U.S. musician/comedian
I love Wagner, but the music I prefer is that of a cat hung up by its tail outside a window and trying to stick to the panes of glass with its claws.--Charles Baudelaire (1821--1867), French poet
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else.--Lily Tomlin, U.S. comedienne/actress
If anyone has conducted a Beethoven performance, and then doesn't have to go to an osteopath, then there's something wrong.--Simon Rattle 1955--), English conductor
If you feel like singing along--don't.--James Taylor, American singer
Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.--Frank Zappa (1941--1993), U.S. musician
Music helps not the toothache.--George Herbert (1593--1633), English poet, in "Jarula Pruchentum"
Music is the brandy of the damned.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish author
No good opera plot can be sensible, for people do not sing when they are feeling sensible.--W.H. Auden, Time (December 29, 1061)
Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of bleeding, he sings.--Ed Gardner
Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera.--James Stephens (1882-1950), Irish poet
The English may not like music, but they absolutely love the noise it makes.--Sir Thomas Beecham (1879--1961), conductor of Royal Philharmonic, New York Herald Tribune (March 19, 1961)
The public doesn't want new music; the main thing it demands of a composer is that he be dead.--Arthur Honegger (1892--1935), French composer
The sound of a harpsichord--two skeletons copulating on a tin roof in a thunderstorm.--Sir Thomas Beecham (1879--1961), conductor of Royal Philharmonic
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.--Bill Nye (1850--1896), U.S. humorist

OTHER SUBJECTS to conquer.

MARRIAGE (see also LOVE and SEX IN VARIOUS FORMS)

ME, CREATOR OF THIS WEB SITE

MEDICINE

MEMORY

MEN (see also HUMANITY IN GENERAL)

MENTAL ILLNESS

MISCELLANEOUS

MISTAKES

MODERATION

MONEY

MOTHERS

MUSIC