Aphorisms, Quotations, & Wisecracks--N, O, and P

NATURE

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
Nature never makes any blunders; when she makes a fool she means it.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can.--Charles Darwin (1809--1882), English scientist

NEATNESS COUNTS
An organized person is one who is too lazy to look for things.--JoAnn Thomas, Door Co. Wisconsin Advocate
One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly making exciting discoveries.--A.A. Milne (1882--1956), English author
Properly organized, even crime pays.--Jim Fisk and Robert Barron

OBSERVATIONS (or Not-So-Great Truths)
A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit.--In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents for postage, and 30 cents for storage.--Gerald Regan (1928--), Cabinet Minister, 12/31/1983 Financial Post
Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.--Jason Hutchison
Every town has the same two malls: the one white people go to and the one white people used to go to.--Chris Rock (1966--), U.S. comedian/actor
Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.--Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
How holy people look when they are seasick!--Samuel Butler
If a circus is half as good as it smells, it's a great show.--Fred Allen (1894--1956), U.S. humorist
If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it.--Linda Furney, U.S. politician
If it weren't for electricity, we'd all be watching television by candlelight.--George Gobel, (1919--1991), U.S. comedian
If people looked like their passport photos, very few nations would let them in.--Doug Larson
In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.--Jan L.A. van de Snepscheut (--1994), U.S. computer scientist/professor
Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories--those that don't work, those that break down, and those that get lost.--Russell Baker (1925-- ), U.S. columnist
It is unclear from historical documentation which war the Salvation Army fought, but it is apparent from their spoils that they won.--Dan Levin, Entry-Level Life, 1994
Just remember, my little cabbage, if there weren't any closets, there wouldn't be any hooks, and if there weren't any hooks, there wouldn't be any fish, which would suit me fine.--Groucho Marx (1890-1977), U.S. comedian
Keep staring at the stars and someday they will collapse.--James J. Montgomery
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.--Stanislaw Lec, (1909-1966), Polish writer
Nothing travels faster than light, with the possible exception of bad news, which follows its own rules.--Douglas Adams, Mostly Harmless
Only vegetables are happy.--William Faulkner, U.S. novelist, (1897-1962)
Privacy--you can't find it anywhere, not even if you want to hang yourself.--Menander (342--291 B.C.)
Sits he on never so high a throne, a man still sits on his bottom.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
The graveyards are full of people the world could not do without.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. publisher
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.--Bill Watterson, U.S. cartoonist, "Calvin and Hobbes"
The wrong way always seems the more reasonable.--George Moore (1852--1933), Irish author
There are always two sides to a prediction.--Gypsy proverb
There's only one me, and I'm stuck with him.--Robert L. Stanfield, Canadian politician
We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them.--Abigail Adams (1744-1818)in letter to John Adams, future US president, 1774
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.--Eric Hoffer (1902-1983), U.S. union leader
When the Czar has a cold, all Russia laughs.--Russian proverb
You don't have to be faster than the lion, you only have to be faster than the slowest guy.--Zimbabwe saying
Your Zip Code contains a hidden meaning. You will probably never discover it.--Marvin Kitman, U.S. TV critic, Coward's Almanac

OPINIONS
A prejudice is a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.--Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), The Devil's Dictionary
I have opinions of my own--strong opinions--but I don't always agree with them.--George Bush, (1924--), U.S. President
If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse. You may be dead.--Gelett Burgess (1866--1951), poet
It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them.--Alfred Adler (1870-1937), psychologist
Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind than not having any opinion at all.--Georg C. Lictenberg (1742--1799), German writer, Aphorisms
We are so vain that we even care for the opinion of those we don't care for.--Maria von Ebner-Eschenbach (1830--1916), German writer, Aphorisms, 1880
You've no idea what a poor opinion I have of myself, and how little I deserve it.--William S. Gilbert (1836--1911), English dramatist/poet

OPTIMISM AND PESSIMISM
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is a man who hopes they are.--Chauncey Depew (1834--1928), U.S. politician
A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), The Note-Book, 1927
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.--Don Marquis, (1878--1937), U.S. poet and humorist
A pessimist is one who builds dungeons in the air.--Walter Winchell (1897--1972), U.S. gossip columnist
A pessimist is someone who, if he is in the bath, will not get out to answer the phone.--Quentin Crisp, The Naked Civil Servant, 1968
As one door closes, another slams in your face.--Rachel Heyhoe Flint (1937-- ), English cricket player
Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to our society. The optimist invents the airplane and the pessimist the parachute.--G.B. Stern, British novelist
Cheer up! The worst is yet to come!--Philander Chase Johnson (1866--1939), U.S. journalist
Every cloud/has its silver/lining but it is/sometimes a little/difficult to get it to/the mint.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. poet and humorist
Happiness is the interval between periods of unhappiness.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. poet/humorist
I am not fond of expecting catastrophes, but there are cracks in the universe.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), English clergyman/writer
Idealists maintain that all nations should share the atomic bomb. Pessimists maintain that they will.--Punch, British magazine
If at the end your cheerfulness is not justified, at any rate you will have been cheerful.--H.G. Wells (1866--1946), English author
If you pray for rain, don't be surprised if you're struck by lightning.--Damien Cannon, British movie critic
I'm a hopeful cynic.--Tracy Chapman (1964--), U.S. singer
In the fight between you and the world, back the world.--Franz Kafka (1884--1924), German novelist
In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.--Daniel L. Reardon
It's hardly in a body's pow'r,/To keep, at times, frae being sour.--Robert Burns (1759--1796), Scots poet, "Epistle to Davie"
My pessimism goes to the point of suspecting the sincerity of pessimists.--Edmund Rostand (1868--1918), French poet playwright
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
Oh! the good old days when I was so unhappy!--Sophie Arnould, French soprano
One must have the courage of one's pessimism.--Ian McEwan (1948--), British novelist
Pessimism is only the name that men of weak nerves give to wisdom.--Bernard De Voto (1897--1956), Mark Twain: The Ink of History
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.--W.C. Fields (1880-1946), U.S. actor
The basis for optimism is sheer terror.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
The handwriting on the wall may be a forgery.--Ralph Hodgson (1871--1962), British poet
The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true.--James Branch Cabell (1879--1958), The Silver Stallion
The pessimist sees only the tunnel; the optimist sees the light at the end of the tunnel; the realist sees the tunnel and the light--and the next tunnel.--Sydney J. Harris
The place where optimism most flourishes is the lunatic asylum.--Havelock Ellis (1859--1939), The Dance of Life
There are moments when everything goes well; don't be frightened, it won't last.--Jules Renard (1864--1910), Journal, ca. 1900
Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. actress
Those who have drained the cup of joy in this world will have a hangover in the next.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet
To know all is not to forgive all. It is to despise everybody.--Quentin Crisp
What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error.--Raymond Aron, The Opium of the Intellectuals, 1957

PAPERWORK
Although I can accept talking scarecrows, lions and great wizards of emerald cities, I find it hard to believe there is no paperwork involved when your house lands on a witch.--Dave James
Did you ever have the measles, and if so, how many?--Artemus Ward (1834--1867), "The Census"
Each of Nature's organisms, when frightened or confused, reacts in a characteristic way: deer flee, blowfish swell up, and government emits pieces of paper.--Bill Stone, Yachting, 1979
Happiness is a very small desk and a very big wastebasket.-- Robert Orben (1927-- ), U.S. humorist, writer for Red Skelton and Jack Paar
We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.--Werner Von Braun, (1912--1977), Chicago Sun-Times (July 10, 1958)

PHILOSOPHY
A philosopher is a person who gives other people advice about troubles he hasn't had.--William R. Lewis in Lyndon, Washington Tribune
A philosopher is one who doubts.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution.--Robert Zend (1929-1985), Canadian poet
I got an A in philsophy because I proved that my professor didn't exist.--Judy Tenmuta in Comedy Writing Secrets by Melvin Helitzer
I've developed a new philosophy--I only dread one day at a time.--Charles M. Schulz, U.S. cartoonist, "Peanuts"
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. film-maker
If everybody contemplates the infinite instead of fixing the drains, many of us will die of cholera.--John Rich
There is nothing so absurd that some philosopher has not already said it.--Marcus Tullius Cicero (160-43 B.C.), Roman philosopher

POLICE
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run. -- Dennis Miller (1953-- ), U.S. comedian
If you don't have a policeman to stop traffic and let you walk across the street like you are somebody, how are you going to know you are somebody?--John C. White (1924- ), U.S. Democratic politician
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.--Bobcat Goldthwait (1962-- ), U.S. comedian
There is no human situation so miserable that it cannot be made worse by the presence of a policeman.--Brendan Behan (1923--1964), Irish writer
Though he might be more humble, There's no police like Holmes.--E. W. Hornung (1866--1921), British mystery writer

POLITICS
A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.--Caskie Stinnett, Out of the Red, 1960
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.--Texas Guinan (1878-1933), U.S. bartender
A society of sheep must in time beget a government of wolves.--Bertrand de Jouvenal (1903-1987), French political theorist
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.--O. Henry (William S. Porter, 1862--1910), U.S. short story writer
An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for his country.--Sir Henry Wotton (1568--1639), English poet
An elected official is one who gets 51 percent of the vote cast by 40 percent of the 60 percent of voters who registered.--Dan Bennett, U.S. columnist
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.--Robert Heinlein, (1907-1988), U.S. sci-fi writer
An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought.--Simon Cameron (1799--1889), U.S. politician
Any man under 30 who is not a liberal has no heart, and any man over 30 who is not a conservative has no brains.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965 ), English Prime Minister
Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.-- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
Artificial hearts are nothing new. Politicians have had them for years.--Mack McGinnis in Melvin Helitzer's book Comedy Writing Secrets
Ask not what you can do for your country, for they are liable to tell you.--Mark Steinback
Bad officials are elected by good citizens who do not vote.--George Jean Nathan, (1882?--1958), U.S. drama critic
Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.---Eugene McCarthy (1916--), U.S. senator from Minnesota, author
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.--Herbert Hoover, (1874--1964), U.S. President
Blessed is he who talks in circles, for he shall become a big wheel.—Frank Dane
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be President, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be Vice President.--Johnny Carson, (1925--2005), U.S. talk show host, "What Democracy Means to Me," 1991
Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto--usually a mop or a leaf blower.--Johnny Carson, (1925--2005), U.S. talk show host, "What Democracy Means to Me," 1991
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone have your way.--Daniele Vare, (1880-1956), Italian diplomat and author
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie!" till you can find a rock.--Wynn Catlin (or Will Rogers? Who is Wynn Catlin, anyway?)
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), U.S. humorist
Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it.--Lao-Tsze abt 590 BC, founder of Taoism
He who slings mud generally loses ground.--Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965) January 11, 1954
I am not a member of any organized party--I am a Democrat.--Will Rogers (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
I am not a politician, and my other habits are good.--Artemus Ward (1834--1867), "Fourth of July Oration"
I must follow them; I am their leader.--Andrew Bonar Law (1858--1923), Canadian politician
I take politics only medicinally, as a cure of occasional attacks of insomnia.--Kenneth Hare (1888--1962), British poet, author
I think it's about time we voted for senators with breasts. After all, we've been voting for boobs long enough.--Clarie Sargent, Arizona senatorial candidate
I wasn't born in a log cabin, but my family moved into one as soon as they could afford it.--Melville D. Landon (1839--1910), U.S. humorist
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.--Jay Leno (1950--), U.S. comic/talk show host
If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read "President Can't Swim"."--Lyndon B. Johnson, U.S. president
If the Republicans will stop telling lies about the Democrats, we will stop telling the truth about them.--Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965), U.S. politician
In America, any boy may become President and I suppose that's just the risk he takes.--Adlai Stevenson (1900-1965), U.S. political leader
In Ohio, some people went to the polls to reelect disgraced Congressman James Traficant, even though he?s currently in prison. Actually, when you think about it, jail isn't much different from Congress. Both of you serve a term, all expenses are paid by taxpayers, and you?re surrounded by fellow crooks.--Jay Leno, U.S. comedian/talk show host, November 2002
In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.--Napoleon Bonaparte (1769--1821)
In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man. If you want anything done, ask a woman.--Margaret Thatcher, British prime minister
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be thankful for. As for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.--H. L. Mencken, (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
It is fast approaching the point where I don't want to elect anyone stupid enough to want the job.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
My country, right or wrong, is like saying, 'My mother, drunk or sober.'--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), British author
Ninety eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hardworking, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then, we elected them.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.--Henry Kissinger (1923--), U.S. politician/Secretary of State
"No, I don't think, sir, I'm a civil servant."--The Fifth Elephant, Terry Pratchett (1948--), British fantasy/SF novelist
Now I know what a statesman is; he's a dead politician. We need more statesmen.--Bob Edwards, U.S. national public radio broadcaster
Oh Lord, grant that we may not despise our rulers; and grant, oh Lord, that they may not act so we can't help it.--Lyman Beecher (1775--1863), U.S. Congregational preacher
One-fifth of the people are against everything all the time.--Robert F. Kennedy (1925--1968), U.S. politician, "A Ruler of Men"
One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors.--Plato (428-347 B.C.), Greek philosopher
Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is a good thing. Fleas are interested in dogs.--P. J. O'Rourke (1947--), U.S. humorist
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.--John Quinton (1947--), U.S. actor/writer
Politics is a form of astrology--and money is its sign.--John Leonard, U.S. journalist, in Esquire, 1969
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.--Ronald J. Reagan (1911-- ), U.S. president
Politics makes strange post-masters.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Reader, suppose you were an idiot; and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
Republicans sleep in twin beds--some even in separate rooms. That is why there are more Democrats.--Will Stanton, Ladies Home Journal (November, 1962)
Sex and politics are a lot alike. You don't have to be good at them to enjoy them.--Barry Goldwater (1909-1998), U.S. politician
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised when others believe him.--General Charles de Gaulle, French political leader, Newsweek (October 1, 1962)
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965 ), English Prime Minister
The best thing about this group of candidates is that only one of them can win.--Will Rogers (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.--P. J. O'Rourke (1947--), U.S. humorist
The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb.--Russell Baker (1925--), Poor Russell's Almanac, 1972
The news of any politician's death should be listed under 'Public Improvements.'--Frank Dane
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.--Jay Leno (1950--), US comedian & television host
The supply of government exceeds the demand.--Lewis H. Lapham (1935--), U.S. essayist/editor
The trouble with Communism is the Communists, just as the trouble with Christianity is the Christians.-- H.L. Mencken (Life magazine, August 5, 1946)
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.--Henry Kissinger, NY Times Magazine, 1969, U.S. politician
There is but one way for a newspaperman to look at a politician, and that is down.--Frank H. Simonds (1878--1936), U.S. journalist
This is not to agree with Mark Twain's comment about Congress being a notorious criminal class. That is a bit harsh. We must assume they are all innocent--until they learn the ropes.--Mark Russell, Presenting Mark Russell, 1980
Those who expect to reap the blessings of freedom must undergo the fatigue of supporting it.--Thomas Paine (1737-1809), U.S. politician
Treaties are like roses and young girls. They last while they last.--General Charles de Gaulle, Time, July 12, 1963
Trying to make things work in government is sometimes like trying to sew a button on a custard pie.--Hyman G. Rickover, Reader's Digest (March 1983)
Under capitalism man exploits man; under socialism the reverse is true.-- Polish proverb
Vote for the man who promises least; he'll be the least disappointing.--Bernard Baruch (1870-1965), Presidential advisor, 1960
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.--Aesop(620-560 BC)
We may not imagine how our lives could be more frustrating and complex. But Congress can.--Cullen Hightower, American salesman and sales trainer, author of Cullen Hightower's Wit Kit
We must not look to government to solve our problems. Government is the problem.--Ronald Reagan (1911- ), U.S. President
We must remember that for every instance of the government's demonstrating the intelligence of a yam, there is also an instance of the government's rising to the level of a far more complex vegetable, such as the turnip.--Dave Barry, "Invasion of the Money Snatchers," Dave Barry Is NOT Making This Up, 1994
We need a President who's fluent in at least one language.--Buck Henry, U.S. actor
We'd all like to vote for the best man, but he's never a candidate.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
When they call the roll in the Senate, the senators do not know whether to answer 'present' or 'not guilty.'--Theodore Roosevelt (1858--1919), U.S. President

POVERTY
I've been rich and I've been poor; rich is better.--Sophie Tucker, (1884--1966), U.S. singer
Look at me. I worked my way up from nothing to state of extreme poverty.--Groucho Marx (1890-1977) in Monkey Business
One of the strangest things about life is that the poor, who need money the most, are the very ones that never have it.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. humorist
Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is confoundedly inconvenient.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), His Wit and Wisdom, 1900
Remember the poor--it costs nothing.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
Son, don't ever brag about poverty, and don't be ashamed of it. Just get rid of it as fast as you can.--Senator Fred R. Harris of Oklahoma
The naked man never mislays his wallet.--Japanese proverb
The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.--William De Kooning (1904-1997), artist
We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.--Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister

PROBLEM-SOLVING
For every problem, there is one solution which is simple, neat and wrong.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when you looked at it in the right way, did not become still more complicated.--Poul Anderson (1926--2001), U.S. SF author
If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.--Mo Udall (1922--1998), U.S. politician
It's not easy taking my problems one at a time when they refuse to get in line.--Ashleigh Brilliant: Brilliant Thoughts (copyright info: www.ashleighbrilliant.com)
Solutions are not the answer.--Richard M. Nixon (1913--1994), U.S. president
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.--Robert Bloch (1917--1994), U.S. horror writer
The real problem is what to do with the problem-solvers after the problems are solved.--Gay Talese (1932-- ), U.S. novelist
There is no human problem which could not be solved if people would simply do as I advise.- Gore Vidal (1925- ), U.S. author
Try to relax and enjoy the crisis.--Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer

PROCRASTINATION
Death is no excuse for procrastination.--Susan L. Williams, 2-13-88
If a thing's worth doing, it's worth doing late.--Frederick Oliver
My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, 'Just wait.' --Judy Tenuta, U.S. comedienne
Never put off til tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Never put off until tomorrow what can be avoided altogether.--Ann Landers, (1918-2002), U.S. advice columnist
Once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think little of robbing; and from robbing, he comes next to drinking and sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.--Thomas De Quincey (1785--1859), English essayist/critic, in "Murder Considered as One of the Fine Arts, an Essay"
Procrastination is something best put off until tomorrow.--Gerald Vaughan
These things are good in little measure and evil in large: yeast, salt and hesitation.--The Talmud

PROGRESS
Progress is the mother of problems.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), As I Was Saying
Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone one too long.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. light poet
The progress of the times...such that little children, who can neither walk nor talk, may be seen cursing their Maker!--Sir Boyle Roche, (1743--1807), Irish politician

PROSE
For more than 40 years I have been speaking prose without knowing.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
Prose is when all of the lines except the last one go on to the end of the page. Poetry is when some of them fall short of it.--Mathew Arnold (1822-1888), British poet (Ironically enough, some biographies describe his poetry as sometimes sounding too much like prose....)

PROVERBS--FRACTURED AND OTHERWISE

About Quotations and Such:
A proverb is a short sentence based on long experience.--Miguel de Saavedra Cervantes (1547--1616), Spanish author
All my best thoughts were stolen by the ancients.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883)
Everything has been said.--Jean de la Bruyere (1645--1696), "Des Ouvrages de l'Esprit"
I hate quotations. Tell me what you know.--Ralph Waldo Emerson, U.S. essayist, in Journals and Miscellaneous Notebooks, May 1849
I improve on misquotation.--Cary Grant (1904--1986), Hollywood actor
It is more trouble to make a maxim than it is to do right.--Mark Twain (1835-1910), Pudd'nhead Wilson's New Calendar
It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.--Aristotle (384-322 B.C.)
Never say anything remarkable. It is sure to be wrong.--Mark Rutherford (1831--1913), English novelist, Last Pages From a Journal , 1915
People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.--David H. Comins
Truth is shorter than fiction.--Irv Cohen, Reader's Digest (December 1984)
Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.--Samuel Palmer (1805--1880), English artist

Sayings and Distortions Thereof:
A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult.--Solomon Short (aka David Gerrold, U.S. sci-fi author)
A fool and his money are soon elected.--Will Rogers, (1879--1935), U.S. humorist
Boys don't make passes at female smartasses.--Letty Cottin Pogrebin (1939--), U.S. feminist journalist
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), British sci-fi author, Jingo
Burglars can't be choosers.--Craig Rice, (1908--1957), U.S. mystery writer
Charity begins at home.--Publius Terentius Afer, Andria (190--159 BC), Phoenician/Roman playwright
Cleanliness is almost as bad as godliness.--Samuel Butler
Don't put all your eggs in one bastard.--Dorothy Parker (1893--1967), U.S. author
Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.--John Ciardi (1916-1986), U.S. poet
Early to bed and early to rise, and you'll meet very few of our best people.--George Ade (1866--1944)
Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Give a man a fish and he has food for a day; teach him how to fish and you can get rid of him of the entire weekend.--Zenna Schaffer
Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.--Timothy Jones
Good swimmers are oftenest drowned.--Thomas Fuller, 1732
He that lieth down with dogs shall rise up with fleas.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (July, 1733)
He who hesitates is last.--Mae West (1892--1980), The Wit and Wisdom of Mae West, edited by Joseph Wintraub
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.--Bob Talbert, Detroit Free Press (6/1/70)
I have often depended on the blindness of strangers.--Adrienne E. Gusoff, U.S. humor/greeting card writer
I wept because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes.--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist
If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English writer
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.--Paul Beatty (1962--), U.S. poet
If at first you do succeed--try to hide your astonishment.--Harry F. Banks
If at first you don't recede--diet, diet again.--George Hart, Reader's Digest (May 1977)
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.--Newt Heilscher
If at first you don't succeed, you're running about average.--M. H. Alderson
If the shoe fits, ask for it in another color.--Beryl Pfizer, U.S. journalist
If the shoe fits, it's not on sale.--Angie Papadakis, U.S. author, lecturer, humorist, advertising executive, keynote speaker
If you build a better mousetrap, you will catch better mice.--George Gobel, (1919--1991), U.S. comedian
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.--George Carlin, (1937--), U.S. comedian
If you can't take the heat, don't tickle the dragon.--Scott Fahlman (1948--), Carnegie Mellon University scientist and inventor of the "smiley" icon
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. If you give a man a stick of TNT, there will be little unidentifiable fish parts all over the village.--Jack Handy (1949--), U.S. humorist
It ain't the heat; it's the humility.--Yogi Berra, (1925--), U.S. baseball player
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is lightly greased.--Kehlog Albran, The Profit (M. Cohen/S. Shackett)
It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it's been though a blender first.--Les Barker, English comic poet, in An Infinite Number of Occasional Tables
It is not whether you win or lose, but who gets the blame.--Blaine Nye (also attributed to Fran Lebowitz)
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.--Darrin Weinberg
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.--Steven Wright (1955--), U.S. comedian
It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth after they inherit it.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.--Anthony Burgess (1917-1993), English novelist
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.--Laurie Kuslansky
Let him that is without stone among you cast the first thing he can lay his hands on.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
Let the meek inherit the earth--they have it coming to them.--James Thurber (1894--), Life (March 14, 1960)
Life's a bitch and then they call you one.--Mary Frances Connolly
Love your neighbor; yet don't pull down your hedge.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (April 1754)
Man does not live by bread alone, but by additives and preservatives as well.--Lou Stoddard, Comedy Writing Secrets by Melvin Helitzer
Moderation in all things.--Publius Terentius Afer, Andria (190--159 BC), Roman playwright born in Phoenicia
Moderation is best in all things.--Theognis, 570[?]-490[?] BCE, Greek poet
Music hath the charm to soothe a savage beast, but I'd try a revolver first.--Josh Billings 1815-1885, U.S. humorist
My cup's been run over.--Mark T. Shirey
Never be a pioneer. It's the Early Christian that gets the fattest lion.--Saki (H. H. Munro) (1870--1916), short story writer
Never judge a book by its movie.--J. W. Eagan
Nobody knows the trouble I've seen--but I keep trying to tell them.--Mignon McLaughlin, Comedy Writing Secrets by Melvin Helitzer
Now is the time for all good men to come to.--Walt Kelly, U.S. cartoonist, "Pogo"
Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we drop a bunch of clothes hangers.--Margaret Brucker, Reader's Digest (April 1976)
Opportunity knocked. My doorman threw him out.--Adrienne Gusoff, U.S. greeting card writer
People who live in glass houses should pull down the blinds.--Oliver Herford (1863--1935), poet
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. comic poet
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.--John F. Lehman, Jr., Secretary of the Navy from 1981 to 1987
Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), British SF and fantasy author
The meek may inherit the earth, but not its mineral rights.--John Paul Getty (1892--1976), U.S. industrialist
The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.--Marty Feldman (1934--1982), British writer/actor
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), British fantasy and SF author
The pen may be stronger than the sword...but I'd rather have a sword in a dark alley.--Andrew Warnick
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.--Noelie Altito
THE TRUTH SHALL MAKE YE FRET.--The Truth, Terry Pratchett, British SF/fantasy novelist
There is no time like the pleasant.--Oliver Herford (1863--1935),U.S. poet
Time's fun when you're having flies.--Kermit the Frog, U.S. Muppet
To err is human, but it feels divine.--Mae West (1892--1980), Hollywood actress
To err is human--but you better have a better excuse than that.--Bill Dettle, Hutchinson Co. Texas Herald
To err is human, to purr, feline.--Robert Byrne, U.S. author
To err is human; to forgive, infrequent.--Franklin P. Adams, (1881--1960), U.S. humorist
Too many whiskers spoil the broth.--Frank Richards
Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse.--Thomas Szasz (1920--), The Second Sin
Two rights don't make a wrong, but three will get you back on the freeway.--James Wesley Jackson
We will burn that bridge when we come to it.--Nick Gorski
Whatever goes up must come down, but don't expect it to come down where you can find it.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
Where there's a will, there's a dead person.--Ronnie Shakes, U.S. comic
Where there's smoke, there's smoke.--Mark T. Shirey
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.--James Thurber, The Thurber Carnival, 1945
You only live once. But if you work it right, once is enough.--Fred Allen (1894--1956), U.S. comedian
{If you like twisted proverbs, there's a poem full of them ("Proverbs from Purgatory") in the "Literary" section of my poetry site.)

PUNCTUALITY
Even if a farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start.--Edgar Watson Howe (1853-1937), American journalist
I am a believer in punctuality though it makes me very lonely.--E. Verrall Lucas (1868--1938)
I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.--E. Verrall Lucas (1868--1938)
Punctuality is the virtue of the bored.--Evelyn Waugh (1903--1966), English novelist
The habitually punctual make all their mistakes right on time.--Laurence J. Peter (1919--1990), Canadian writer
The trouble with being punctual is that there's nobody there to appreciate it.--Franklin P. Jones (1853-1935), U.S. humorist

OTHER SUBJECTS to lead into battle against boredom and stupidity.

NATURE

NEATNESS COUNTS

OBSERVATIONS (or Not-So-Great Truths)

OPINIONS

OPTIMISM AND PESSIMISM

PAPERWORK

PHILOSOPHY

POLICE

POLITICS

POVERTY

PROBLEM-SOLVING

PROCRASTINATION

PROGRESS

PROSE

PROVERBS--FRACTURED AND OTHERWISE

About Quotations and Such:

Sayings and Distortions Thereof:

PUNCTUALITY