Aphorisms, Quotations, & Wisecracks--Some Q, R, & S

QUARRELS

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.--Oscar Wilde (1854--1900), Irish author
Arguments with furniture are rarely productive.--Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
He who lives without quarreling is a bachelor.--St. Jerome (340--420)
I always get the better when I argue alone.--Oliver Goldsmith, (1728--1774), Irish poet/playwright
I dislike arguments of any kind. They are always vulgar, and often convincing.--Oscar Wilde (1854--1900), Irish author
I hate him that my vices telleth me.--Geoffrey Chaucer (1340--1410), English author
I learned long ago never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.--Cyrus Ching (1876-1967), U.S. labor leader/industrialist
If I have said something to hurt a man once, I shall not get the better of this by saying many things to please him.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English author
If you can't answer a man's argument, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. publisher
If you want an audience, start a fight.--Gaelic proverb
It is not necessary to understand things in order to argue about them.--Caron de Beaumarchais (1732-1799), French dramatist
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about--Robert Benchley (1889--1945), U.S. humorist
Most quarrels are inevitable at the time; incredible afterward.--Edward Morgan Forster (1879-1970), British writer
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.--Phyllis Diller (1917--), U.S. comedienne
Nobody ever fergits where he buried a hatchet.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Nothing sways the stupid more than arguments they can't understand.--Cardinal de Retz (1613--1679), French politician
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.--Malachy McCourt (1931--), Irish actor/writer
Those who in quarrels interpose/Must often wipe a bloody nose.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (July 1740)
Wrongs are often forgiven, but contempt never is. Our pride remembers it for ever.--Philip Stanhope, Earl of Chesterfield (1694--1773), Letters, 1748

QUOTATIONS
(see "PROVERBS")

THE JOYS OF READING
A library makes me sick.--Friedrich Nietzche (1844-1900), Ecce Homo
All right, I will learn to read, but when I have learned, I never, never shall.--David Garnett (1892--1981), British novelist, to his mother when he was age 4
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), U.S. humorist
Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Books are the curse of the human race.--Benjamin Disraeli (1804--1881), British Prime Minister
Books had instant replay long before televised sports.--Bert Williams
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? --John Mendoza
I cannot live without books.--Thomas Jefferson (1743--1826), U.S. President
I don't know which is more discouraging, literature or chickens.-- E. B. White
I see no point in reading.--Louis XIV (1638--1715)
If you believe everything you read, better not read.--Japanese proverb
My foolish parents taught me to read and write.--Martial (43--104), Roman epigrammatic poet, Epigrams
People say that life is the thing, but I prefer reading.--Logan Pearsall Smith, (1865--1946), U.S. essayist/critic, Afterthoughts, 1931
There are seventy million books in American libraries, but the one you want is always out.--Tom Masson (1866--1934), writer
There be some men are born only to suck out the poison of books.--Ben Jonson (1573--1637), English playwright
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with great force.--Dorothy Parker (1893--1967), U.S. poet
This will never be a civilized country until we expend more money for books than we do for chewing gum.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. publisher/author

RELIGION
A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen.--Emily Lotney
A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if only He knew the facts of the case.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. humorist
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.--Spike Milligan, (1918--2002), English comedian
Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.--G. K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English author
Be aware that a halo has to fall only a few inches to be a noose.--Dan McKinnon
Born again?! No, I'm not. Excuse me for getting it right the first time.--Dennis Miller, (1953--), U.S. comedian
Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?--Jules Feiffer, U.S. cartoonist
Don't blame God--he's only human.--Leo Rosten (1908--1997), U.S. writer
Every evening I turn my worries over to God. He's going to be up all night anyway.--Mary C. Crowley (1915--), U.S. businesswoman
Few sinners are saved after the first 20 minutes of a sermon.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
God has Alzheimer'z Disease. He's forgotten we exist.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.--Voltaire (1694--1778), French author/philosopher
God is not as severe as he is said to be.--Irish proverb
God is not dead, he is merely unemployed.--Walt Kelly, "Pogo" comic strip
God is strong and he has a good mother.--Gaelic proverb
God made me on a morning when he had nothing else to do.--C. F. Lloyd
God often visits us, but most of the time we are not at home.--Joseph Roux, Meditations of a Parish Priest, 1886
God punishes us mildly by ignoring our prayers and severely by answering them.--Richard J. Needham, Canadian journalist
God seems to have left the receiver off the hook.--Arthur Koestler (1905--1983), British writer/critic
God will forgive me; that's his business.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet
Greater love hath no man than to attend the Episcopal Church with his wife.--Lyndon Baines Johnson, (1908--1973), U.S. President
Hell is full of dirty housewives.--Japanese proverb
He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), SF author, Small Gods
How many observe Christ's birthday! How few, his precepts! O! 'tis easier to keep holidays than commandments.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790)
I am determined my children shall be brought up in their father's religion, if they can find out what it is.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834), British poet
I am one of those cliff-hanging Catholics. I don't believe in God, but I do believe that Mary was his mother.--Martin Sheen (1940--), U.S. actor
I don't know if God exists, but it would be better for His reputation if He didn't.--Jules Renard (1864--1910), French author
I found that my ribbons and geegaws were dragging me down to Hell, so I took them off and gave them to my sister.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much.--Mother Teresa (1910--1997), Albanian-Indiana Catholic missionary
I once heard a lady describe the pleasure it gave her to think that she 'could always cuddle up to God.'"--William James (1842--1910), U.S. philosopher
I read the book of Job last night--I don't think God comes out well in it.--Virginia Woolf (1882--1941), British author
I sometimes think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
I think we should all treat each other like Christians. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.--George Carlin (1937--), U.S. comedian
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?--George Daacon
If a person wants to be atheistic it's his God-given right to be an atheist.--Michael Patton
If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?--George Deacon
If God lived on earth, people would break his windows.--Yiddish proverb
If God were suddenly condemned to live the life which he has inflicted on men, He would kill himself.--Alexandre Dumas fils (1824--1895), Pensees d'album
If I had been the Virgin Mary, I would have said 'No.'"--Stevie Smith (1902--1971), English poet
If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not crucify him. They would ask him to dinner, hear what he had to say, and make fun of it.--Thomas Carlyle (1795--1881), Scottish historian
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.--Woody Allen (1935--), Without Feathers
If triangles had a God, He'd have three sides.--Yiddish proverb
If you get gloomy, just take an hour off and sit and think how much better this world is than hell. Of course, it won't cheer you up much if you expect to go there.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. poet/humorist
If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia.--Thomas Szasz (1920--), U.S. psychotherapist, in The Second Sin
If you want to have a good day, take a shave; a good month, slay a pig; a good year, marry; but if you want all your days to be good, become a priest.--Spanish proverb
If you're not allowed to laugh in heaven, I don't want to go there.--Martin Luther (1483--1546), German religious reformer
I'm a Catholic and I can't commit suicide, but I plan to drink myself to death.--Jack Kerouac (1922-1969), U.S. writer
In heaven, an angel is nobody in particular.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), 1894, Irish author
In the beginning the world was without form, and void. And God said 'Let there be light'. And God separated the light from the dark. And did two loads of laundry.--Kevin Krisciunas, in rec.humor.funny
It is sad. One half of the world does not believe in God, and the other half does not believe in me.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), The Wit & Humor of Oscar Wilde, 1959, edited by Alvin Redman
It is the test of a good religion whether you can make a joke about it.--G. K. Chesterton (1876--1936), English writer
I've steered clear of God. He was an incredible sadist.--John Collier
Jesus was a Jew, yes, but only on his mother's side.--Archie Bunker, in an episode of TV show "All in the Family"
Man is certainly stark mad; he cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by dozens.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), Works, Book II, "Apology for Raimond Semond"
Many have quarreled about religion that never practiced it.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (June 1753)
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.--Jim Carrey, (1962--), American comic actor
Maybe there's no devil; it's just God when He's drunk.--Tom Waits (1949--), U.S. singer
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction--Blaise Pascal (1623--1662), French scientist
Men of sense are really all of one religion. But men of sense never tell what it is.--Anthony A. Cooper (1671- 1713), English philosopher
Men will wrangle for religion; write for it, fight for it; die for it; anything but live for it.--Charles Colton (1780--1832), English author/clergyman
Most people are bothered by those passages of Scripture they do not understand, but the passages that bother me most are those I do understand.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
My opinion is that there would never have been an infidel if there had never been a priest.--Thomas Jefferson (1743--1826), U.S. President
My theory, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed.--Christopher Morley (1890-1957), U.S. editor/writer
Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much..--G. K. Chesterton (1876--1936), English writer
Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
Oh, well, I have always said I would be converted to any religion for a cigar and baptized in it for a box of them.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Only God helps the badly dressed.--Spanish proverb
Prayer must never be answered: if it is, it ceases to be prayer and becomes correspondence.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting. It has been found difficult, and left untried.--G. K. Chesterton (1876--1936), English author
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.--Billy Graham, (1918--), U.S. evangelist
The trouble with being a god is that you've got no one to pray to.--Terry Pratchett, (1948--), SF author, Small Gods
There is no God, but Mary is His mother.--William James (1842--1910), U.S. philosopher
There is only one religion, though there are a hundred versions of it.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish author
There was never a saint with red hair.--Russian proverb
They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.--Emily Dickinson (1830--1886), U.S. poet
This doctrine of the material efficacy of prayer reduces the Creator to a cosmic bellhop of a not very bright or reliable kind.--Herbert J. Muller (1905--1980), U.S. historian
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one?? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to outsmart everybody?--Jon Stewart (1962--), U.S. comedian
We have just enough religion to make us hate, but not enough to make us love on another.--Jonathan Swift (1667--1745), Irish satirist
We love the Lord, of course, but we often wonder what he finds in us.--Ed Howe (1853--1937), U.S. journalist
What a man misses most in heaven in company.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean.--Christopher Fry, The Lady's Not For Burning, 1948
When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.--Ayn Rand, (1905--1982), Russian-American novelist
With soap, baptism is a good thing.--Robert G. Ingersoll (1833--1899), U.S. political speaker
You can pray to the head of a sardine if you believe in it enough.--Japanese proverb
You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do.--Anne Lamott, U.S. writer/speaker
You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.--Richard Jeni, comedian (April 14, 1957--March 10, 2007)

REVENGE
Forget living well. The best revenge is revenge.--William Hamilton
Revenge is often like biting the dog because the dog bit you.--Austin O'Malley, physician/humorist (1858--1932)
The best revenge is massive success.--Les Brown

SCOTS
I have been trying all my life to like Scotchmen, and am obliged to desist from the experiment in despair.--Charles Lamb (1775--1834), Essays of Elia
I like a Highland friend who will stand by me, not only when I am in the right, but when I am a little in the wrong.--Sir Walter Scott (1771-1832), Scottish novelist
If the Scotch knew enough to go in when it rained, they would never get any outdoor exercise.--Simeon Ford (1855--1933), My Trip to Scotland
In all my travels I never met with any one Scotchman but what was a man of sense. I believe everybody of that country that has any, leaves it as fast as they can.--Francis Lockier (1667--1740), British prelate, "Scotchmen"
It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.--Sydney Smith (1771-1845), English clergyman/writer
Much may be made of a Scotchman, if he be caught young.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English writer
The kilt is an unrivalled garment for fornication and diarrhoea.--John Masters, Bugles and A Tiger
The Scots invented golf--which could also explain why they invented Scotch.--James Dent, Charleston WVA Gazette
Trust yow no Skott.--Andrew Boord, letter to Thomas Cromwell, 1 April 1536
Scottish proverbs:
Never draw your dirk when a blow will do it.
Better bend than break.
Fools look to tomorrow; wise men use tonight.
It's a sad house where the hen crows louder than the cock.
The devil's boots don't creak.
Never let your feet run faster than your shoes.
Guile must wear clothes, but truth goes naked.

SEASONS
In June the air is full of advice. People are graduating and getting married and setting out on vacations, and it is the fate of these people to be battered with advice until they scream for mercy.--Russell Baker (1925--), New York Times (8 June 1965)
Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by central heating.--Jack Sharkey, Playboy, 1965
October. This is one of the peculiarly dangerous months to speculate in stocks. The others are July, January, September, April, November, May, March, December, August, and February.--Mark Twain 1835-1910), Pudd'nhead Wilson
The most serious charge which can be brought against New England is not Puritanism but February.--Joseph Wood Krutch (1893--1970), U.S. drama critic/biographer
The name "February" comes from the Latin word "Februarius," which means "fairly boring stretch of time during which one expects the professional ice-hockey season to come to an end but it does not."--Dave Barry, U.S. humorist, in Bad Habits
There seems to be so much more winter than we need this year.--Kathleen Norris (1880--1966), U.S. novelist, in Bread Into Roses, 1939.
Winter is not a season, it's an occupation.--Sinclair Lewis (1885--1951), U.S. novelist

SECRETS
About 95 percent of what's told you in confidence, you couldn't get anybody to listen to anyway.--Mark McGinnis, Reader's Digest (April 1976)
If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (August 1741)
It's a great kindness to trust people with a secret. They feel so important while telling it.--Robert Quillen
Three may keep a secret if two of them are dead.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), Poor Richard (July 1795)

SEX--IN SEVERAL FORMS
A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones.--Cher Bono (1946--), US singer
A man with an erection is in no need of advice.--Samuel Pepys (1663--1703), English diarist
Adam ate the apple, and our teeth still ache.--Hungarian proverb
After three days men grow weary of a wench, a guest, and rainy weather.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790)
An unattempted woman cannot boast of her chastity.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
An ounce of sequins can be worth a pound of home cooking--Marilyn Von Savant, U.S. columnist
As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax...you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients," but another kept reminding me, 'Howard, you are a veterinarian.'"--Dick Wilson
Bed is the perfect climate.--Noel Coward (1899-1973), English playright/actor
Bed is the poor man's opera.--Italian proverb
Better that a girl has beauty than brains because boys see better than they think.--Anonymous
Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
Ducking for apples--change one letter and it's the story of my life.--Dorothy Parker (1893--1967), U.S. poet/writer
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.--Jackie Mason (1930--), U.S. comedian
Eunuch: A man who has had his works cut out for him.--Robert Byrne, U.S. writer
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.--Ellyn Mustard
For the first time in history, sex is more dangerous than the cigarette afterward.--Jay Leno, (1950--) U.S. comic and talk show host
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand.--Benny Hill (1924--1992), English comedian
Give me chastity and self-restraint, but do not give it yet.--St. Augustine (354--430), religious philosopher
I don't see much of Alfred any more since he got so interested in sex.--Mrs. Alfred Kinsey (he wrote The Kinsey Report on sex in the USA)
I finally had an orgasm and my doctor told me it was the wrong kind.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
I learned about sex the hard way--from books!--Emo Philips, U.S. comedian
I once made love for an hour and fifteen minutes, but it was the night the clocks are set ahead.�Garry Shandling, comedian
I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.--attributed to J. Edgar Hoover, head of the USA's FBI
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.� Jay McInerney (1955--), U.S. novelist
I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth.--Chico Marx, U.S. comedian, to his wife after being caught with a chorine
I'd rather have two girls at seventeen than one at thirty-four.--Fred Allen (1894--1956)
I'd rather she'd used me for sex. Using me for my mind really bothered me.--Carl Jacobs
If you aren't going to go all the way, why go at all?--Joe Namath (1943--), US football quarterback
I'm a great lover, I'll bet.--Emo Phillips, U.S. comedian
I'm always looking for meaningful one-night stands.--Dudley Moore (1935--2002), English actor, 1982
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.--Woody Allen (1935--), Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex, 1972
It takes all sorts to make a sex.--Saki (H. H. Munro) (1870--1916), The Square Egg, 1924
It takes two bodies to make one seduction.--Guy Wemore Carryl, "Beer," The Mauve Decade
Kinky sex involves the use of duck feathers. Perverted sex involves the whole duck.--Lewis Grizzard (1947--1994), U.S. humorist
Lead us not into temptation. Just tell us where it is; we'll find it.--Sam Levenson (1911-1980), U.S. humorist
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
Men get laid, but women get screwed.--Quentin Crisp (1908--1999), English writer
Men like to pursue an elusive woman like a cake of wet soap--even men who hate baths.--Gelett Burgess (1866-1951), poet
My dear, I don't care what they do, so long as they don't do it in the street and scare the horses.--Beatrice Campbell (1865-1940) English actress
Nature abhors a virgin--a frozen asset.--Clare Boothe Luce (1903-1987), U.S. politician
None but the brave desert the fair.--Addizon Mizner (1872--1933), U.S. resort architect
Nothing beats making love. It's the most fun you can have without laughing.--Humphrey Bogart, (1899--1957), U.S. actor
Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.--Katherine Whitehorn (1926--), British writer
People who throw kisses are hopelessly lazy.--Bob Hope (1903--), U.S. comedian
Rare are those who prefer virtue to the pleasures of sex.--Confucius (551--478 B.C.), Chinese philosopher
Remember, if you can get along with one woman, you can get along with more.--Arthur "Bugs" Baer (1876-1969), U.S. humorist
Sex and politics are a lot alike. You don't have to be good at them to enjoy them.--Barry Goldwater (1909-1998), U.S. politician
Sex is a pleasurable exercise in plumbing, but be careful or you'll get yeast in your drain tap.--Rita Mae Brown (1944--), U.S. novelist
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.--Henry Miller (1891-1980), U.S. writer
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. filmmaker/comic
Shopping is better than sex. If you're not satisfied after shopping you can make an exchange for something you really like.--Adrienne Gusoff, U.S. humor/greeting card writer
There are times not to flirt. When you're sick. When you're with children. When you're on the witness stand.--Joyce Jillson, U.S. astrologer
Vice is its own reward.--Quentin Crisp (1908--1999), English writer
Virtue is its own punishment.--Aneurin Bevan (1897--1960), British politician,
We all worry about the population explosion, but we don't worry about it at the right time.--Arthur Hoppe (1925--2000), U.S. humorist/San Francisco columnist
We'll have a counseling session later on, and you can tell us how you first found out that you were a heterosexual.--Kaz Cooke, Australian writer/cartoonist
What they call 'heart' is located far lower than the fourth waistcoat button.--Georg G. Lichtenberg (1742--1799), German writer
When authorities warn you of the sinfulness of sex, there is an important lesson to be learned. Do not have sex with the authorities.--"Basic Sex Facts for Today's Youngfolk," Life In Hell, Matt Groening
When the candles are out, all women are fair.--Plutarch (46--120), Greek priest & writer, in "Conjugal Precepts"
When women go wrong, men go right after them.--Mae West (1892--1980), U.S. actress
Women need a reason to have sex--men just need a place.--Billy Crystal (1947--), U.S. comedian
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to get back inside.--Heathcote Williams (1941--), British author/actor
You know the worst thing about oral sex? The view.--Maureen Lipman (1946--), British actress
Battle of the Sexes
Men and women, women and men. It will never work.--Erica Jong (1942--), U.S. poet/novelist
Nobody will ever win the Battle of the Sexes. There's just too much fraternizing with the enemy.--Quentin Crisp (1908--1999), English writer
The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy.--Quentin Crisp (1908--1999), English writer
There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want different things. Men want women and women want men.--George Burns (1896-1996), U.S. comedian
Doing It Alone
A man by himself is in good hands.--Eric Hoffer (1902-1983), U.S. union leader
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.--Woody Allen (1935--), Annie Hall
If only it were as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to masturbate.--Diogenes the Cynic, 4th century B.C.
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.--Truman Capote, (1924-1984), U.S. writer
The only reason I feel guilty about masturbation is because I do it so badly.--David Steinberg, U.S. comedian, on the Tonight Show, 1972
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. actress

Doing It With Someone of Your Sex
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. comedian
Homosexuality is god's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.--Sam Austin
I'd rather be black than gay because when you're black you don't have to tell your mother.--Charles Pierce (1926--1999), U.S. female impressionist
If homosexuality were the normal way, God would have made Adam and Bruce.--Anita Bryant, Rolling Stone (14 July 1977)
If you enjoy being a girl but, in fact, are not, stay out of the ladies' room.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), interview, 1979
My lesbianism is an act of Christian charity. All those women out there are praying for a man, and I'm giving them my share.--Rita Mae Brown (b. 1944), U.S. author, playwright
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision.--Lynn Lavner, U.S. comedienne, pianist
When it comes to exploring the sea of love, I prefer buoys.--Andrew G. Dehel (1967--)

Incest
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.--George Kaufman, (1889--1961), U.S. playwright

Organized Sex
I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.--Steve Martin (1945--), U.S. comedian
No one was ever made wretched in a brothel.--Cyril Connolly (1903--1975), English critic/editor
Too many cooks spoil the brothel.--Polly Adler (1900-1962), U.S. madam

Rape
Speaking of rapists, even the most diehard feminist must admit that's one thing men do better than women.--Gabrielle Burton speech given October 29, 1976, printed in Pulling Our Own Strings, Gloria Kaufman and Mary Kay Blakely)

Safe Sex
Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.--Spike Milligan (1918--2002), English comedian
For birth control, I rely on my personality.--Milt Abel, U.S. comedian
Of course I believe in safe sex--I've got a handrail around the bed.--Ken Dodd, British comedian
There is nothing safe about sex. There never will be.--Norman Mailer (1923--), U.S. writer, (1992)
Vasectomy means not ever having to say you are sorry.--Larry Adler

SILENCE IS GOLDEN (or, SHUT-UP!)
Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.--Abraham Lincoln (1809--1865), U.S. President
I believe in the discipline of silence and could talk for hours about it.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish author
I do not like noise, unless I make it myself.--French proverb
Remember, a closed mouth gathers no foot.--Steve Post
Sticks and stones are hard on bones/Aimed with angry art,/Words can sting like anything/But silence breaks the heart.--Phyllis McGinley (1905-1978), The Love Letters of Phyllis McGinley, 1954

SLEEP
Go to bed. Whatever you're staying up late for isn't worth it.--Andy Rooney (1919--), U.S. broadcaster
He who is known as an early riser can stay in until noon.--Yiddish proverb
I used to wake up at 4 AM and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours. I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion that it must be an allergy to consciousness.--James Thurber (1894--), Life (March 14, 1960)
I'll never die in my sleep. I don't sleep that well.--Don Herold (1889--1966), U.S. humorist
Insomniacs don't sleep because they worry about it, and they worry about it because they don't sleep.--Franklin P. Adams (1881--1960), U.S. humorist
No civilized person ever goes to bed the same day he gets up.--Richard Harding Davis (1864--1916), war correspondent & author
People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one.--Leo J. Burke
The amount of sleep required by the average person is about five minutes more.--Max Kauffman, U.S. humorist
The horror of getting up is unparalleled, and I am filled with amazement every morning when I find that I have done it.--Lytton Strachey (1880--1932), English biographer/critic
The day will happen whether or not you get up.--John Ciardi (1916-1986), U.S. poet
There ought to be a better way of starting the day than having to get up.--Earl Wilson, U.S. columnist, New York
There will be sleeping enough in the grave.--Irish proverb
Whoever thinks of going to bed before twelve o'clock is a scoundrel.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English writer

SMOKING
A custom loathsome to the eye, hateful to the nose, harmful to the brain, dangerous to the lungs, and in the black, stinking fume thereof, nearest resembling the horrible Stygian smoke of the pit that is bottomless.--King James I(1566-1625) King of Great Britain, in "A Counterblast to Tobacco "
And a woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.--Rudyard Kipling (1865--1936), "The Betrothed"
Cigarettes are as American as emphysema and apple pie.--Mark Russell, Presenting Mark Russell, 1980
I believe in cigarettes. I think we're overpopulated.--Christopher Buckley (1952--), U.S. writer, in "Thank You For Smoking"
I had my first woman and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. I have never had time for tobacco since.--Arturo Toscanini (1867--1957), Italian conductor
I have made it a rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter.--Steven Pearl, U.S. film-maker
It has always been my rule never to smoke more than one cigar at a time.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It has always been my rule never to smoke when asleep, and never to refrain when awake.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It is now proven, beyond a doubt, that smoking is a leading cause of statistics.--Fletcher Knebel, (1903--), U.S.historian/novelist
It was a non-smoker who committed the first sin and brought death into the world and all our woe.--Robert Lynd, U.S. sociologist
More than one cigar at a time is excessive smoking.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Much smoking kills live men and cures dead swine.--George D. Prentice (1802--1870), U.S. lawyer/journalist
Sure, I've smoked marijuana--many of us going through midlife crisis have. My problem is that I have to be reminded to pass it around.--Mark Russell, Presenting Mark Russell, 1980
Thank heaven, I have given up smoking again!...God! I feel fit. Homicidal, but fit. A different man. Irritable, moody, depressed, rude, nervy, perhaps; but the lungs are fine.--A. P. Herbert (1890--1971), English politician/writer
They threaten me with lung cancer, and still I smoke and smoke. If they'd only threaten me with hard work, I might stop.--Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966
To cease smoking is the easiest thing I ever did; I ought to know because I've done it a thousand times.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Tobacco is the only excuse for Columbus's misadventure of discovering America.--Sigmund Freud (1856-1939, psychoanalyst

SPORTS
A sportsman is a man who, every now and then, simply has to get out and kill something. Not that he's cruel. He wouldn't hurt a fly. It's not big enough.--Stephen Leacock (1869--1944), Canadian humorist
All men are equal before fish.--Herbert Hoover (1874--1964), U.S. President, in 1951
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
Athletics have become professionalized.--Socrates (469--399 B.C.), Greek philosopher/teacher
As I understand it, sport is hard work for which you do not get paid.--Irvin S. Cobb (1876--1944), U.S. humorist
Baseball is a fun game. It beats working for a living.--Phil Linz (1939--), U.S. baseball player
Football combines the two worst features of American life: violence and committee meetings.--George Will (1941--), U.S. conservative columnist
Football isn't a matter of life or death; it's much more important than that.--Bill Shankly (1913--1981), U.S. football manager
Games are the last resort of those who do not know how to socialize.--Robert S. Lynd, U.S. sociologist
Golf is a good walk spoiled.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at them.--Jimmy Demaret (1910--), U.S. golfer
Good shot, bad luck and hell are the five basic words to be used in tennis, though these, of course, can be slightly amplified.--Virginia Graham (1912--1998), U.S. talk show host
I don't want to play golf. When I hit a ball, I want someone else to go chase it.--Rogers Hornsby, (1896--1963), U.S. baseball player
I hate all sports as rabidly as person who likes sports hates common sense.--Henry L. Mencken (1880-1956), U.S. journalist
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.--Gerald Ford, (1913--), U.S. President
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.--G. K. Chesterton (1876--1936), English writer
I should of stood in bed.--Joe Jacobs, (1899--1940), U.S. boxing manager, about attending the U.S. baseball World Series in 1935
If people don't want to come out to the ballpark, how are you going to stop them?--Yogi Berra, (1925--), U.S. baseball player
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.--Bob Hope, Reader's Digest (October 1958)
I'll bet the hardest thing about prize fightin' is pickin' up yer teeth with a boxin' glove on.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.--Joe Theismann, (1949--), U.S. football player/commentator
One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.--Don Carter (1926--), U.S. pro bowler
Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors.--Frank Gifford (1930--), U.S. football player, Sports Illustrated (4 July 1960)
Sports begets tumultuous strife and wrath, and wrath begets fierce quarrels and war to the death.--Horace (65--8 B.C.), Roman satirist
The only polite thing to do when engaged in sky diving, hang gliding, ice climbing, or any other dangerous sport is to die. That's what everyone's waiting around for.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners, 1989
The only athletic sport I ever mastered was backgammon.--Douglas William Jerrold (1803--1857), British playwright/journalist
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.--Phyllis Diller (1917--, U.S. comedienne
There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it.--Oliver Herford (1863--1935),U.S. poet
This is the second most exciting indoor sport, and the other one shouldn't have spectators.--Dick Vertlieb, U.S. manager of Seattle Mariners, on basketball
Wild animals never kill for sport. Man is the only one to whom the torture and death of his fellow creatures is amusing in itself.--James A. Froude (1818-1894), English historian

SUCCESS, AND HOW TO ACHIEVE IT
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence, and then success is sure.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
How can you say my life is not a success? Have I not for more than sixty years got enough to eat and escaped being eaten?--Logan Pearsall Smith (1865--1946), Last Words, 1933
If at first you don't succeed, you're fired!--Jean Graman
If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y plus Z. X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut.--Albert Einstein (1879--1955), scientist
If you aren't fired with enthusiasm, you will be fired with enthusiasm.--Vince Lombardi (1913--1970), U.S. football coach
Nothing makes a man so cross as success.--Anthony Trollope (1815-1882), English novelist
Nothing recedes like success.--Walter Winchell (1897--1972), U.S. gossip columnist
Nothing succeeds like address.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Metropolitan Life, 1978
Results! Why, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work.--Thomas Alva Edison (1847--1931), U.S. inventor
Success has killed more men than bullets.--Texas Guinan (1878--1933), U.S. bartender
The dictionary is the only place where success comes before work.--Arthur Brisbane, U.S. journalist
There is no substitute for excellence. Not even success.--Thomas Boswell, U.S. columnist, Washington Post (1987)
There is nothing that fails like success.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English author
To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.--Voltaire (1694-1778), French author/philosopher
Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.--Chessmaster Savielly Grigorievitch Tartakower (1887-1956)
We are both great men, but I have succeeded better in keeping it a profound secret than he has.--Bill Nye (1850--1896), U.S. humorist
When I joined the military it was illegal to be homosexual, then it became optional. I'm getting out before it becomes mandatory.--MSGT Harry T. Serres, USAF
When you soar like an eagle, you attract the hunters.--Milton S. Gould, U.S. attorney
Win any way you can as long as you can get away with it. Nice guys finish last.--Vince Lombardi (1913--1970), U.S. football coach

SURPRISES
I love surprises--as long as I'm ready for them.--Beth S. Lenhart, Reader's Digest (July 1976)
It is always nice to be expected and not to arrive.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish writer
SWEDEN
Swedes are fake Norwegians.--Greg d'Alessio

Subject yourself to the list of OTHER SUBJECTS to look up.

QUARRELS

QUOTATIONS

THE JOYS OF READING

RELIGION

REVENGE

SCOTS

Scottish proverbs:

SEASONS

SECRETS

SEX--IN SEVERAL FORMS

Battle of the Sexes

Doing It Alone

Doing It With Someone of Your Sex

Incest

Organized Sex

Rape

Safe Sex

SILENCE IS GOLDEN (or, SHUT-UP!)

SLEEP

SMOKING

SPORTS

SUCCESS, AND HOW TO ACHIEVE IT

SURPRISES

SWEDEN