Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It is easy to assume a habit; but when you try to cast it off, it will take skin and all.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
The unfortunate thing about this world is that the good habits are much easier to give up than the bad ones.--W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
HEALTH
If I'd known I was going to live this long, I'd have taken better care of myself.--Eubie [James Herbert] Blake (1883--1983), U.S. musician
Refuse to be ill. Never tell people you are ill; never own it to yourself. Illness is one of those things which a man should resist on principle.--Edward Bulwer-Lytton,(May 25, 1803--January 18, 1873), English writer and politician
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.--Groucho Marx, U.S. comedian
HISTORY
All the historical books which contain no lies are extremely tedious.--Anatole France (1844-1924) "The Crime of Sylvestis Bonnard"
God cannot alter the past, though historians can.--Samuel Butler, "Prose Observations"
Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.--Leo Tolstoy (1828--1910), Russian novelist
History does not always repeat itself. Sometimes it just yells "Can't you remember anything I told you?" and lets fly with a club. --John W. Campbell (1910-1971), American writer and editor
History repeats itself, and that's one of the things that's wrong with history.--Clarence Darrow (1857--1938), U.S. attorney
History is bunk.--Henry Ford (1863-1947), U.S. industrialist
History: gossip well told.--Elbert Hubbard, The Roycroft Dictionary
History is the sum total of the things that could have been avoided.--Konrad Adenauer (1876--1967), West German chancellor
History repeats itself. Historians repeat each other.--Philip Guedalla (1889--1944), "Supers and Supermen."
It's futile to talk much about the past--something like trying to make birth control retroactive.--Charles E. Wilson, (1890--1961), U.S. Secretary of Defense, 22 May 1955
Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.--Ovid (43 B.C.--17 A.D.), Roman poet
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The British never remember it, the Irish never forget it, the Russians never make it, and the Americans never learn from it.--Bishop Fulton J. Sheen (1895--1979), Catholic archbishop
The past always looks better than it was; it's only pleasant because it isn't here.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. humorist
The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid prejudice.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors. Those who do study it will find some other ways to err.--Charles Wolf Jr., U.S. economist
We learn from history that we learn nothing from history.--George Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel (1770--1831), German philosopher
A guy who'd cheat on his wife would cheat at cards.--Texas Guinan (1878-1933), U.S. bartender
A gypsy tells the truth once in his life, and immediately repents.--Russian proverb
A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete/Successfully in business. Cheat.--Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914) , The Devil's Dictionary
Every man has the right to utter what he thinks truth, and every other man has a right to knock him down for it.--Samuel Johnson (1709-1784), English author
Honesty is praised and starves.--Juvenal (50-130), Roman satirist
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense.--Steve Landesberg (1945--), U.S. comedian
I can't tell a lie--not even when I hear one.--John Kendrick Bangs (1862-1922), writer
I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it.--Ashleigh Brilliant (1933--), U.S. writer
I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot.--Woody Allen (1935--), U.S. filmmaker
If all mankind were suddenly to practice honesty, many thousands of people would be sure to starve.--Georg G. Lichtenberg (1742--1799), German writer
If one cannot invent a really convincing lie, it is often better to stick to the truth.--Angela Thirkell (1890 - 1961), British writer
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
It is annoying to be honest to no purpose.--Ovid (43 B.C.--18 A.D.), Roman poet
It is always the best policy to speak the truth, unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar.--Jerome K. Jerome (1859--1927), British comic writer
Make yourself an honest man and then you can be sure there is one rascal less in the world.--Thomas Carlyle (1795--1881), Scottish historian
Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.--Winston Churchill (1874--1965 ), English Prime Minister
Never underestimate the effectiveness of a straight cash bribe.--Claud Cockburn (1904--1981), Irish journalist
Never tell a lie, but the truth you don't have to tell.--George Safir
People need good lies. There are too many bad ones.--Kurt Vonnegut Jr. (1922--), U.S. novelist
Put all thine eggs in one basket and--watch that basket.--Mark Twain (1835-1910).
Tell the truth and run.--Yugoslavian proverb
That's not a lie, it's a terminological inexactitude.--Alexander Haig (1924--), U.S. politician, in a 1983 TV interview
The secret to success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.--Jean Giradoux (1882--1944), French dramatist
The world will be a better place when the Found ads in the newspapers begin to outnumber the Lost ads.--Lisa Kirk, U.S. actress
There are only two ways of telling the complete truth--anonymously and posthumously.--Thomas Sowell (1930 - ), U.S. economist and political writer
There are times and countries when the only place for an honest man is in jail.--Thomas Mann (1875--1955), German novelist
Those you trust the most can steal the most.--Lawrence Leif
Though I am not naturally honest, I am so sometimes by chance.--William Shakespeare (1564--1616)
Trust everybody, but cut the cards.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), U.S. humorist
Truth is like a well-known whore. Everyone knows her, but it is embarrassing to encounter her on the street.--Wolfgang Borchert (1921-1947), German writer
Truth is the most valuable thing we have. Let us economize it.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Unless a man feels he has a good enough memory, he should never venture to lie.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
What a lot of people are saving for a rainy day is somebody else's umbrella.--Caroline Clark in Saturday Evening Post
When in doubt, tell the truth.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When you deal with your brother, be pleasant, but get a witness.--Hesiod, Works and Ways, 8th cen. B.C. Greek poet
HOUSEWORK
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.--Phyllis Diller, U.S. comedienne, in Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints, 1966
Housework can kill you if done right.--Erma Bombeck, (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.--Shirley Conran (1932--), U.S. novelist
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.--Erma Bombeck (1927--1996), U.S. humorist
Nature abhors a vacuum and so do I.--Anne Gibbons, U.S. cartoonist
Only a fool would make the bed every day.--Nancy Spain (1917 - 1964), British broadcaster and journalist
There's no real need to do housework--after four years it doesn't get any worse.--Quentin Crisp (1908--1999), English writer
When Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner, then I'll clean the house.--Roseanne Barr, (1953--), U.S. comic
HUMANITY IN GENERAL
All men are born equal, but quite a few eventually get over it.--Lord Mancroft (1914--), British Conservative politician
All that I care to know is that a man is a human being--that is enough for me; he can't be any worse.--Mark Twain (1835-1910), "Concerning the Jews"
Ashes to ashes and clay to clay, if the enemy don't get you your own folks may.--James Thurber (1894--), Observer, 1 July 1956
Confess your sins to the Lord, and you will be forgiven; confess them to man and you will be laughed at.--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
Don't overestimate the decency of the human race.--H.L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Every man has a sane spot somewhere.--Robert Louis Stevenson (1854--1894), English author
Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.--H.L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Everyone is as God made him, and often a great deal worse.--Miguel de Cervantes (1547--1616), Don Quixote, 1605-15
Half of us are blind, few of us feel, and we are all deaf.--Sir William Osler (1849--1919), Canadian physician
Human beings were invented by water as a device of transporting itself from one place to another.--Tom Robbins (1936-- ), U.S. novelist
I am a member of the rabble in good standing.--Westbrook Pegler (1894 - 1969), U.S. journalist
I believe I've found the missing link between animal and civilized man. It's us.--Konrad Lorenz (1903--1989), Austrian scientist
I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocketlaunchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.--Scott Adams, "Dilbert" cartoonist
I don't know if there are men on the moon, but if there are, they must be using the earth as their lunatic asylum.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), British writer
I don't know what a scoundrel is like, but I know what a respectable man is like, and it's enough to make your flesh creep.--J.M. De Maistre
I hate mankind, for I think of myself as one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English author
I haven't much doubt that man sprang from the monkey, but where did the monkey spring from?--Josh Billings (1818--1885), U.S. humorist
I love mankind, it's people I can't stand.--Charles M. Shulz, Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown, 1963.
I wonder men dare trust themselves with men.--William Shakespeare (1564--1616)
If I didn't panic when I found out that I was a human being, I'm never going to.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
If the desire to kill and the opportunity to kill always came together, who would escape hanging?--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
If you treat people right they will treat you right--ninety percent of the time.--Franklin Delano Roosevelt (1882--1945), U.S. President
In creating the human brain, evolution has wildly overshot the mark.--Arthur Koestler (1905--1983), British writer/critic
It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man.--Albert Einstein (1879-1955), scientist
Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away.--Johann Goethe 1749--1832), German author
Lycanthropy/I comprehend, for without transformation/Men become wolves on any slight occasion.--George Gordon Noel, Lord Byron (1788-1824), English poet
Man is a complex being; he makes deserts bloom and lakes die.--Gil Stern
Methinks we might elevate ourselves a little more. We might climb a tree, at least.--Henry David Thoreau (1817--1862), U.S. philosopher
No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself on the grounds that it was human nature.--Alan Alexander Milne (1882--1956), English writer
On the whole, human beings want to be good, but not too good, and not quite all the time.--George Orwell, "Dickens, Dali, and Others"
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing to go through hell to get it.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. humorist
People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't that valuable.--P.J. O'Rourke (1947--), Modern Manners
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.--Sinclair Lewis (1885--1951), U.S. novelist
Such is the human race. Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party didn't miss the boat.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The average person thinks he isn't.--Reverend Larry Lorenzoni, U.S. priest
The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that procession but carrying a banner.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
The people are to be taken in very small doses.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
The world is a stage, but the play is badly cast.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
The world is divided into people who do things--and people who get the credit.--Dwight Morrow (1873--1931), U.S. politician
There may be said to be two classes of people in the world: those who constantly divide the people of the world into two classes, and those who do not.--Robert Benchley (1889--1945), U.S. humorist
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
We are all on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.--W. H. Auden (1907--1973), English poet
We are only cave men who have lost their cave.--Christopher Morley (1890--1957), U.S. editor/writer
We are the people our parents warned us against.--Nicholas von Hoffman, U.S. columnist
What keeps people apart is their inability to get together.--Mayor Richard J. Daley of Chicago, Reader's Digest, April 1971.
Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this--that you are dreadfully like other people.--James Russell Lowell (1819--1891), US poet
When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each other.--Eric Hoffer (1902-1983), The Passionate State of Mind, 1955
Why did Nature create Man? Was it to show that she is big enough to make mistakes, or was it pure ignorance?--Holbrook Jackson (1874--1948), English writer/critic
You may break your heart, but men will go on as before.--Marcus Aurelius (121--180), Meditations, 2nd century
HUMILITY
Don't be so humble. You're not that great.--Golde Meir, Prime Minister of Israel
I am no more humble than my talents require.--Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972), U.S. TV personality
If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect.--Ted Turner, U.S. businessman
It ain't bragging if you really done it.--Dizzy Dean (1911-1974), U.S. baseball player
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility. There are so few of us left.--Oscar Levant (1906--1972 ), TV personality in US
HURRY
If you are in a hurry you will never get there.--Chinese proverb
One of the great disadvantages of hurry is that it takes such a long time.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936)
There is never enough time, unless you're serving it.--Malcolm Forbes (1919--1990), U.S. publisher