Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and miss.--Robert Heinlein (1907-1988), Time Enough for Love
Did you ever get to wondering if taxation without representation might have been cheaper?--Robert Orben (1927-- ), American magician and professional comedy writer
I don't know if I can live on my income or not--the government won't let me try it.--Bob Thaves, "Frank & Ernest" comic strip
I want to find a voracious, small-minded predator and name it after the IRS.--Robert Bakker (1945-- ), paleontologist
I wouldn't mind paying taxes--if I knew they were going to a friendly country.--Dick Gregory (1932-- ), U.S. comedian
I'm proud to pay taxes in the United States; the only thing is, I could be just as proud for half the money.--Arthur Godfrey, (1903--1983), U.S. radio/TV broadcaster
Income tax returns are the most imaginative fiction being written today.--Herman Wouk (1915--), U.S. novelist
It's income tax time again, Americans: time to gather up those receipts, get out those tax forms, sharpen up that pencil, and stab yourself in the aorta.--Dave Barry (1947-- ), U.S. humor columnist
Nuclear physics is much easier than tax law. It's rational and always works the same way.--Jerold Rochwald
MP>
Taxation, gentlemen, is very much like dairy farming. The task is to extract the maximum amount of milk with the minimum of moo. And I am afraid to say that these days all I get is moo.--Terry Pratchett, British SF author, in book Jingo
Taxation with representation ain't so hot either.--Gerald Barzun
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.--Albert Einstein (1879--1955), U.S. scientist
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.--Will Rogers (1879-1935), U.S. humorist
The nation should have a tax system that looks like someone designed it on purpose.--William Simon (1927--2000), U.S. Secretary of Treasury
The point to remember is that what the government gives it must first take away.--John S. Coleman
The taxpayer--that's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination.--Ronald Reagan (1911--), U.S. President
There is one difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist--the taxidermist leaves the hide.--Mortimer Caplan, Director, IRS, in Time (February 1, 1963) (Also attributed to Mark Twain)
When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation.--Vanya Cohen (1976- )
Everything has been thought of before, but the difficulty is to think of it again.--Johann Goethe (1749--1832), German author
I think and think for months and years. Ninety-nine times the conclusion is false. The hundredth time I am right.--Albert Einstein (1879--1955), scientist
Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do so.--Bertrand Russell (1872--1970), The Observer, 1925
No, no, you're not thinking; you're just being logical.--Niels Bohr, (1885--1962), Danish physicist
Ours is the age which is proud of machines that think and suspicious of men who try to.--Howard Mumford Jones (1892--1980), U.S. author
Sixty minutes of thinking of any kind is bound to lead to confusion and unhappiness.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.--Henry Ford (1863--1947), interview (February, 1929)
When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you Think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out into the open and has other people looking at it.--A. A. Milne (1882--1956), British author
Ye can lade a man up to th' university, but ye can't make him think.--Finley Peter Dunne (1867--1936), 1900, U.S. humorist
You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. publisher
TRAVEL
A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving.--Lao Tzu (570-490 B.C.), Chinese philosopher
Being in a ship is being in jail, with the chance of being drowned.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English writer
I wouldn't mind seeing China if I could come back the same day.--Philip Larkin (1922--1985), English poet
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.--Mary Ellen Kelly (1887-1973), American scholar, teacher, and writer
No one needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. publisher
The world is a book, and those who do not travel, read only a page.--St. Augustine (354--430), religious philosopher
There's nothing like looking at vacation pictures to put guests in a traveling mood.--Dan Bennett, Reader's Digest (August, 1975)
Wherever I travel, I'm too late. The orgy has moved elsewhere.--Mordecai Richler (1931--), Canadian writer
TROUBLE
I believe in getting into hot water. I think it keeps you clean.--G.K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English writer
Nobody ever grew despondent looking for trouble.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
The trouble with trying to get away from it all nowadays is that most of it is portable.--D. D. Flynn, Look magazine, 1983
THE BIGGEST MYSTERIES OF THE UNIVERSE
I wonder what language truckdrivers are using, now that everyone is using theirs?--Beryl Pfizer, journalist
Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end?--Tom Stoppard, playwright, Rosencranz and Guildenstern Are Dead, 1967
How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?--Nigel Rees, British humorist
Nothing puzzles me more than time and space; and yet nothing puzzles me less, for I never think about them.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834),English poet
The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.--Scott Adams, U.S. cartoonist, "Dilbert" comic strip
The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax.--Albert Einstein (1879--1955), scientist
The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is incomprehensible.--Albert Einstein (1879--1955), scientist
There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.--Fred Hoyle (1915--2001), British astronomer
WAR AND PEACE
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.--Blake Clark (1946-- ), comedian
Better a bad peace than a good war.--Russian proverb
An infallible method of conciliating a tiger is to allow oneself to be devoured.--Konrad Adenauer (1876--1967), West German chancellor
Don't be a fool and die for your country. Let the other sonofabitch die for his.--George S. Patton (1885--1945), U.S. general
I hate war: it ruins conversation.--Bernard de Fontenelle (1657--1757)
I joined the army, and succeeded in killing about as many of the enemy as they of me.--Bill Arp (1826--1903), U.S. humorist
I think war might be God's way of teaching us geography.--Paul Rodriguez, U.S. comedian
In a war of ideas it is people who get killed.--Stanislaus J. Lec, (1909–1966), Polish poet and aphorist
It is useless for the sheep to pass resolutions in favor of vegetarianism while the wolf remains of a different opinion.--William R. Inge (1860--1954), Dean of St. Paul's
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.-—Steven Wright (1955--), U.S. comedian
Nobody shoulders a rifle in defense of a boarding house.--Bret Harte (1836--1902), U.S. journalist/author
Peace: a short pause between wars for enemy identification.--Clemens Kirchner
Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.--Paul Rodriquez (1957--), U.S. comedian
The body of a dead enemy always smells sweet.--Aulus Vitellius (15--69 A.D.), Roman Emperor
The object of war is to survive it.--John Irving (1942--), U.S. novelist
The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is generally employed only by small children and large nations.--David Friedman (1945-- ), U.S. anarcho-capitalist writer, economist, and medieval reenactor
The quickest way of ending a war is to lose it.--George Orwell (1903--1950), English novelist
There never was a good war or a bad peace.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790), September 11, 1773
War does not determine who is right--only who is left.--Bertrand Russell (1872--1970), British philosopher
War hath no fury like a noncombatant.--C. E. Montague (1867--1928), "Disenchantment"
War is a series of catastrophes which result in victory.--Georges Clemenceau (1841-1929), French politician
War is just another government program.--Joseph Sobran (1946--), U.S. syndicated columnist
War is like love, it always finds a way.--Bertolt Brecht (1898-1956), Mother Courage
War is only a cowardly escape from the problems of peace.--Thomas Mann (1875--1955), German novelist
You can do anything with a bayonet except sit on it.--Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)
You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake.--Jeannette Rankin (1880--1973), U.S. politician
Don't cuss the climate. It probably doesn't like you any better than you like it.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. humorist
Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.--Charles Dudley Warner (1829--1900), in the Hartford Courant ca. 1890 (often attributed incorrectly to Mark Twain)
I was born with a chronic anxiety about the weather.--John Burroughs, (1837-1921), U.S. naturalist, in "Is It Going To Rain?"
This is Methodist weather--sprinkling. We Baptists prefer total immersion.--Adam Clayton Powell Jr., NYCO parade, 19 September 1964, quoted by NY Times, 21 September 1984
A woman, especially if she has the misfortune of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can.--Jane Austen, (1775-1818), English author
A woman is always buying something.--Ovid (43 B.C.--17 A.D.), Ars Amatoria
A woman is only a woman,/But a good cigar is a smoke.--Rudyard Kipling (1865--1936), English author
A woman is the only thing I am afraid of that I know will not hurt me.--Abraham Lincoln (1809--1865), U.S. President
A woman's place is in the wrong.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
A very little wit is valued in a woman, as we are pleased at the few words of a parrot.--Jonathan Swift (1667--1745), Irish author
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women, it is merely a good excuse not to play football.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), Metropolitan Life, 1978
But if God had wanted us to think with our wombs, why did He give us a brain?--Clare Booth Luce (1903-1987), U.S. politician
Even if you understood women--you'd never believe it.--Frank Dane
Few girls are as well shaped as a good horse.--Christopher Morley (1890-1957), U.S. editor/writer
Few women are dumb enough to listen to reason.--William Feather (1889-1981), U.S. author/publisher
Girls got balls. They're just a little higher up, that's all.--Joan Jett, U.S. singer
God created Adam lord of all living creatures, but Eve spoiled it all.--Martin Luther (1483--1546), German religious reformer
God created women because He couldn't teach sheep how to type.--Ward Hoffman, San Francisco Chronicle, 1982
God sent us women and the devil sent them corsets.--French proverb
Going to bed with a woman never hurt a ballplayer. It's staying up all night looking for them that does you in.--Casey Stengel (1890--1975), U.S. baseball manager
He who can govern a woman can govern a nation.--Honore de Balzac (1799-1850), French novelist
Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into her arms without falling into her hands.--Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914), in Gratton's Bitter Bierce
I do not believe in using women in combat, because women are too fierce.--Margaret Meade (1901--1978), U.S. anthropologist
I do not know if she was virtuous, but she was ugly, and, with a woman, that is half the battle.--Heinrich Heine (1797--1856), German poet
I expect that woman will be the last thing civilized by man.--George Meredith (1828--1909), The Ordeal of Richard Feverel
I hate women because they always know where things are.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
I have a brain and a uterus, and I use both.--Patricia Schroeder (1940--), U.S. politician
I like convents, but I wish they would not admit anyone under the age of fifty.--Napoleon Bonaparte (1769--1821)
I wish Adam had died with all his ribs in his body.--Dion Boucicault (1822-1890), Irish dramatist
If we have come to think that the nursery and the kitchen are the natural sphere of a woman, we have done exactly as English children come to think that a cage is the natural sphere of a parrot because they have never seen one anywhere else.--George Bernard Shaw (1856--1950), Irish author
If you don't think women are explosive, try dropping one.--Gerald F. Lieberman (1923--1986), U.S. freelance writer
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.--Stuart Turner
Ladies grow handsome by looking at themselves in the glass.--William Hazlitt (1778--1830), English essayist
Man has his will--but woman has her way!--Oliver Wendell Holmes, The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, chapter 12
Nature is in earnest when she makes a woman.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, The Autocrat of the Breakfast Table, chapter 12
No one should have to dance backwards all their lives.--Jill Ruckelshaus, U.S. activist
No woman is worth the loss of a night's sleep.--Sir Thomas Beecham (1879--1961), Beecham Stories, 1978
Regard the society of women as a necessary unpleasantness of social life, and avoid it as much as possible.--Leo Tolstoy (1828--1910), Russian novelist
She laughs at everything you say. Why? Because she has fine teeth.--Benjamin Franklin (1706--1790)
Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man.--Erica Jong (1942-- ), U.S. poet/novelist
The Bible says the last thing God made was woman; He must have made her on a Saturday night--it shows fatigue.--Alexandre Dumas pere (1803--1870), French writer
The female knee is a joint and not an entertainment.--Percy Hammond (1873--1936), U.S. drama critic
The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is: What does woman want?--Sigmund Freud (1856-1939), psychoanalyst
The penalty for getting the woman you want is that you must keep her.--Lionel Strachey (1880--1932), English biographer/critic
The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing--and then marry him.--Cher Bono (1946--), U.S. singer, 1982
There are two ways to handle a woman, and nobody knows either of them.--Kin Hubbard (1868--1930), U.S. humorist
There is no female Mozart because there is no female Jack the Ripper.--Camille Paglia (1947--), U.S. writer
There's a very good reason why women live longer than men. They deserve it.--Estelle Ramey, endocrinologist, Cleveland Plain Dealer (10/26/93)
Twenty million young women rose to their feet with the cry "We will not be dictated to," and promptly became stenographers.--G. K. Chesterton (1874--1936), English author
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."--Elayne Boosler, U.S. comedienne
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without women? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are scarcely sufficient to service one woman.--Giovanni Boccaccio (1313--1375), Italian novelist
Who loves not women, wine, and song remains a fool his whole life long.--Johann Heinrich Voss (1751--1826) Often attributed to Martin Luther.
Why haven't women got labels on their foreheads saying, "Danger: Government Health Warning: Women can be dangerous to your brains, genitals, current account, confidence, razor blades and good standing among your friends."--Jeffery Bernard (1932--1997), British journalist
Woman's first duty is to her dressmaker. What the second duty is no one has yet discovered.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish playwright
Women are all female impersonators to some degree.--Susan Brownmiller (1935--), U.S. feminist writer
Women are the best other sex men have.--Don Herold (1889--1966), U.S. humorist
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.--Roseanne Barr, U.S. comic
Women should be obscene and not heard.--John Lennon, (1940--1980), English musician/composer
Women should be struck regularly--like gongs.--Noel Coward (1899-1973), English playwright/actor
Women would rather be right than be reasonable.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), "Frailty, Thy Name Is A Misnomer," Good Intentions
Women's intuition is the result of millions of years of not thinking.--Rupert Hughes (1872--1956), U.S. author
You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you.--Douglas Ainslie (1865--1944), linguist and writer
WORK
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.--Robert Benchley (1889--1945), U.S. humorist
Blessed be agriculture! if one does not have too much of it.--Charles Dudley Warner (1829--1900), "My Summer in a Garden"
By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it.--Katherine Whitehorn (1926--), British writer
Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break.--Lev L. Spiro, U.S. director
Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.--Harry C. Bauer, U.S. prof. of librarianship
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.--Charles Lamb (1775-1834), English poet
I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend, than be one.--Clarence Darrow (1857--1938), U.S. attorney
I do not like work even when another person does it.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
I have never liked working. To me a job is an invasion of privacy.--Daniel McGoorty
I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.--Jerome K. Jerome (1859--1927), British author
It is easier to do a job right than to explain why you didn't.--Martin Van Buren, (1782--1862), U.S. President
It is not real work unless you would rather be doing something else.--James M. Barrie, (1860--1937), English novelist
Like every man of sense and good feeling, I abominate work.--Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), English novelist
Meetings are indispensable when you don't want to do anything.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
Never work before breakfast; if you have to work before breakfast, eat your breakfast first.--Joshua Billings (1919-1885), U.S. humorist
Nothing will work unless you do.--Maya Angelou, (1928--), U.S. poet
No one hates his job so heartily as a farmer.--H. L. Mencken (1880--1956), "What is Going on in the World," American Mercury (November 1933)
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.--Bertrand Russell (1872--1970), English philosopher
People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), Will Consider Situation
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and doesn't stop until you get into the office.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
The rat race isn't so bad if you're a big cheese.--Ray Cvikota, Chicago Tribune (1977)
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.--Lily Tomlin (1939--), U.S. comedienne
The world is filled with willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.--Robert Frost (1874-1963), U.S. poet
There is no such hell on earth as that of the man who knows himself doomed to mediocrity in the work he loves.--Philip Barry (1896--1949), You and I, Act I
Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so.--Douglas Adams (1952--2002), SF author
When a great many people are unable to find work, unemployment results.--Calvin Coolidge, quoted by Stanley Waler in City Editor, page 131
When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt.--Henry Kaiser
Work is the greatest thing in the world, so we should always save some of it for tomorrow.--Don Herold (1889--)
WRITING
A great many people now reading and writing would be better employed in keeping rabbits.--Edith Sitwell (1887-1964), English poet
Against the disease of writing one must take special precautions, since it is a dangerous and contagious disease.--Pierre Abelard (1079-1142), French dialectician
All dare to write who can or cannot read.--Horace (65 B.C.--8 B.C.), Epistles, II
All good writing is swimming underwater and holding your breath.--F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896--1940), U.S. novelist
An incinerator is a writer's best friend.--Thornton Wilder (April 17, 1897–-December 7, 1975), U.S. playwright and novelist.
An incurable itch for scribbling takes possession of many and grows inveterate in their insane hearts.--Juvenal (50--130), Roman satirist
Excessive literary production is a social offense.--George Eliot (1819-1880), English novelist
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
Having your book turned into a movie is like seeing your oxen turned into bouillon cubes. --John LeCarre (1931--), English novelist [pseudonym for David Moore Cornwell]
I get up in the morning, torture a typewriter until it screams, then stop.--Clarence Budington Kelland, NY Herald-Tribune (20 February 1964)
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.--Peter De Vries (1910-1993), U.S. novelist
I think all writing is a disease. You can't stop it.--William Carlos Williams, (1883--1963), U.S. poet, 7 January 1957
If you can't annoy somebody, there's little point in writing.--Kingsley Amis (1922-1995), English author
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.--Solomon Short, aka SF novelist David Gerrold
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.--Oliver Herford (1863--1935), U.S. poet
People do not deserve to have good writing; they are so pleased with bad.--Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803--1883), U.S. essayist
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop writing.--R. Geis
The profession of book-writing makes horseracing seem like a solid, stable business.--John Steinbeck (1902--1968), U.S. novelist
The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!--Bill Watterson, "Calvin and Hobbes" comic strip
There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.--Red Smith (1905--1982), U.S. sportswriter
This writing business. Pencils and what not. Over rated if you ask me.--Eeyore, Winnie-the-Pooh
Why do writers write? Because it isn't there.--Thomas Berger (1924--), U.S. novelist
Words must surely be counted among the most powerful drugs man ever invented.--Leo Rosten (1908--1997), U.S. writer
Write something, even if it's just a suicide note.--Gore Vidal (1925- ), U.S. author
Writing is easy. All you do is stare at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.--Gene Fowler (1890--1960), U.S. journalist/biographer
Writing isn't hard; no harder than ditch-digging.--Patrick Dennis, aka Edward Everett Tanner III, (1921--1976), U.S. author, in Life (7 December 1962)
Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed of--but do it in private, and wash your hands afterwards.--Lazarus Long (Robert Heinlein (1907-1988), U.S. science-fiction novelist)
Writing is the hardest way of earning a living, with the possible exception of wrestling alligators.--Olin Miller
Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.--Terry Pratchett (1948--), British SF and fantasy author
Writing is the only socially acceptable form of schizophrenia.--E.L. Doctorow, U.S. novelist
Writing only leads to more writing.--Colette (1873-1954), French novelist
Writing saved me from the sin and inconvenience of violence.--Alice Walker (1944--), U.S. author
Autobiography and Biography
Autobiography is now as common as adultery, and hardly less reprehensible.--Lord Altrincham, Sunday Times (28 February 1962)
Biography, like big game hunting, is one of the recognized forms of sport, and it is as unfair as only sport can be.--Philip Guedalla (1889--1944), English barrister and author
Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try.--Fran Lebowitz (1950--), U.S. writer
Criticism
Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.--John Osborne (1929--1994), British playwright
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top.--English professor at an Ohio university
The man who is asked by an author what he thinks of his work is put to torture, and is not obliged to speak the truth.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English writer
There is probably no hell for authors in the next world...they suffer so much from critics and publishers in this.--Christian N. Bovee (1820--1904), Summaries of Thought
This book has too much plot and not enough story.--attributed to Samuel Goldwyn (1884--1974), U.S. movie producer
Writing about art is like dancing about architecture.--Steven Martin (1945--), U.S. comedian
Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), writer
Editors and Publishers
An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.--Adlai E. Stevenson (1900--1965), U.S. diplomat
An editor should have a pimp for his brother, so he'd have someone to look up to.--Gene Fowler (1890--1960), U.S. journalist/biographer
No author dislikes to be edited as much as he dislikes not to be published.--Russell Lynes (1910--1991), U.S. cultural critic
No, no, there must be a limit to the baseness even of publishers.--Dorothy Sayers
Publishers are all cohorts of the devil; there must be a special hell for them somewhere.--Johann Goethe (1749--1832), German author
Publishers are demons, there's no doubt about it.--William James (1842--1910), U.S. philosopher
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.--T. S. Eliot (1888-1965), poet
Letters
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.--Blaise Pascal (1623--1662), Lettres Provinciales, XVI, 1656
When I began this letter I thought I had something to say; but I believe the truth was I had nothing to say.--Edward Fitzgerald (1809--1883), poet/translator
What a lot we lost when we stopped writing letters. You can't reread a phone call.--Liz Carpenter, U.S. politician
You deserve a longer letter than this; but it is my unhappy fate seldom to treat people so well as they deserve.--Jane Austen (1775-1818), English author, in a letter dated December 24 1798
Poetry
A man can live three days without water but not one without poetry.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
A poem is never finished, only abandoned.--Paul Valery (1871--1945), French poet/essayist
A poem is no place for an idea.--E. B. Howe
A poet can survive anything but a misprint.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish author
A poet looks at the world as a man looks at a woman.--Wallace Stevens, (1879-1955), U.S. poet, in Opus Posthumous, 1957
Horses and poets should be fed, not overfed.--Charles IX (1550--1574)
I can no more define poetry than a terrier can define a rat.--A. E. Housman (1859--1936), English poet
In Australia, not reading poetry is the national pastime.--Phyllis McGinley (1905--1978), U.S. poet
I've written some poetry I don't understand myself.--Carl Sandburg (1878-1967), U.S. poet
It is easier to write an indifferent poem than to understand a good one.--Michel de Montaigne (1533--1592), French essayist
Not gods, nor men, nor even booksellers have put up with poets being second-rate.--Horace (65--8 B.C.), ROman satirist
Not reading poetry amounts to a national pastime here.--Phyllis McGinley (1905-1978), U.S. poet
Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.--Marianne Moore (1887-1972), U.S. poet
Poets, you know, are terribly sensitive people, and in my observation, one of the things they are most sensitive about is cash.--Robert Penn Warren, Publisher's Weekly (24 March 1958)
The man is either crazy, or he is a poet.--Horace (65--8 B.C.), 13 B.C. Satires
There's no money in poetry but then there's no poetry in money, either.--Robert Graves (1895--1985), U.S. author
Writers and Would-Be Writers
Authors in general are not good listeners.--William Hazlitt (1778--1830), English essayist
A person who publishes a book wilfully appears before the populace with his pants down.--Edna St. Vincent Millay (1892--1950), U.S. poet and playwright
A professional writer is an amateur who didn't quit.--Richard Bach (1936--), U.S. novelist
Being a writer means having homework for the rest of your life.--Lawrence Kasdan (1949--), Hollywood screenwriter
Don't you be a writer. Writing is an escape from something. You be a scientist.--Sinclair Lewis (1885--1951), U.S. novelist, to his small son
I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.--A. J. Liebling (1904--1963), U.S. journalist/author
I do not like to write, but I like to have written.--Gloria Steinem (1934--), U.S. activist
I know of no person so perfectly disagreeable and even dangerous as an author.--William IV
I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork.--Peter de Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.--Steve Martin (1945--), U.S. comedian
If a writer has to rob his mother, he will not hesitate; the "Ode on a Grecian Urn" is worth any number of old ladies.--William Faulkner (1897--1962), U.S. novelist
If writers were good businessmen, they'd have too much sense to be writers.--Irvin S. Cobb (1876--1944), U.S. humorist
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.--Robert Benchley (1889--1945), U.S. humorist
No man but a blockhead ever wrote, except for money.--Samuel Johnson (1709--1784), English writer
No one asked you to be a writer.--Sherwood Anderson (1876--1941), U.S. short story writer
Nothing, not love, not greed, not passion or hatred, is stronger than a writer's need to change another writer's copy.--Arthur Evans
O that my words were written! Oh that they were printed in a book!--Job 19:23
The best job that was ever offered to me was to become a landlord in a brothel. In my opinion it's the perfect milieu for an artist to work in. --William Faulkner (1897--1962), U.S. novelist
The reason why so few good books are written is that so few people who can write know anything.--Walter Bagehot (1826--1877), English social scientist
There is no such thing as a dirty theme. There are only dirty writers.--George Jean Nathan (1882--), Testament of a Critic, p. 179
There's one good kind of writer--a dead one.--James T. Farrell (1904--1979), U.S. novelist
What an author likes to write most is his signature on the back of a cheque.--Brendan Francis (aka Edward F. Murphy, born 1921, author of various quotation collections)
Writers sit around and contemplate their novels.--Bob Talbert, Detroit Free Press, (June 1, 1970)
Writing Techniques
A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor.--Ringgold Lardner (1885--1933), "How to Write Short Stories"
A man who takes half a page to say what can be said in a sentence will be damned.--Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. (1841--1935), U.S. jurist
As to the adjective; when in doubt, strike it out.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Be obscure clearly.--E.B. White (1899-- 1985), English author
Boy meets girl; girl gets boy into pickle; boy gets pickle into girl.--Jack Woodford (1894--1971) on plotting
Cut out all those exclamation points. An exclamation point is like laughing at your own joke.--F. Scott Fitzgerald (1896--1940), quoted in Sheilah Graham's Beloved Infidel
Every novel should have a beginning, a muddle, and an end.--Peter de Vries (1910--), U.S. writer
I always start writing with a clean piece of paper and a dirty mind.--Patrick Dennis (aka Edward Everett Tanner),(1921-1976),U.S. writer
I never think when I write; nobody can do two things at the same time and do them well.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. humorist, in Archy's Life of Mehitabel, 1933
I try to leave out the parts that people skip.--Elmore Leonard, (1925--), U.S. suspense writer
I'm not a very good writer, but I'm an excellent rewriter.--James Michener (1907--1997), U.S. author
In composing, as a general rule, run your pen through every other word you have written; you have no idea what vigor it will give your style.--Sydney Smith (1771--1845), English clergyman/writer
If you take hyphens seriously you will surely go mad.--John Benbow, Manuscript and Proof, 1943
If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves.--Don Marquis (1878--1937), U.S. poet/humorist
If you're going to write, don't pretend to write down. It's going to be the best thing you can do, and it's the fact that it's the best you can do that kills you.--Dorothy Parker (1893--1967), Paris Review (Summer, 1956)
It is a damn poor mind indeed which can't think of at least two ways to spell any word.--Andrew Jackson, (1767--1845), 1833, U.S. President
My own experience has been that the tools I need for my trade are paper, tobacco, food, and a little whisky.--William Faulkner, (1897--1962), U.S. author
Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial 'we.'--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Spel chekers, hoo neeeds em?--Alan James Bean
Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very;" your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be.--Mark Twain (1835--1910)
The shelf life of the modern hardback writer is somewhere between the milk and the yogurt.--Calvin Trillin (1935--), U.S. verse columnist
The wastebasket is a writer's best friend.--Isaac Bashevis Singer (1904--1991), Nobel Prize laureate
There are three rules for writing the novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.--W. Somerset Maugham (1874-1965), British novelist
We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other anguages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.--James D. Nicoll
With sixty staring me in the face, I have developed inflammation of the sentence structure and definite hardening of the paragraphs.--James Thurber (1894--1961), U.S. humorist
Write to amuse? What an appalling suggestion! I write to make people anxious and miserable and to worsen their indigestion.--Wendy Cope (1945--), U.S. poet