A rich man's joke is always funny.--Thomas Edward Brown (1830-1897), British poet
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.--E.B. White (1899-1985), U.S. writer
Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.--Steve Martin, (1945--), U.S. comedian
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.--Fred Allen (1894-1956), U.S. comedian
Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn.--Irvin S. Cobb (1876-1944), U.S. humorist
Humor results when society says you can't scratch certain things in public, but they itch in public.--Tom Walsh
It is difficult not to write satire.--Juvenal (50-130), Roman satirist
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.--Mel Brooks (1926--), U.S. comedian
COMMITTEES
Committee--a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.--Milton Berle, (1908-2002), U.S. comedian
I've searched all the parks in all the cities and found no statues of committees.--G.K. Chesterton, (1874-1936), British author
We trained hard--but it seemed that every time we were beginning to form up into teams we were reorganized. I was to learn later in life that we tend to meet any new situation by reorganizing, and what a wonderful method it can be for creating the illusion of progress while actually producing confusion, inefficiency, and demoralization.--Petronius Arbiter, (--66 AD) Roman author
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit, to do the unnecessary.--Richard Harkness
COMMON COLD, THE
A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends.--Kin Hubbard (1868-1930), U.S. humorist
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.--Ogden Nash (1902-1971), U.S. poet
I have the perfect cure for a sore throat: cut it.--Alfred Hitchcock, (1899-1980), film-maker
It takes about a week of treatment to cure a cold, but without treatment it takes about seven days.--Ed Greif
Like everyone else, when I don't know what else to do, I seem to go in for catching colds.--George Jean Nathan, (1882–1958), U.S. drama critic
There is only one way to treat a cold, and that is with contempt.--Sir William Osler (1849-1919), Canadian physician
(See also: HEALTH)
COMPLAINTS
Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain--and most fools do.--Dale Carnegie (1888--1955), U.S. self-help writer
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.--Joe Walsh (1947--), U.S. singer
I personally think we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.--Jane Wagner (1935--), U.S. comedy writer/director
Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect.--Benny Hill (1924-1992), English comedian
There are some people who knock the pyramids because they don't have elevators.--Jim Ferree (1931--), U.S. golfer
Those who do not complain are never pitied.--Jane Austen (1775-1818), English author
COMPUTERS
A computer and a cat are somewhat alike--they both purr, and like to be stroked, and spend a lot of the day motionless. They also have secrets they don't necessarily share.--John Updike (1932--), U.S. writer
A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy.--Joseph Campbell (1904-1987), U.S. mythologist
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history--with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.--Mitch Ratliffe, U.S. journalist, in Technology Review (Apr 1992)
A human being is a computer's way of making another computer. Yes, we are their sex organs.--Solomon Short (aka David Gerrold, US science-fiction author)
All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the parts you are reassembling were dissassembled by you. Therefore, if you can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do not use a hammer.--IBM maintenance manual, 1925
Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.--Rita May Brown (1944-- ), U.S. novelist
Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.--Pablo Picasso, (1881-1971), artist
Computers will never take the place of books. You can't stand on a floppy disk to reach a high shelf.--Sam Ewing, (1920-2001) - American writer, humorist
Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to virgins.--Robert Heinlein, (1907-1988), U.S. sci-fi writer, in novel The Moon is a Harsh Mistress
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press three.--Alice Kahn (1943--), U.S. writer
Hardware: the parts of a computer that can be kicked.--Jeff Pesis
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.--Doug Larson, U.S. columnist ("Senator Soaper")
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.--Robert X. Cringely, Computerworld
Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.--Jeff Raskin
It was not so very long ago that people thought that semiconductors were part-time orchestra leaders and microchips were very small snack foods.--Geraldine Ferraro (1935--), U.S. politician
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft...and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.--Wernher von Braun, (1912-1977), scientist
Men are like computers: I don't understand them, I just use them for my amusement.--Holly Waits
No computer has ever been designed that is ever aware of what it's doing; but most of the time, we aren't either.--Marvin Minsky (1927--), U.S. cognitive scientist, father of artificial intelligence
One thing a computer can do that most humans can't is be sealed up in a cardboard box and sit in a warehouse.--Jack Handey (1949--), U.S. humorist
The manual says to insert disk three, but only two will fit.--Anonymous
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.--Nathaniel Borenstein (1957--), U.S. software strategist
The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of whether submarines can swim.--Edsger W. Dijkstra (1930--2002), Dutch computer scientist
There is only one satisfying way to boot a computer.--J. H. Goldfuss
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.--Janet Reno, (1938--), U.S. Attorney General
To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so.--Robert Orben (1927--), U.S. writer/editor
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.--Paul Ehrlich
Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea--massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it.--Gene Spafford (1956--), professor of computer science at Purdue University
We have all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.--R. Wilensky, computer professor at University of California, Berkeley
Where's the 'any' key?--Homer Simpson, cartoon character in The Simpsons
Wow! They've got the Internet on computers now!--Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
(see also "Quotations from A. Nonymous")
CONSCIENCE
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.--Steven Wright, (1955--), U.S. comedian
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.--H.L. Mencken (1880--1956), U.S. journalist
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.--H.L. Mencken ((1880--1956), U.S. journalist
I feel bad that I don't feel worse.--Michael Frayn (1933--) English dramatist
I have nothing definite to apologize for; I'm just sorry about everything in general.--Ashleigh Brilliant
My conscience aches but it's going to lose the fight.--Allanah Myles, Canadian singer
CONSISTENCY
Consistency is contrary to nature, contrary to life. The only completely consistent people are the dead.--Aldous Huxley (1894-1963), English novelist
Constants aren't.-- John Peers
I may have said the same thing before...But my explanation, I am sure, will always be different.--Oscar Wilde (1856--1900), Irish writer
If anyone accuses me of contradicting myself, I reply: because I have been wrong once, or several times, I don't intend to be wrong forever.--Luc de Clapiers Vauvenargues (1715-1747)
Inconsistency is the only thing in which men are consistent.--Horatio Smith (1779-1849), English humorist
CRITICISM
(see also: WRITING)
A critic is a legless man who teaches running.--Channing Pollack, The Green Book
A critic is a man who knows the way but can't drive the car.--Kenneth Tynan (1927-1980), British theatre critic
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.--Frieda Norris.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.--Brendan Behan (1923--1964), Irish writer
Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.--Franklin P. Jones
I love criticism just so long as it's unqualified praise.--Noel Coward (1899-1973), English playright/actor
I much prefer a compliment, insincere or not, to sincere criticism.--Plautus (254-184 B.C.), comic Roman playwright
It is much easier to be critical than to be correct.--Benjamin Disraeli (1804--1881), British politician
To escape criticism--do nothing, say nothing, be nothing.--Elbert Hubbard (1856--1915), U.S. editor/publisher
CURSING
In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.--George Carlin (1937--), U.S. comedian
Many a man's profanity has saved him from a nervous breakdown.--Henry S. Haskins (1875--), U. S. author
Take not God's name in vain; select a time when it will have effect.--Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914)
They also swear who only stand and wait.--Addison Mizner (1872-1933), U.S. resort architect
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.--Mark Twain (1835-1910)
Useful Curses:
A child be within you forever unborn!--Irish curse
A donkey shall violate him, a donkey shall violate his wife (Deir el-Bahri Graffito No. 11, Dyn. 20) (What will happen to he who damages that Egyptian memorial.)
As many years as he’s walked on his feet, let him walk on his hands, and for the rest of the time he should crawl along on his ass.--Yiddish curse
I curse their head and all hairs of their head. I curse their face, their eyes, their mouth, their nose, their tongue, their teeth, their shoulders, their back, and their heart, their arms, their legs, their hands, their feet, and every part of their body from the top of their head to the soles of their feet, before and behind, within and without....I curse them walking, and I curse them riding. I curse them eating, and I curse them drinking. I curse them within the house, and I curse them without the house. I curse their wives, their bairns, and their servants...I curse their cattle, their wool, their sheep, their horses, their swine, their geese, and their hens. I curse their halls, their chambers, their stables, and their barns.... Curse on the English read by Scots priests on the closing of their religious houses ca. 1530.
He should give it all away to doctors.--Yiddish curse
He should have a large store, and whatever people ask for he shouldn’t have, and what he does have shouldn’t be requested.--Yiddish curse
Leeches should drink him dry.--Yiddish curse
Let his children be fatherless, and his wife a widow.--Psalms 109:9
Let onions grow in his navel!--Jewish proverb
Let their way be dark and slippery.--Psalms 35:6
May a rabbit butt you to death!--Lithuanian curse
May every day of it be wet for ye.--Saint Patrick of Ireland
May he need a prescription!--Jewish proverb
May his buttocks drop off!--Jewish proverb
May his stomach churn like a music box.--Jewish proverb
May she marry a ghost and bear him a kitten, and may the high king of glory permit it to get mange.--Irish curse
May the curse of Mary Malone and her nine blind illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of Damnation that the Lord himself can't find you with a telescope.--Irish curse
May the devil take him by the heels and shake him.--Irish curse
May the fleas of a thousand camels lodge in your armpit.--Arab curse
May the enemies of Ireland never eat bread nor drink whisky, but be tormented with itching without benefit of scratching.--Irish toast
May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping.--from an old Irish curse
May you have a lawsuit in which you know you are in the right.--Gypsy curse
May your left ear wither and fall into your right pocket.--Arab curse
May your life be filled with lawyers!--Mexican curse
The moth shall eat them up like a garment, and the worm shall eat them like wool.--Isaiah 51:8